November 07, 2004
In All Fairness...
Ok, in my last journal entry, I made fun of a Freudian slip that Morn made, and, well, mocked her a little. But now I'm feeling bad.
So, I will now relate, to you, the three stupidest things I have ever said. Hopefully, this will even out my karma.
STUPID THING NUMBER ONE: HIGH SCHOOL
10th grade drama class, first day. I was taking a drama credit because I needed an arts credit, and I can barely draw stick figures. Seriously, I have all the hand-eye coordination of Jello.
I met a girl for the first time named Kelly. We were asked to partner up with someone, and since I didn't know anyone in the class, I wound up partnered with this girl. We assign ourselves as person A and person B, as per our instructions.
The teacher then says "Okay, person A (Kelly), go stand at the back of the stage." Kelly doesn't move…just standing there.
"Hey," I said. "Go."
"Sorry?"
"Go to the back of the stage. What, are you deaf?"
At this point, time stands still for what seems like an eternity as she levels a cool gaze at me. Then, she slowly and deliberately moves her hair from her ears, displaying her hearing aids. "I beg your pardon?" she asks evenly.
It was about a month before I had the courage to even open my mouth again.
STUPID THING NUMBER TWO: WORK
The year was 1995. I was working as an accounting clerk for a telecommunications company. Our department worked very closely with our sales department. And one of our sales reps was a guy named Pete.
Now, Pete LOVED to gamble. Every time I saw him, we'd banter about his "sure" tips on horses running that day (My old man LOVED the ponies growing up, so I knew enough to actually carry on the discussion). When I went to Vegas for the first time, before I left he gave me $50 US and asked me to bet on a number at the first roulette table I saw when I got there. (It lost). He loved playing the lottery. He just plain liked to gamble.
One day, Pete walks into our department, and I greet him with the standard, "Hey Pete…any hot horse tips today?"
He gave me a grim smile and said "Actually, I don't gamble any more."
"Yeah right," I said, chuckling.
"No, I'm serious," he said. "I'm in Gamblers Anonymous."
The department stopped working. All eyes were on Pete. For the next 5 minutes, he told us about how gambling had become a serious addiction for him. He then went on to explain how GA was helping him fight these demons, and how tough it was on him to turn away from gambling. It was actually very, very touching. We all nodded in sympathy, feeling his pain. It was a nice moment.
But, you know, sometimes these moments get just a little too heavy. And when that happens, you need someone to crack a joke to lighten things up. And that's where I come in. I'm ALWAYS there with a crack to turn a somber mood around. It's just my thing. THIS seemed like one of those times.
"Hey Pete," I said. "I've got 20 bucks that says I can get you gambling by the end of the day!"
See, here's the thing about being the clown. A SMART clown knows what's appropriate, and when. He picks the right moment, and more importantly, picks the right thing to say.
This was neither.
I don't know what was worse…the genuinely sad look in Pete's eyes as he looked at me, or hearing at least four of my co-workers whisper "Asshole" under their breath.
STUPID THING NUMBER THREE: I DON'T KNOW SPORTS
Back in about 1997, I was spending a nice, leisurely Saturday night doing the usual…which invariably involved watching hockey and drinking.
I love hockey. Or, more to the point, I love the Toronto Maple Leafs. Sports in general…not my thing. And if a hockey team ISN'T the Leafs, and it's not playoff time, I just can't be bothered.
So conversation with The Boys centered around a new announcement from the NHL that there were going to be some new expansion teams, including one in Minnesota (The Minnesota Wild).
Now keep in mind, even though I DON'T know a lot, I like to PRETEND I do. It's the sign of a great know-it-all.
"Minnesota!" I scoff. "Why? WHY MINNESOTA? The North Stars made it to the Stanley Cup Finals a few years ago, and they STILL couldn't get more than 5,000 people in the stands. What the hell are they going to do with ANOTHER team?"
I look around the table, waiting for grunts and belches of agreement, but they're just silent. They're staring at me as if they were expecting a cuckoo to pop out of my forehead on a little spring. Then, finally, my good friend Mick speaks up.
"Yeah, Naked," he drawls. "And attendance has REALLY been down ever since the team packed up and moved to DALLAS FOUR YEARS AGO!"
You might think that a half a dozen beer-swilling Canadians laughing and pointing at you is a pleasant experience. You'd be spectacularly wrong. Those bastards razz me about that to this day.
So there you go…three stupid things I've said. Mock me all you want. Hopefully this will be good for my karma. If not, well…
…I guess it just gives y'all more to laugh at me for.
You're welcome.
