June 11 , 2005

Back In The Saddle Again

So, yeah...my last update promised more updates, and they didn't quite happen. Like I mentioned before, I've been pretty damn busy, with a lot of writing for The Show I'm working for.

You'd think that the life of a freelancer would be a lot of sitting around in my underwear, eating corn chips, watching TV, drinking beer, and occasionally heading down south for a quick tug or two. Actually, you'd be spot on for the most part. But it's a lot of work too.

It's a funny thing...I work predominantly from home now. Initially, it was great, because I didn't have to commute two hours a day downtown and back any more. I mean, I don't even have to DRESS most of the time.

But then, the apartment became like my office...again, not too shabby. But then I started REALLY resenting my own apartment. Sure, that was partially because I had redneck, white trash, unemployed neighbours (more on them in a moment) but my home started to also represent my workplace, and so more and more of my "down" time started involving work...I'd do research during commercial breaks, have an idea while trying to get to sleep that I just wanted to jot down...it started making me a little stir-crazy, quite honestly.

Adding to this was the complete and utter lack of natural light in that hellhole. This is partially due to the dog's-eye-view level of the apartment, and partially because of the enormous sheet I had to hang in my main window. See, the "blinds" my landlord had provided weren't so much "blinds" as they were "sticks tied together, offering everyone who came up to the front door a clear view of my living room and all my stuff". And remember, I wasn't dressed a lot of the time, so "stuff" includes my "stuff", ifyouknowwhatImean.

Plus, there were the neighbours. It got ridiculous. By March of this year, I became the ONLY FUCKING TENANT in my small building who had a JOB. Remember all those stories about Tammy and her mooching? Add THREE OTHER apartments full of people to that list.

This is NOT a picture of Tammy...but let me tell you, it ain't far off...

There was the Danette, who lived right across the hall from me. She was about 45, but a HARD 45. She lived there with her 2 unemployed, adult kids. Her low-light was when her and my landlord stood outside my door SCREAMING at each other, waking me up. The issue? She hadn't paid rent in over six months, and was telling the landlord that she had no intent on paying either the back rent or current rent because he was being, and I quote, "a fucking asshole" about it. Apparently, there's some law that says he can only evict her during certain times of the year, because of the weather or some such bullshit (this was in February or March). She followed THAT up by saying "Why should I pay RENT when you have me living across from a FILTHY DRUNK like that asshole across the hall?"

Okay, for starters, I'm NOT a filthy drunk. I'm actually quite hygienic, and my "drunk" days are pretty much over (although I do still like to enjoy some responsibly-consumed beer from time to time). I'd never been loud, or a disturbance. In fact, I'm exceedingly quiet...mostly because that's a trait I like my fucking NEIGHBOURS to have, and I'm kind of a Golden Rule type of dude. The ONE TIME I had more than one guest (Morn) in my apartment was Christmas Eve...and then I only had Morn, Johnny Pintauro and Chesty McHooters over, and even THEN I was telling them to keep it down when things got rambunctious. So to hear this...well, lets just say that visions of homicide danced in my head. It's ONE THING to steadfastly refuse to get a job and decide that paying rent is a burden that's unnecessary when you can exploit legal loopholes...it's ANOTHER to use MY presence as justification for such douchebaggery.

This is NOT a picture of Danette...but let me tell you, it ain't far off...

But, and here's the best part...10 minutes after Landlord left, Danette knocked at my door. "Hey, sorry about the noise, but that fucking asshole Landlord is HARASSING me. Listen...can I get a cigarette?" I shit you not. I toyed for a moment with politely telling her to fuck off, but then my better nature got the best of me, and I RUDELY told her to fuck off. I may have even ripped off a line from "Blade: Trinity" and called her a "cock-juggling thunder-cunt", but I don't rightly remember.

Then there was the Fat Load, whose name I never actually learned.

This is NOT a picture of Fat Load...but let me tell you, it ain't far off...

She was unemployed, with a live-in boyfriend (who the government didn't know about, if you get my drift) and 2 LOUD little fucker kids. Not only was Fat Load leeching from me, but she was routinely sitting out front, having loud conversations on her cordless phone, and smoking. All this while her 2 kids would play loudly...which usually involved kicking a fucking ball at my living room window. I don't know what was worse...the fact that she was doing this at noon (which, because I work nights, is when I try to sleep) or the fact that she usually kept these little hellspawn out there doing this PAST MIDNIGHT (both of the little brats are under 4 years old). At one point, at about 10:00 at night, when I was trying to WORK, I finally lost it, charged outside, and screamed "If you're gonna have them doing this ALL NIGHT, take them to a fucking PARK or something!" Her response? "I'll take them to the park if you give me a couple of cigarettes."

I'm telling you, not a jury on the PLANET would have convicted me if I'd let my temper get the best of me over that one.

Oh, and then there's Greasy Lard Ass.

This is NOT a picture of Greasy Lard Ass...but let me tell...actually, it looks like a mugshot, so it probably IS a picture of Greasy Lard Ass.

He moved in right above me. About 2 weeks after he moved in, I got a knock at my door at THREE AM and there he stood, reeking of illegal substances.

GLA: Hey man, sorry to bother you, but Tammy told me you work nights from home, and you'd be up.

NC: Okay...who are you?

GLA: I just moved in upstairs.

NC: And...?

GLA: Listen, man, is there any way I could get a spare box of Kraft Dinner off you or something?

NC: I...what?

GLA: Kraft Dinner...or you know, the no-name stuff if that's all you've got. I have, like, zero food in the house.

NC: No. Nothing. Don't ever knock on my door asking for stuff again at this time of night.

GLA: Fuck man, you're UP...

SLAM.

A few weeks after that, he was expecting his cheque from the government, and it was late. Since he didn't have his dope money, he responded by ripping most of our mailboxes off the wall, rifling through the contents looking for OTHER PEOPLE'S cheques, and rendering it impossible for us to get proper mail service.

So, between resenting my apartment for the neighbours AND the fact that I was always doing some form of work, I started spending as little time there as possible. I've been playing a lot of Texas Hold 'Em, actually. There's a play-for-free league here in Toronto called the "Red Hot Poker Tour". They have tournaments in different bars in the city and surrounding area 7 nights a week. It's a goddamn blast...I actually found it by accident when I was working on a poker-themed segment for The Show, and got hooked. As it turns out, I'm pretty good...I'm actually set for their "Tournament Of Champions" later this month.

But, back to the apartment...yeah, I moved. And that's taken a lot out of me lately.

But, the GOOD news is that Morn and I got a nice place together. Sorry, did I call it nice? It's fucking HEAVEN. This place is HUGE...2 bedrooms, meaning I have an office to work in while she sleeps in the next room, undisturbed. And, so far, there's not a single, solitary Tammy, Danette, Fat Load, or Greasy Lard Ass in the building. They're all friendly, employed, and QUIET. It's like my version of Shangri-La, Eden, and Valhalla all rolled into a self-contained, roomy package. It's got light, a balcony that's bigger than many rooms, and even a DISHWASHER. It's actually too nice for a shmuck like me, but I'll take it.

I'm starting to ramble now, so I'll wrap up. But I've got some killer anecdotes to share with you soon. They include:

My Jeopardy! Audition
My night with a hot model in bondage girl, beer, and a video camera (yes, really...)
My really piss-poor TV gig audition
The video for my Armageddon Wings debacle, and the Sisyphean ordeal surrounding it
My rare 4:20 experience
Ruminations on the fact that I'm now living with my ex-wife again

You'll see more of me...stay tuned! (and please, PLEASE help me get some traffic...)

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