January 13, 2005

What IS That Thing??

I was at the preview screening of Elektra last night. The review will be coming tomorrow. Patience, young nerdy grasshoppers.

Anyhoo, when I got there, I was excited. Partially because I knew I was going to see Jennifer Garner bouncing around and kicking serious ass wearing some unbelievably hot costumes. That alone is enough to make my pants tight.

I couldn't decide which picture was jaw-droppingly hotter, so here's both of them.

But my FOX homies were kind enough to let me know that they were showing the Fantastic Four trailer for the first time. In fact, I THINK we were the first audience in North America to see it…but I could be wrong.

I should start off by saying that FF was my Gateway Comic. It was my pure, unfettered childhood love for FF that sparked my interest in comic books. That, in turn, led to several years of desperate loneliness, never knowing the touch of a woman…as is wont to happen to comic book nerds. However, I like to think that it's because I was too choosy…I never met a girl who met up to Sue Richards or (for a time) the She Hulk's impressive standards. That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.

That having been said, I've been pretty optimistic about this treatment. Sure, Jessica Alba seemed too young to play Sue, but hey…she's fucking hot.

Sadly, I now have no faith in this picture at all.

Part of it is the truly lousy effects on display in the trailer. I suppose it's possible that they're still touching them up. But if so, WHY bother putting them in the trailer? It doesn't make sense.

But the true horror was relegated to The Thing. Maybe you've heard of him. Ben "Rocky" Grimm? Anyone? I always loved this character.

However, they've made him look…ugh. Just fucking LOUSY. He's supposed to be a big, tough-looking rocky dude. Instead…I'm not kidding here, words fail me. He looks so BAD that I honestly believe that the post-dioxin Viktor Yushchenko looks like a more convincing Thing than Michael Chiklis. Don't believe me? Here's the proof.

Yeah, that's right. I made a joke about a guy who was almost lethally poisoned and disfigured by his political opponents. Oh yes...I went there.

|