January 31, 2005

Armageddon It

Sorry…it's taken a while to get this updated, but between being sick as a dog and problems with my ISP, I haven't had much chance.

But, it is official. I have taken the Armageddon Wing challenge, and I survived! Somehow, I managed to choke down all ten of those bad boys (Well, 9 and a bit…I'll get to that in a moment.)

First, if you didn't read the previous entry, these wings that I suffered through are the hottest wings in Canada. The heat of a jalapeno pepper rates 1500 Scoville Heat Units…these wings measure 850,000. That's some hot stuff, folks.

It gets worse…when I first called Duff's to ask about doing this, the proprietor asked me -- and I swear I'm not making this up - "Why do you want to injure yourself?" When I GOT there and spoke to the gentleman, he informed me that when he makes the sauce, he wears a gasmask. At this point, I wasn't thinking "Oh, what a clever little stunt I'm doing." I was looking for an exit.

But my mouth had made the bet, and now my ass had to cash the cheque, so to speak. Plus, we had a bunch of cameras there, and it wouldn't have made for a very good video if it consisted solely of me running screaming like a raped ape from the restaurant, now would it? (Actually, it probably would have…)

So we sat down. Paul, being a bit of a weiner, got chicken fingers. I took a deep breath and ordered 10 Armageddon Wings, plus some milk. Interesting piece of trivia…if you're eating something hot, do NOT drink water…that makes it worse. Milk or yogurt is the way to go…there's some enzyme that counteracts the spicy effect or something. Of course, I'm lactose intolerant, so I was really going for the lesser of two evils here.

When these little harbingers of doom arrived, they actually sounded a SIREN to let the whole restaurant know that some idiot was getting the Armageddon Wings. Of course, with all the cameras and lights on me, everyone pretty much knew that I was that idiot already, so this was really just spiking the ball.

Before chowing down, I decided to tempt fate and smell these bad boys. HOLY SWEET MOTHER OF FUCK. It was like inhaling pure ammonia. I could feel my nose hairs burning. I gave them to Paul to smell, and I swear, he had tears in his eyes. Then the crew took a turn smelling them…and the cocky young film-school grins they were wearing were immediately replaced by looks of sheer terror and amazement that anybody could be so STUPID as to ingest these things. Of course, they'd just met me.

I figured the way to get through these suckers was to eat them as fast as possible. Heat has a way of building up in your mouth, so the effect is worse 3 or 4 minutes after the stuff first touches your tongue. So I figured wing #1 would be hot but bearable, and then I could get through another 3 or 4 before the heat REALLY kicked in.

Wrong. Oh, so wrong.

That first bite was like…it was like biting into molten fucking lava. I had to fight every single fibre of my being not to run outside and bury my face in a snow bank. It was like every single nerve ending in my body had gone numb, except for the ones in my mouth. I'm not sure how it looks on video, but I'm positive that steam came out of my ears like Yosemite Fucking Sam. And yet, through all of that, one thought was crystal clear in my mind…"It's going to get worse."

The proprietor had told me that most people don't even finish the first wing. I believe it. I'm telling you guys right here and now…if it wasn't for all the friggin' cameras pointed at me, I'd have given up right there and then.

You know how you have something a little spicy, like Frank's Red Hot sauce? You know how it feels like your tastebuds are doing a merry little jig in your mouth? This was no jig….it was like the inside of my mouth was the dance hall in Carrie…the place was burning down and all the buds were running for the exit, only to find out they were trapped and about to die a grisly death. These red-coated wings started to actually LOOK like Carrie…I shit you not.

At about Wing 4, I decided to cut one of the hellish little devils up and pass it around for the rest of the crew. Buceta passed, of course (wimp) but a couple of the film school kids tried tiny pieces…trust me…they stopped snickering at me after that.

It's like I developed a kind of tunnel vision…there were no spectators, no cameras…the only two things that existed in the world were my mouth and these wings.

In the spirit of full disclosure (and because it was caught on tape) I should mention that I almost quit twice…once at about Wing 5, and again at Wing 8. But I just kept chanting the same mantra to myself. Through the sweating and the snot and the hideous pain in my mouth, I kept thinking "It will be over soon."

But I was wrong there, too. See, after I finished off the last wing, I still had to deal with the burning both IN my mouth and wherever the sauce was on my person. I tried washing my face in the bathroom, but that made it worse…I honestly felt like the outside of my face was burning. That's when the proprietor clued me in to another solution…lemon. Sweet, soothing lemon.

But it STILL didn't end there. It was time for me to take a trip to Yak-ville.

To be perfectly honest, this REALLY had nothing to do with the wings. It was more to do with the fact that I ate WAY too fast on a generally full stomach. The first time it was pretty minor…an indigestion-type minor spew outside the car. But when I got home, with these Armageddon Wings brewing in my stomach, it happened a second time. And again, to be fair, I'd had about a half-dozen people telling me repeatedly I should do it on purpose to feel better, so I think it was really a mind-over-matter thing.

Kee-RIST. Now I know what a fucking dragon feels like. It was even HOTTER coming back. I don't know how I managed not to set the bathroom on fire.

It was kind of a relief, to be honest. I felt better afterwards, took some Pepto, and felt generally okay. I was also hoping that by "refunding" my wings, I would avoid the dreaded "Ring Of Fire" afterwards. You know what I'm talking about…feeling the heat not once, but TWICE…

I didn't avoid it. I'm going to spare you the details, for the most part. But YES, I did feel the heat a second time. But…and here's where it gets kind of strange…it wasn't a completely unpleasant sensation. Go figure.

So, there you have it…I faced Armageddon, and came out on top. And I'm never, EVER doing it again.

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