August 08, 2004

The Idiots and the Lost Wallet.

I lost my fucking wallet today.

Now, I'm aware that this makes me an idiot. And you'll notice that the title of this little essay is "Idiots" plural. That's because I encountered the STUPIDEST person I've ever met whilst searching for it.

Here's what happened: I was walking down to the subway station, which is a nice, leisurely 15-20 minute walk from my apartment. The entire time I was talking on my mobile phone…first with my friend Chesty McHooters, whom I agreed to meet for lunch. Next, I called Johnny Pintauro, and firmed up plans to go to a barbeque later and watch some Mystery Science Theater 3000. Life was good.

Then I patted my pockets. "Oh FUCK MY ASS!" I screamed. Passersby turned to stare at me - including one who, I'm pretty sure, wanted to take me up on my offer. I was also still talking to Pintauro, who isn't really used to me screaming obscenities in his ear.

The wallet was GONE.

Fuck.

So, it's time to retrace my steps…looking down the entire time. I was muttering to myself too…which must have made me look at least 18% more insane than usual.

After retracing most of my steps, I was pretty mad. For starters, my fucking wallet was gone. But, more frustratingly, I'd now been walking for at least 45 minutes in total, which is about 44 minutes more exercise than I like to subject myself to in any given day.

I got to the plaza near my place and realized that I'd cut through the parking lot of the Liquor Store. It stood to reason that somebody might have found it in the parking lot and turned it in to them, so I went in.

I should note at this time that liquor stores in Ontario are all owned and operated by the provincial government. This, technically, means that all liquor store employees are civil servants. This also means that a disturbingly high percentage of them are overpaid, unionized, idiot savants. Much like the young blonde girl who greeted me. It was like trying to talk to Ursula from Mad About You.

LIQUOR GIRL: Can I help you?
NAKED CRITIC: Yeah…I lost my wallet…I think I dropped it outside. Did anyone turn it in?
LG: When did you lose it?
NC: At some point in the past hour.
LG: Oh, well, you see, we've only been open for a HALF hour.

Pause

NC: Okay, so nobody's turned it in, then?
LG: Like I said, we've only been open for a half hour.
NC: So?
LG: So if you lost it within the past hour…how could someone have returned it? We weren't open.

No…fuck…PLEASE…she can't be THIS dumb, can she?

NC: So no wallet then.
LG: I just TOLD YOU…we've only been open a half hour!
NC: Well, what if I dropped it in your parking lot an hour ago? Isn't it possible that it could have sat there, in the parking lot, until you opened? One of your customers might have found it and turned it in to you.

Now she looks at me. She blinks twice. Her little fucking pea-brain is about to explode after being faced with pure logic. She opens her mouth, and I think to myself, "If she says it again, I swear to God I'll either kill her or scream."

LG: But we've only been open a half hour.
NC: AAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!

Okay, I didn't scream…but God help me, I was ready to crack a bottle of Moet over her head.

NC: Let's make this simple, okay? Has anyone turned in a wallet AT ALL TODAY?
LG: No.
NC: Thank you.

I turned to leave, but on the way out, she helpfully called out to me:

LG: But keep in mind we've only been open a half hour!

How Bud Abbot never murdered Lou Costello in his sleep is a mystery to me.

And by the way, the wallet was right here on my computer desk where I left it this morning. I told you there was more than one idiot in this story. I'm just wondering which one of us is the bigger idiot.

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