October 17, 2004

I'm baaaaack!

Yes, yes, yes people. I am back. And about 80% healthy.

I had sent out an email to everyone on my email list explaining my lack of updates recently. If you're not on the list…then what's your problem, pal? Sheesh. Anyhoo, before you read any further, you should probably read the explanation HERE.

A lot has happened since then.

The day after Thanksgiving, I woke up with a total and complete lack of hearing in my left ear. This was accompanied by cold sweats, vomiting, trembling, and an honest feeling that I was about to die.

First, a note: I'm a hypochondriac. I'm aware of it. But this was BAD. So bad in fact that I called work, told them I wasn't coming in, and then called Morn to see if she could take me to the hospital.

Morn KNOWS I'm a hypochondriac, but she also knows the difference between me being melodramatic and genuinely feeling sick. She checked with her mother, who is a nurse. Her mother told her that it was just the antibiotics playing hell with me, and that I'd be fine. No hospital required, but I should probably just go and talk to Dr. Feelgood. Interesting side-note, Dr. Feelgood used to be THEIR doctor as well.

Made the emergency appointment and went down to Feelgood's office. I told him what happened, and he asked me, quite alarmed, "Why the hell didn't you go to the hospital?"

I explained that Morn's mother had said that it wasn't necessary, and he grimaced. "Well, she never liked you anyway," he replied.

It was an allergic reaction to the antibiotics that I'd been taking. This was a surprise, because I'd never had an allergy to them before. But whatever…he ordered me to take the rest of the week off work and start on these NEW antibiotics. For those of you keeping track, these were antibiotics #3.

And GUESS WHAT HAPPENED?

Allergic reaction #2!

This one wasn't quite as bad though. It simply resulted in hives from head to foot. Took an antihistamine, they cleared up.

So now, I'm slowly but surely recovering.

The hearing is slowly returning. Worst case scenario is that some of the loss is permanent. But it seems to be a little better every day, so I'm hopeful.

But I've learned something from all of this.

When Dr. Feelgood was examining me after reaction #2, he mentioned that I was pretty lucky…especially since I'd had 2 different drug allergies within a week.

"How lucky?"

"Well," he said, "You're here. If you were older, or in worse health, it could have been a lot worse."

On the way home, I started thinking. This isn't my only close call in recent years:

In 2000, I contracted a particularly nasty flu virus. It's a long story, but I spent a week in bed, thinking it was only 3 days. I had conversations that I don't recall to this day. I was so seriously dehydrated when I finally got to the hospital that the doctors told me I was about 12 hours from slipping into a coma. This same strain of the flu had been responsible for a lot of older people actually dying, so again, I was lucky. On the plus side, I lost 40 pounds in about 10 days…I've since FOUND those 40 pounds, plus about 20 more to go with them. But at the time, I was nice and thin. Lara Flynn Boyle would have been envious.

Seriously, honey, eat a fucking sandwich.

In 1999, I survived 2 serious drug overdoses within about a month of each other. They were depression-related overdoses - read between the lines - and the less said about it, the better.

Heck, when I was 17, I was inches away from being road pizza. I was on the back of a friend's motorcycle on a highway off-ramp. The car in front of us blew a tire, rammed into a guardrail, and started spinning in front of us. My quick-thinking friend GUNNED the engine, rather than hitting the brakes (which is what I was expecting). We flew by the wrecked car as it was flying into our lane, and as I watched (in slow motion) the careening wreckage missed the back tire of the bike by less than a foot. The cars BEHIND us all smashed into the wreckage…as we would have had my quick-thinking buddy hit the brakes instead.

Anyway, I was thinking about all these things on the way back from the doctor's office, and I started thinking that I have led a charmed life. Then I thought about all these near-death experiences, and it dawned on me…

I'M FUCKING INVINCIBLE!

I cannot, CANNOT be killed. It can't happen.

Well, I don't mind telling you, this has SERIOUSLY altered my outlook on life. After all, I'm like Bruce Willis in "Unbreakable"!!

So tonight, I'm going out in the rain to try and find me some crime to fight.

Tomorrow, I'm going bungee jumping. Naked.

Wednesday, I'm going to fly to North Korea to confront Kim Jong Il. I plan on slapping his bald forehead a lot and taunting him. "Hey…what are you gonna DO, nuclear boy? You gonna NUKE me? Huh? ARE YOU? Bring it on, bitch!"

It's a golden opportunity to do everything I've ever wanted to do. After all, what's the worst that can happen? I CAN'T DIE! I'M INVINCIBLE.

But before I do any of that, I'm going to take a bath. Of course, with my new-found invincibility, I'm going to do it a little DIFFERENTLY than usual…just for kicks.

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