November 24, 2004
Movie-going assholes
Something happened to me last week that I've been kind of toying with in my head. The result is that I think I might be (deep breath) an old man. Sorry, a CRANKY old man.
Sure, I'm young-ish, relatively speaking. I'm still young enough to play Halo 2 online for hours on end and love it. But by the same token, I'm also OLD enough that I routinely get my ass kicked by 12-year-old kids.
But that's not what happened. It was actually two things. They both happened at the preview screening of "Christmas With The Kranks". Now, let me just say that attending a screening of this movie is enough to put ANYONE in a bad mood, but I digress.
As Morn and I walked in, we were greeted, once again, by someone I like to call "The Leech." This is the guy who was standing outside the "Something's Gotta Give" screening last year, begging people for passes. He was there again. Now, it turns out this guy is known as a "regular" around town. He finds out when movies are having screenings, goes to the theatre, and begs everyone coming in for a ticket. It is, quite frankly, the most pathetic thing I have ever seen in my life. He's a lonely, homely, balding, middle-aged loser who will do anything for a free movie.
Now, I see The Leech at about every third screening. And here's the thing…it's not that he asks me EVERY SINGLE FUCKING TIME for a pass that bugs me…although it DOES bug me. What bugs me more is that he'll ask me for the ticket while I am standing there with whomever my guest happens to be. This INFURIATES me. Pal, do you HONESTLY THINK that I'm going to send my guest home in order to give you a ticket? So, I've taken to telling him to fuck off every time I see him.
But the night of the "Kranks" screening, I was in a particularly foul mood…which is to be expected when you're going to have to sit through a Tim Allen movie. Sure enough, The Leech walks right up to me and says "Can I have one of your tickets."
So I snapped.
"You know," I said, "Every single time you ask me, I tell you to Fuck Off. So, I'm telling you for the last time…FUCK OFF! Don't make me tell you again…you won't like it."
Morn looked at me with a bemused expression. On one hand, she thought - probably quite rightly - that I was being unnecessarily harsh. On the other hand, she's sick of The Leech too.
Then, we got into the movie, bought our $10 snacks, and settled in for some Tim Allen wackiness. But it didn't end there.
First off, The Leech (HE GOT A TICKET) sat RIGHT IN FRONT of us. And, as he was sitting down, he flashed me with what must be the smuggest fucking grin I have ever seen.
But then, The Blob shows up, and sits right NEXT to him.
I'm pretty sure that The Blob is a "regular" at screenings as well, and as annoying as The Leech is, THIS guy is 10 times worse. It's not just because he's a massive, corpulent ball of flesh. It's not his questionable hygiene, either. It's not even that he has the most annoying laugh in history. Remember in "Dumb and Dumber" when Jim Carrey demonstrated "The Most Annoying Sound In The World"? That's what this guy's laugh sounds like. "HEEEEHHHHHH HEEEEHHHHH HEEEEEEEH!!!!" in this high, reedy tone that makes me want to jam Milk Duds into my ears.
Remember Robert DeNiro in the movie theatre in "Cape Fear"? It's THAT, without the cigar smoke, and sounding like Danny DeVito on helium.
No, that's not it. Because come on, people are ALLOWED to laugh. Some people just have awkward-sounding laughs.
No, I hate The Blob because he will NEVER SHUT THE FUCK UP.
Laughing is one thing. But this corpulent loser HAS to parrot every funny thing back to the screen…you know, just in case the other 500 people didn't hear it the first time. And he'll do it repeatedly. This guy was one of the Assholes that were sighted at the Secret Window screening, bellowing "RUBBERNECKER" about 500 times.
And, as it turns out, The Leech and The Blob are friends. Go figure.
The movie started, and, as I was watching and taking mental notes, The Blob started in.
EVERY SINGLE FUCKING joke line was repeated, LOUDLY.
Y'all know me. You know I can't STAND people who talk through movies. Well, multiply that by the knowledge that The Blob didn't pay - or win, or earn - his way into the theatre. He BEGGED his way in. He then proceeded to act like an obnoxious fucking asshole through half the movie. No wonder he's begging for single movie tickets…my guess is that he's never known the touch of a woman outside of a Rub'N'Tug.
Finally, after hearing him parrot lines back to the screen, I'd had enough. I leaned forward and tapped him on the shoulder, waving my Jumbo soda at him.
"If you don't shut the fuck up," I whispered, "I am going to dump this entire drink on your head."
The look he gave me was odd. It told me that he was used to being threatened, yet he was still indignant about it. Still incapable of not screaming, he shot back at me with "I'M ALLOWED TO LAUGH, YOU KNOW."
So, I did the only thing I could do. I took the lid off my cup as he was watching me and leaned forward. Fortunately, Morn has the reflexes of The Flash, and shot forward to restrain me.
The good news? He shut the fuck up after that. He continued to laugh the loud, braying laugh, but that's his right. But when he felt the need to comment on the movie to The Leech, he WHISPERED. It was glorious.
I left the theatre thinking that I'd made a difference. 500 people who would have HATED "Christmas With The Kranks" now left merely disliking it…all thanks to me. Consider it my Christmas gift to them.
But…now I'm wondering…did I go too far with these idiots? Did my swearing and threats make ME the asshole instead of them? Or did they have it coming. I'm not so sure now.
Oh, one other thing…I have a public confession to make. After we left the theatre, I told Morn that I was simply trying to MAKE The Blob think I was going to dump the drink on him. "I wouldn't have actually done it," I said. This is not true. The odds were about 70-30 in favour of giving the big load an Orange Crush bath.
But I didn't. And I'm the better man for not doing it. I know this now.
But DAMN it would have felt GOOD.
