November 02, 2005

Venting Time

Okay, I just got back from the screening of Jarhead, and I simply can't let this go any longer.

Here's what happened...and this rant is about 3 years in coming, so forgive me for my tone:

If you've ever been to a promotional screening for a movie, you've doubtless seen this: A theatre full of seats, with a few marked as "reserved". THESE seats are set aside for 2 groups of people. One group is studio employees and sponsors. So, if you work for Universal Films - who paid to MAKE THE FUCKING MOVIE - you get a good seat at the screening. Or, if you work for JACK FM or whichever radio station/newspaper was responsible for giving AWAY these passes, you get a primo seat.

The OTHER group is critics...like myself. WHY? Because the studios would like us to be comfortable when we view this movie. If the movie critic from The Daily Gazette has to sit in the front row of the FuckYouPlex, craning his head up at an unnatural angle, JUST to see the movie that he's being PAID to review, the ensuing article may not be QUITE as positive as you'd like. Sure, some screenings are for critics only, but they're few and far between. And they're expensive...essentially, it involves renting out a theatre during a time (usually morning) when the place would normally be closed. So, inviting critics to Promo Screenings is a good way to save money.

Essentially, you get about 20 or so seats that are reserved for people WHOSE JOB IT IS TO BE THERE. They're either DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for making this screening happen, or they work in the industry. This isn't a fun, free night out...it's WORK.

Does all this make sense? Of course it does. Let's move on. You see, because these "reserved seats" make up roughly THREE PERCENT of the available seats in the venue. The other FIVE HUNDRED SEATS are up for grabs...most of which I might add are JUST AS GOOD as the reserved seats.

Now, if you're a GUEST to this screening, then you've probably won your pass from a radio station, or newspaper, or whatever. You're not PAYING to be there, right? This is a PRIZE.

The passes in question tend to look something like this:

Now, you'll notice, on the other side of the pass, THIS LINE appears:

ARRIVE EARLY, AS THIS PASS DOES NOT ENSURE ADMITTANCE. SEATING IS ON A FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED BASIS.

See, here it is on my Rent pass, plain as fucking day. It's even HIGHLIGHTED. You'd have to be either blind or illiterate to NOT see it. Or just an ignorant douchebag.

By the way, they this because the theatre is overbooked to ensure capacity...there are more passes given out than seats. They do this for 3 reasons. 1) These screenings are EXPENSIVE to put together, so they want a full house to get their money's worth 2) a successful movie is ALWAYS more fun if there are a lot of people there, and 3) if the movie is GOOD, the studio wants the word of mouth from people who were there. Yes, Virginia, believe it or not, these screenings are to PROMOTE the film, not simply out of the goodness of the studio's hearts.

Yet, people ROUTINELY show up at these screenings about 10 SECONDS before the movie starts. They then complain LOUDLY because the only seats left are those shitty seats in the front row that can break your neck. Usually this results in loud complaints...often interrupting the movie for people watching it.

"What do you MEAN I have to sit up there? I have a PASS, GODDAMMIT! I'M ONE OF THE CHOSEN PEOPLE! You either find me GOOD SEATS or I'm going to COMPLAIN TO YOUR MANAGER! I don't DESERVE this kind of shoddy treatment! Why should I show up EARLY, as suggested in BOLD, HIGHLIGHTED TEXT on the pass I got for free? I've been listening to "Porker And The Bean" on the radio for YEARS. As a result, I'm OWED THIS FREE MOVIE."

Occasionally, these people throw the following into the mix: "Is this how you treat YOUR CUSTOMERS????" By the way, EVERY SINGLE TIME this argument is broken out, the people in question have no food or drink, meaning they haven't spent a FUCKING DIME in the theatre.

Most times I review a movie, I get a reserved seat. Why? Because I'm being PAID TO BE THERE. It's my JOB. Yet every SINGLE TIME this happens, I get THIS shit handed to me:

"Hey, what gives YOU the right to sit in the reserved seats?"

Keep in mind, this is usually said by the person in the seat NEXT to me, which WASN'T reserved. So, essentially, they're giving me attitude because they have to sit 3 fucking inches to the LEFT of me, where the screen-view is JUST AS GOOD. Yet, they give me attitude. Normally I can just say "I'm press," and it gets dropped. But sometimes, the people in those horrible non-reserved seats will make comments - even DURING THE MOVIE - because they feel wronged.

For example, once I had one of these jerks "whisper" to the other "Oh, so this guy gets a better seat because he gets to see free movies for a living...obviously, he's better than us."

I didn't say anything, mostly because I'm a guest, and starting shit could very well result in my press credentials being revoked by the studio. Which is the ONLY reason why I didn't shoot back with, "Yes...you're absolutely right. You should be sitting in my seat...because I just HAPPEN to have a job that you believe is more fulfilling than monitoring the change rooms at 'Old Navy'. It's MY fault for wanting to do this job my entire life, and working tirelessly to GET this job. You're MUCH more deserving of the 'good' seat. After all, you were CALLER NUMBER SEVEN!!!!"

This brings me, in a roundabout way, to what happened at the Jarhead screening.

Morn and I sat in our seats...yes, the "reserved for press" seats. And before you point out the fact that Morn ISN'T press, let me just say this in her defense...she has to SLEEP WITH ME. If THAT doesn't deserve a good seat at the occasional movie, nothing does. They don't give MEDALS for banging fat, cranky, prematurely graying jerks, so don't deny her the occasional free movie, okay?

2 rows behind us were some more reserved seats. THESE ones were listed as "Reserved for Universal"...which of course is the studio who MADE the movie. These particular seats were, as far as I could tell, reserved for the 2 Universal employees who had worked tirelessly to make this screening happen in the first place. Of everybody IN the place, these were the 2 people who DESERVED the seats more than anyone else. They'd also put their coats on these seats, because they were busy working at the door.

So, what happens?

2 fucking ASSHOLES come in 2 minutes before the movie starts. They look around and see that there aren't any GOOD seats available. So they go to these reserved seats with coats on them, RIP the RESERVED signs off, toss the coats onto the FLOOR behind them, and sit down.

Naturally, this didn't sit very well with the Universal employees. But, when confronted, these 2 cock-gobblers refused to move. "Hey, there aren't any GOOD SEATS left. We're sitting HERE! Got a problem with that?"

Seriously...if anybody can REALISTICALLY defend the right of these cock-juggling thunder-fucks to behave like this, I will give you $1000.

Eventually, these fuckers were escorted to the "shitty" seats. Personally, I would have kicked them out and banned them from the theatre for life, but that's just me, and I'm an angry, angry man. As far as I'm concerned, they both deserve cancer of the taint.

My point is this, folks. If you get passes to a screening, remember these points.

1) There are a lot of people who work HARD to put these together. As a result...yes, they deserve good seats. Just because you were the first caller to identify a song lyric, that DOESN'T entitle you to royal treatment. You get a free ticket...PERIOD. Nothing else.
2) "Reserved" seats are reserved for a reason...they're for people who work for the studio, or work for the media. They're PAID to be there...it's their job.
3) The people who work hard in this industry AREN'T "better" than you, but it DOES mean that they deserve a proper, reserved seat. We don't go into "The Gap" and demand the employee discount from you. Extend the same courtesy to us.
4) If you're too stupid, ignorant, or lazy to read the BOLD statement on the pass "PLEASE ARRIVE EARLY, AS THEATRE IS OVERBOOKED TO ENSURE CAPACITY", then that's YOUR problem. In fact, I'll go one better...if you're arriving 1 minute before showtime, and pissed off because there are no "good" seats, then you shouldn't be in a movie theatre...you should be in a night-school literacy class.
5) And this has nothing to do with the rest of the rant, but SHUT THE FUCK UP...we're here to see a MOVIE. If we want a commentary, we'll wait for the DVD, jerkass.

Wow...that feels better. I should rant more often.

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