February 26, 2005

YOU MAKE THE CALL!

Morn is still hooked on Resident Evil 4. I don't think we've had a meaningful conversation in a week. She comes over, plunks herself down, plays for a few hours, and goes home. Pretty soon, she'll forget about even greeting me. She'll just grunt on her way in, hit the Gamecube, and grunt again on her way out. And not even the GOOD kind of grunting.

Except for one thing…she's still asking for my advice. She's roughly 8 hours behind me in game progress, so she's constantly asking me for advice on how to beat this level or that level. I tried to tell her that it detracts from the game…that she should work it out herself, and that it will be far more rewarding that way. In fact, the last time I suggested this, I went so far as to condescendingly admonish her "You know…you're only cheating YOURSELF."

Let me just say…bad move. VERY bad move.

You'd think that would teach me to keep my mouth shut…you'd be wrong. This is what happened last night:

She was about to face a particularly brutal battle…one that she had already lost a couple of times, courtesy of some maniacal possessed villager women who separated her character's head from his neck with a chainsaw. This freaked her out BIG time.

She then spent about 10 minutes staring at the "load" screen…too freaked out to attempt it again. This, by the way, is time I COULD have spent watching "The Screen Savers" on G4…but NOOOO…SHE was too busy PLAYING…

So, sheepishly, she turned to me - still freaked out - and asked "Do you know what makes me even MORE retarded?"

THE NAKED CRITIC PRESENTS: YOU MAKE THE CALL!!

Your cute ex-wife-slash-girlfriend has just made this statement to you…what is the proper response?

A) You're not retarded…it's a scary, freaky game!
B) Oh, stop it. Just play already…it's only a game
C) Wow…after saying that, you don't have to buy me a Christmas present this year.

YOU MAKE THE CALL!

If you said A or B…CONGRATULATIONS! You made the RIGHT CALL!

If, however, you said C…you made the WRONG CALL…just like the Naked Critic did. In this scenario, you giggle like a mongoloid idiot for about 4 seconds, before seeing a large, full bottle of hand cream making its way toward your head at MACH 2. It also means that you've had to wake up every hour on the hour all night in case you had a concussion. You're also searching for a good dentist.

Thank you for playing YOU MAKE THE CALL…and if you chose C, you should now seek medical attention.

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