WHO AM I?

A lot of people ask "So, who the hell are you, anyway?" Glad you asked, junior.

I'm the Naked Critic. I'm a writer, comic, and actor from Toronto, Canada. Sometimes all three at once. You may be wondering how one man can do all of these things, yet still manage to not make a lot of money at it. Since I have no intention of answering that question, MOM, we'll just move on.

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

Q: Are you really a "critic", or just some opinionated nerd with a website?
A: A little from column A, a little from column B. I'm actually the in-house critic for a news and entertainment TV show. I started this project of mine as a way to really cut loose and be as opinionated and loquacious as I want, without fear of editing.

Q: A TV show? Cool! Which one?
A: I'm sorry, but that's classified.

Q: Why do you call yourself The Naked Critic? I don't see any naked pictures of you anywhere.
A: You're welcome.

Q: So? Why the nickname?
A: It started as a sort of in-joke. This whole thing started as a small email list with about a dozen of my friends subscribing. Then, the columns started getting forwarded and linked to, and the name just sort of stuck.

Q: Where else do you write?
A: I'm a regular contributor to both topfive.com and The Daily Probe, the two funniest things on this here Interweb thingy.

Q: Why don't you review more movies?
A: I'd LOVE to. I just don't have the time. I tend to work on things that will pay my bills before my donation-only website. Considering how long these reviews take me to put together, I'm often amazed that I get any up at all.

Q: Are you aware that the word "journal" suggests something that is updated on a DAILY basis?
A: Yes, smartass. But I tend to wait until something interesting happens before I post it. I doubt I'll keep many readers by bragging about how I beat Prince Of Persia this morning and then spent the rest of the day half-heartedly playing with myself.

Q: Your website looks like shit!
A: That's not a question, fucktard.

Q: Okay…WHY does your website look like shit?
A: Because I'm not a web designer. I'm completely self-taught. If I could design websites, I sure as shit wouldn't be reviewing shitty movies like Christmas With The Kranks for a living.

Q: Why do you review such shitty movies?
A: For the most part, I tend to only review movies and DVDs that I have screening passes or copies of. Sadly, not all studios are "on board" with either my site, the show I work for, or both. I will go out and actually PAY to see movies so I can review them, but time -- despite what Mick Jagger told me -- is not always on my side.

Q: Let's get some perspective here…what are some of your all-time favourite movies?
A: I've got a soft spot for Casablanca, The Crow, Ed Wood, Chasing Amy, and Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind. Keep in mind that these aren't necessarily the BEST movies, just my personal favourites.

Q: How could you give <insert movie here> such a good/bad rating? You're an idiot! <insert movie here> is the best/worst movie ever made, you hack!
A: It always stuns me how belligerent people get when you disagree with them, especially about a movie that they love/hate. Relax, chuckles. If you disagree, fine. There's no need to get abusive about it. Besides, your complaints will fall on deaf ears, as I'll likely be busy fucking your mother.

Q: Can you review <insert movie here>?
A: I'd love to take requests, but unfortunately, I can't guarantee anything. Besides, I'm very cheap, and the cost-effectiveness of going to see a particular movie based on one request is questionable at best. Oh, and I'm lazy, too.

Q: Why do you talk about your mom so much, and why does your relationship seem so creepy?
A: It's not MOM, it's MORN. In lower-case, the r and n tend to run into each other. The nickname is based on her favourite series of books, The Gap Cycle by Stephen R. Donaldson. The main character's name is Morn Hyland…so, I call her Morn. It's an explanation that's a lot longer than it should be.