The Lassiter Report
Note from Naked: A few months ago, I printed an editorial-slash-essay from Jimmy Lassiter, a reader from Jackson's Hole, Wyoming. Since then, he's been bothering me a lot, wanting to write more for the site. I tried to explain that I don't really DO that, but he's persistent. Finally, I agreed to let him write more, but he had to do it as a news-type story. And, since he apparently went to an information session about "Journalism" at his local Learning Annex, he was pretty sure he could do it. So, here's his inaugural piece. Enjoy!
Denise Richards To Be Temporarily Un-hot.
By Jimmy Lassiter 
JACKSON'S HOLE, WY -- Once again, hot piece of ass Denise Richards, who I'd normally totally nail - is gonna be turning into a fat pig. Sources are saying that the blonde hottie with the normally killer rack has been knocked up AGAIN by that douchebag Charlie Sheen.
Her normally boner-inducing bod will be expanding gradually for the next several months as Sheen-seed gradually mutates into some sort of baby, who may or may not grow up to be hot. According to these reports, she probably won't be in real erection-creating shape until at least June, but she'll probably have to hit the gym and shit for a few months until she's all tight again.
This isn't the first time Richards has completely fucked up her hot, tight body, which normally probably smells like lilacs and tastes like honey. Back in March, she squeezed out another puppy, and it was, like, weeks before you could look at her and feel your pants get tighter.
Sources who wished to remain anonymous - even though he fucking LIVES here with me and eats all my goddamn Mac N Cheese - says he can't understand why someone with such a killer pair of funbags and tight little pooper would want to ruin herself like that.
This reporter then decided to go all devils admiral and shit, and posited the theory that maternal instincts would cause that awesome sweater meat to grow even more, which, in turn, would cause even bigger boners. Anonymous - or should I say, AnonyMOOSE - then pointed out that she's got two little vampires sucking on them instead of him. And that, he concluded, meant that they'd get dried out and shit. The result, according to AnonyMOOSE, is that while they might look good in a bra and shit, once unleashed they'll probably look like a pair of month-old water balloons. At that point, this reporter conceded that AnonyMOOSE had a salient point.
The AnonyMOOSE source then pointed out that having kids gives chicks all sorts of 'roids and stuff. He then said - because now he's a doctor or something even though he don't even have his GED yet - that all that can wreak havoc on the pooper. According to Dr. AnonyMOOSE, not only will the junk gravitate toward the trunk - but not in a good Jennifer Lopez way - but with all that nasty crap poking out of it, what was once a gorgeous, un-invaded chocolate starfish will soon look like a Venus Flytrap.
The AnonyMOOSE source then proceeded to fire up some sweet bud, his point having been made. At that point, this reporter and his AnonyMOOSE source proceeded to watch Wild Things again, all mellowed out. It was a bittersweet moment, as we realized that Denise wouldn't be making us pop one like this until at least September.
In closing, Hollywood has lost another legend.
