December 14, 2004

CONTEST! The Saddest Music In The World

Hey kids. I know it's been a while, and that I'm way, WAY behind. So, this is my way of making up for it…sort of.

It's a contest…and that means FREE STUFF!

Namely, I have 1 DVD copy of Guy Maddin's "The Saddest Music In The World" to give away, courtesy of the good folks at TVA Films.

If you're unfamiliar with the film, it's kind of a dark, twisted story, set during the Depression, about a beer baroness in Winnipeg who sponsors a contest to find, well, "The Saddest Music In The World". It stars Mark McKinney and Isabella Rossellini. I'm not going to get into the finer details of plot quite yet…I'm holding off on my review until the contest is over.

So, what do you monkeys have to do? Simple…tell me what the saddest song you've ever heard is. The person who sends me the saddest song gets the DVD. Simple as that.

Now, those of you who know me know that I love sad music. It explains a lot, if you think about it. Personally, I think one of the saddest songs I've ever heard was written by a friend of mine, the late Matthew Osborne. It's called "Who Can Do You Right"…and it's really worth a listen. Click on the link to hear, or right-click to download.

There are some of you who may also be thinking "Hey, this is a GREAT idea! A manic-depressive, underachieving shut-in listening to hundreds of sad songs! Should I call your shrink NOW, or wait until you stop answering your phone?" To be honest, I have no comeback for that, so I'll just ignore it.

As for the contest, here are my rules

1) Maximum 2 song suggestions per person. If you send in 2 suggestions and then remember later "Oh shit! THIS song is ten times more sad!" then tough. I'll take your first two suggestions ONLY.

2) ANYONE who suggests Mike & The Mechanics' "The Living Years" will be immediately disqualified. NO EXCEPTIONS. The same goes for Eric Clapton's "Tears In Heaven". Actually, it's the same for ANY song by Mike and the Mechanics or Eric Clapton. Hey, it's MY fucking contest...my rules.

3) ANYONE suggesting "Seasons In The Sun" will be banned from my site for life. I'm so NOT fucking kidding. Sure, I don't know how to do that, exactly, but I'll figure out how. And THEN you'll be sorry.

4) If more than one person submits the same song, and it gets chosen, then it will come down to random chance. I will put the names of ALL the people who nominated that particular song in a hat, at which point Morn will choose a winner blindfolded. And yes, this is a cheap excuse to get Morn to wear a blindfold. And yes, I'll be taking advantage of the situation. And no, I'm not sorry about it. And yes, she probably will be.

5) This is "sad" as in emotionally sad. It can be the way the music is performed, the lyrics, a combination…whatever. Do NOT send joke submissions. For instance, I know for a fact that Johnny Pintauro will be sending me an email saying "Hey, have you ever heard Madonna's cover of American Pie? Now THAT'S sad!" Don't do that.

6) EMAIL ONLY, please. Don't use the talkback to submit your entry. I'll ignore it.

7) All entries must contain your full name, mailing address, and any Instant Messenger information you have. I'm asking for this because I may need you to IM me the MP3 of the song in question. ALL INFORMATION WILL BE HELD IN 100% CONFIDENCE!

8) Entries are due midnight EST, December 20th. A winner will be announced on January 2nd, 2005.

9) I will pick the five songs that I think are the saddest. I will then be turning those five over to an impartial judge to select the saddest. The impartial judge's decision will be final.

I've decided upon Mr. Chris White, the Internet Comedy Godfather, as the independent judge. If you're unfamiliar, Chris is the brains behind TopFive.com, Daily Probe, Ruminations, and everything else that is good and funny on the web. I chose him because...well partially because Guy Maddin is in Europe making a movie or something. Also because if there's one class of people who know sad inside and out, it's comics.

Except, of course, for Carrot Top. He only knows evil.

Oh, one last thing. Influencing the judges is not only acceptable, but encouraged. The last time I had a contest, I got some pretty hot pictures, mostly of entrants' breasts. I'll take them again. I won't guarantee that they'll work, but I'll take them anyway. I'm sure Chris won't mind either*. After all, he's an INTERNET celebrity. And if we have to hear all these sad songs, we'll NEED To get cheered up by some breasts.

So have at it…the saddest song you've ever heard! Ready…set…GO!

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*Male breast photos will be forwarded immediately to Chris.