January 18, 2005

Kathy Griffin Must Die.

I love awards shows. I always have. When I was a kid, the one night a year I was allowed to stay up late was on Oscar night. Actually, now that I've typed that out, I now know why my father thought I was gay until I was 20 years old.

The problem is, I know they're a guilty pleasure. They're crass, self-indulgent, and normally quite lame. The lamest of the bunch is, of course, the Golden Globe awards. They're not awarded by a jury of peers…just by some outfit called the "Hollywood Foreign Press Association"…which you only hear from one night a year. But for some reason, the show is considered a big deal.

Well, I thought a fun experiment would be to document my experience watching this year's Golden Globes. Of course, halfway through the show I realized that Harry Knowles was doing the same thing over at Ain't It Cool News. Oh, and I fell asleep during Robin Williams' 25 minute acceptance speech.

But what I DO have is my critique of the most pathetic 2 hours in television history. I'm referring, of course, to the E! Pre-show from the Red Carpet. I can't believe I'm saying this, but it made me long for the days of Joan and Melissa Rivers.

So, if you missed it - as you should have - here's what you missed:

6:00 - Colour bars…hmmm…and I'm not even drunk yet.

6:01 - OH GOD NO! STAR JONES! STAR FUCKING JONES! Can I PLEASE get the colour bars back? After lame quips about the celebs that will be there, she says "Speaking of stars, they don't get any bigger than Louis Gossett Jr". Um…Star? No, I BEG to fucking differ

6:05 - Five minutes in, and I already miss Joan Rivers. First beer cracked.

6:06 - Star mentions that Shoreh Agdashloo is doing "The American Bling-Bling thing with (her) earrings". Is it wrong that I hate her more than most incurable diseases?

6:07 - Kathy Griffin shows up to co-host…Star and Kathy together? I don't have enough booze for this. Joan!!! JOAN AND MELISSA RIVERS PLEASE COME BACK!!

6:08 - Oh dear God, this is painful. Kathy is talking to The Bachlorette. Great…two reality show hacks. Griffin is making "self-deprecating" jokes about how she's "barely supposed to be here" and "has to clean the kitchen later". I couldn't agree more.

6:10 - Star tells Mos Def that his performance in The Woodsman is "next level". Where's a cholesterol-induced heart attack when you need one? Me or Star…either one is fine, as long as one of us has a heart attack and ends this.

6:17 - Star introduces Virginia Madsen as "One of my new favourite actresses". Someone should tell her that she's been acting for 22 years. Then again, poor Star was probably face-first in a pot of Stove-Top stuffing until 1998

6:19 - Star mentions that she's got "beautiful women all over". Nobody points out that they're standing next to Star Jones, with makes it relative.

6:21 - Over to Kathy Griffin…she cracks a joke about Dakota Fanning (10 years old) being admitted to rehab today. See, THIS is why the only work she gets is on "celebrity" reality shows.

6:24 - They cut to plug a new show starring Wayne Newton. Then they cut to a commercial for the new Dakota Fanning movie Hide And Seek. Considering Griffin's lame joke, I have a feeling that the studio will be asking for a refund.

6:28 - Back from commercial. Sadly, neither Star nor Kathy are dead yet. Kathy complains that nobody has spoken to her yet, so she brings her husband out to update us on the Colts-Patriots game. He looks embarrassed to be there. I would be too.

6:29 - Denis Leary's wife is surprisingly hot. I'm tempted to say "well done", but I have a feeling that it could have been Bill Hicks' wife, and that Leary stole her along with all his jokes.

6:31 - Star rhetorically asks "Do you know what it's like to have a brain fart on international television?" Well, she was bound to fart sooner or later.

6:33 - Star talks to the cast of the very good show Entourage. Debi Mazar's breasts are about to have a wardrobe malfunction but, sadly, they don't. Then Star says "Not for nothing, but as we say in New York…Good Job". Really, Star? They SAY that in New York? Let me just follow that up, Star, by saying - as we say in my apartment - "PLEASE shut the fuck up."

6:34 - Kathy Griffin says she saw Nicole Kidman on the carpet, and that she was "wasted". I get the feeling it's because Kidman refused to speak to her and this is that moron's idea of "revenge". I cannot figure out which one of these talentless zeroes - Star or Kathy - that I hate more.

6:35 - Guzzling beer…deciding that I have enough hatred for Star and Kathy equally.

6:39 - Kathy finally gets someone to talk to…Tony Hale from Arrested Development. She continues to crack lame jokes. She says that he's one of the five best dressed people there…because he's one of the first five to arrive. Then she makes jokes about Fat Albert being shut out. And she wonders why she can't get work.

6:40 - Star talks to Morgan Freeman, whom she adores. She promises not to jump up and down squealing "Hercules! Hercules! Hercules!" That bitch just stole one of my jokes.

6:44 - Star says to Dennis Haybert "The whole world seems to think that 24 is one of the best shows ever put on television…do you agree?" I'm wondering what planet she lives on. Again.

6:50 - A question…is there a SINGLE PERSON ALIVE that gives a rat's ass "who" these actresses are wearing? Seriously.

6:51 - Star talks to Cecil B. Demille Award winner Robin Williams. In a nice touch, he brings his entire family into the shot. Unfortunately, his kids look like they'd rather be at the Auschwitz party with Prince Harry than with Star Jones on the red carpet. When the focus goes to them, they say pretty much nothing…kind of odd, when you consider that they're ROBIN WILLIAMS' KIDS!

6:56 - Star introduces Emily Watson with a horrible made-up song. But, on the plus side, we've had almost 20 Kathy-Griffin-Free minutes. I choose to enjoy them while they last.

6:57 - Star promises not to gush, then mentions that she always gets in trouble for gushing. She proceeds to gush all over Tim Robbins. I'd prefer not to think of ANYTHING "gushing" from Star Jones, thankyouverymuch

6:59 - Kathy Griffin asks Jeffrey Tambor for weed. Then she "jokingly" asks him "When is your new CD going to drop." Holy sweet mother of fuck, somebody put her out of her misery.

7:00 - Star says "Not for nothing" for roughly the 85th time. She then talks to Christine Lahti, and brings up that "in the bathroom when the winner is announced" incident from a few years ago…because, you know, she CAN'T be sick of that yet.

7:01 - I've got to admit, Glenn Close looks great. No joke…just…wow.

7:03 - Star warns us that we have "60 seconds to run to the kitchen" because it's the last commercial break. It's always about the food with this woman.

7:07 - Star with Ewan McGregor, looking quite dapper. She asks if the new Star Wars movie will have "any lasers?" Ugh…idiot.

7:09 - Kathy finally gets another interview…Michael Chiklis. Makes fun of his wife for being skinny, and then asks about football. Then she asks them if they want to "swing", and if they've ever gotten "a hooker at this hotel". There's only one word to describe her…TWAT. TWAT TWAT TWAT.

7:12 - Star is talking to Felicity Huffman, but I'm still so filled with rage that Kathy Griffin is allowed to exist that I can't pay attention. I have a hard time finding work, and yet SHE pops up everywhere. I want to meet the person that finds Kathy Griffin funny. Then, I will kill that person. I will bludgeon them to death with a giant mackerel.

7:19 - Why did I decide to do this? I can feel myself getting dumber as the time goes by.

7:20 - Kathy Griffin complains that nobody will come and talk to her. Not even her HUSBAND comes out this time. Take a fucking hint.

7:21 - Star is "gushing" again, this time over Laura Linney. Now picture Star Jones "gushing". You can never un-see that. You're welcome.

7:22 - Kathy is "finally" talking to someone…Oliver Platt. She then fucks it up by asking him "Who made your dress", "Isn't it amazing that the Bachelorette is here?" and "Who do you think is going to win The Amazing Race?" Just die already. If you can't be bothered to do the research, don't take the job, idiot. And die. By the way, I'm starting to look forward to seeing Star just to avoid Kathy, so I know whom I hate more now.

7:24 - Who does Jeremy Piven think he's fooling with that full head of hair?

7:25 - Kathy Griffin asks Mariska Hargitay "Who do you think is going to get drunkest tonight?" She incorrectly answers "Jeremy Piven", which Kathy says is "money in the bank." The correct answer, if this keeps up, is "The Naked Critic".

7:26 - Star talks to Don Cheadle about Hotel Rwanda. It's impossible to make jokes about genocide, so I'll move on…

7:27 - Portia DeRossi shows up. Good god…this is why they make lesbian porn. Drooooooool.

7:31 - Kathy talks to Best Supporting Actor nominee and former Wings star Thomas Hayden Church. From here, in TORONTO, I can hear Tim Daly and Steven Weber swearing at the screen. She then fucks THIS up by asking him "Where the hell have you been?" Like SHE has any right to comment on anyone's career. Also asks him if he was drunk the entire time he made Sideways. Because he hasn't heard THAT before. Idiot.

7:33 - Star wins the "Insight Of The Night" award by saying to Cate Blanchett "Your Kate Hepburn made me forget I was watching Cate Blanchett…which, as an actress, is what you're supposed to do." In other news…water is supposed to make you wet.

7:35 - Kathy gets to talk to Clive Owen, and mentions that he was almost just bumped for Leonardo DiCaprio…and if that's not bad enough, she follows up by saying "I saw Closer…and I think you're a perv." Then she asks him if his ears are real, and - once again - who he thinks is going to win The Amazing Race. I bet he wishes he WAS bumped for DiCaprio. She just keeps getting worse and worse.

7:38 - Star talks to Kevin Spacey, who kisses HER ass. I can't figure that one out. He's wearing a pin that will be actioned off for Tsunami Relief, which is classy.

7:40 - Kathy gets even MORE annoying, by asking Dylan Walsh "You're not wearing a pin of any kind…don't you care about anyone?" 160,000 dead, and Kathy Griffin is still walking around…where's the justice?

7:43 - Kathy with Juliana Marguiles. She mentions that she knows Joel Schumacher from when she was waiting tables. Kathy asks which restaurant…apparently because after this she's going to need work.

7:45 - Star Jones asks Debra Messing how her baby is, and Debra says "Delicious". Not only does that sound just wrong, but I'm pretty sure I heard Star's stomach growl.

7:48 - My future ex-wife Jennifer Garner shows up. She claims to be fine, but she's standing crooked. I think she needs to be lying down…with me.

7:49 - Kathy talks to the 2 kids from Arrested Development and breaks out her Dakota Fanning joke again. The kids make her look bad by being funnier. Then, after another series of lame jokes, Kathy breaks out the Amazing Race joke AGAIN. They'd put a horse down for being this lame.

7:50 - Star asks Kevin Kline why he's still "robbing the cradle" with Phoebe Cates. I guess Kathy fed her a joke. They aren't amused.

7:52 - Star talks to Wayne Newton! He has a new show on E! What are the odds????

7:54 - Kathy Griffin gets Kerry Washington from Ray and says - I shit you not - "your movie is great, but do you really think it's better than The Surreal Life 4?" Then she asks about The Amazing Race AGAIN (4th time with the same lame joke), hits them up for weed, and asks her if she thinks it's fair that Jamie Foxx got three nominations and the Olsen Twins got none. I say again…TWAT. Thank GOD this is almost over.

7:59 - Kathy gets Sean Hayes, who literally tries to beg off the interview to go to the bathroom. Pulls out the Dakota Fanning joke AGAIN. I hope she gets sued. Then she asks Sean Hayes "Are you nominated?" proving she did no research. God, I hate her so, so much.

I swear in the name of all that is good and holy, I will NEVER put myself through this much pain again. The Armageddon Wings? Piece of cake…after all, I SURVIVED STAR JONES AND KATHY GRIFFIN!!!

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