July 28, 2004

I'm Not A Stripper...I'm A Critic!!

Before you say anything, I know, I know. I said I was taking a self-imposed hiatus from the site for a couple of weeks while I got my shit together. And I am, sort of.

But here's the thing…I came home tonight to Casa Naked and I realized I had a very important choice to make. I could either work on the site or do my dishes that have been piling up for a while now.

So, here I am.

Besides, I had a very interesting movie-related experience recently that I thought I'd share with you. I'm going to warn you in advance, this may sound like a plug…and I guess, in a sense, it is. Nobody said I wasn't a whore that could be easily bought.

The story begins thusly: In my position of Head Writer and Segment Producer of the show I work for, I deal with a lot of people. I review movies, DVDs, and video games for my show. And, in doing that, I've met a lot of PR-type people. Nice folks, to be sure. Every now and then, they have "events" that I get invited to (the San Francisco trip was one such event.) And, because they provide me with a lot of content for the show, it would be rude of me not to attend.

And so it came to pass that I had 2 such events booked for last night. One was a LAN party at the office of the PR company that handles the Xbox up here, and the other was a big event to celebrate the release of the "VIP Edition" of the Paul Verhoeven/Joe Eszterhas classic "Showgirls".

Now, the truth is that I wanted nothing more than to go home, curl up in the fetal position, and watch "Last Comic Standing" in the nude. But I felt an obligation to attend both of these events…both of these people/companies have been EXCEEDINGLY nice to me, and without getting into any details, I've pretty much reached my limit lately for bailing on people who've been exceedingly nice to me.

So I went. First up…the LAN party. Now, you may not be familiar with the concept of the LAN party, unless you have a propeller permanently attached to your head. Basically, a LAN party is when a bunch of gamers get together and network a bunch of computers or game consoles together so they can play against each other. It's actually a lot of fun, but on the "nerd" scale, it ranks just below shouting, "Check for traps!" every time you enter a room.

In this case, a bunch of video game writers and critics were getting together to play "Halo". Normally, I'd be on this like stink on a cab driver. But, when I got to their office, I suddenly remembered that I had to deal with The Amityville Elevator.

See, their office is located in the heart of downtown, in a building that must be at least 80 years old. And it's serviced by a very, VERY old elevator. It's not manual or anything, but it's damn close.

EVERY fucking time I go to their office, this satanic excuse for an elevator ATTACKS me. Usually, I wind up getting my fingers pinched in the grate, although I've had the big, heavy, manual door slam closed on me a lot too. I hate this damn thing.

Now, I know the question you're asking, and the answer is "They're on the 4th floor of the building." You'd think that because I'm a young, strapping lad, I could just walk up the stairs. And I COULD…but as the earlier image of my kitchen will attest, I'm a lazy, lazy man. Lazy enough to risk being attacked by the fucking Cujo of elevators instead of walking up 4 flights of stairs.

"Ah," I thought. "This time it will be different. I've dealt with the Amityville Elevator before. I'm wise to it's tricks. I've been here at least a half-dozen times…surely I can avoid any punishment it dishes out. I'm smarter than it."

Well, long story short, the motherfucker pinched my fingers TWICE and the door closed on me again.

The good news is that I managed to put that behind me long enough to play Halo for an hour or so, which was fun. The bad news is that I was teamed up with a 12-year-old kid who had to walk me through almost EVERYTHING we were doing. I'm not a very good "Halo" player. I also got to meet the 2 new contacts I have at the company face-to-face for the first time, which was cool. And, surprisingly enough, one of them is a very cute girl - which, in the world of video games, totally goes against type. So it wasn't a total loss.

But then I had to go…I was off to the "Showgirls" event.

I should probably preface this part of the story as well. It turns out that the good folks at MGM Home Video happen to KNOW what an unwatchable, train wreck of a movie "Showgirls" is. Most studios would bury a movie like that…but not MGM. It seems that with this "VIP Edition", they have EMBRACED the campy image of the movie and run with it. This is, to be honest, an AWESOME set.

You get the DVD, which features some very cool special features. The best of them is a "Lap Dance Tutorial". So ladies, if you've ever wanted to writhe in your man's lap like a cheap slut, this will teach you how to do it. Now, I don't want to tell secrets or anything, but I think I can say without a shadow of a doubt that he'll LOVE you for it.

But that's not all…you also get a "Pin The Pasties On The Showgirl" game. This includes a blindfold, a large poster of a topless Elizabeth Berkley, and suction cup pasties. I highly recommend this game, especially if you have little boys at home. After your next birthday party for the lad, all of his friends will be calling you the Best Parents Ever.

Bullseye!

On top of THAT, there's a bunch of games - essentially drinking games - that you can play while watching the movie. To aid in the fun, they include 2 shot glasses and a deck of cards, so you've got pretty much everything that you need.

All in all, this is a party in a box, and to be honest, it's priced pretty reasonably, too. So I highly recommend it.

So, it was on to the event…a free screening of the movie at a movie house downtown. To be honest, I was kind of dreading this, because…well, the movie is ass. There's no 2 ways about it. And I couldn't shake the knowledge that I was about to spend over 2 hours of my life watching it a second time.

Of course, the lovely and talented Mary Margaret, who set the whole thing up, worked her ASS off on this, so I couldn't let her down.

As it turned out, it was a hoot.

The entire event was hosted by 2 drag queens. They kicked the evening off by giving away copies of the box set to the first 5 people to come up on stage and do a strip tease…without actually getting naked, of course…after all, we were in public. Sadly, only one woman took them up on it, but 4 guys were willing to shake their moneymakers. It just goes to show, guys will do anything for free stuff.

The real girl is the one in the middle...as for the other two, hell, they're no slouches either.

And then, the surprise. We all got goodie bags full of props. As it turns out, "Showgirls" seems to have a fairly "Rocky Horror Picture Show" style cult following. We were given props and some intense instructions on what to do to maximize our enjoyment. Among the instructions were the following nuggets:

- Use your noisemaker every time Nomi hits, kicks, or maims someone (which happens about 75,349 times over the course of the movie)
- Squirt your water gun every time "satisfaction" is reached on screen
- Use your kazoo each time stripper "Mama" Bazoom flashes people with her mechanical dress
- Yell "Don't Do It!" to Hope every time she's on screen
- Yell "VER-SA-CHI" every time Nomi mispronounces the designer name

And so on, and so forth. This, of course, led to ALL KINDS of other, "unscripted" catcalling in the theatre. It had a real "Mystery Science Theater 3000" feel to it.

It was hysterical, and…it was my CHANCE! When I first saw this movie, years ago, I watched it with Morn and my friend Super-C. At a particular moment, Super-C came up with a wonderful, funny, and gross comment. Now was my chance to rip that comment off and share it with a theatre full of people.

The scene approached…if you've seen the movie, you'll never forget it. Nomi is dancing with James, they start making out, and he makes a beeline for her pants. (This, by the way, is after he's bought her lunch…don't worry, it will all make sense in a second…)

Nomi: I got my period.
James: Yeah right.
Nomi: Check.

And the sick bastard DOES, getting a nice finger full of…well, you know. It's disgusting. A few seconds later, Nomi leaves, and calls back "Thanks for the hamburgers!"

And I yelled out "Yeah, thanks for the KETCHUP!!!!"

Out of the hundred catcalls and comments all night, I can proudly say that I was the ONLY one that got BOOED. I rule.

So, overall, the event was a gas. Now, all I have to do is lure some people over here to have a "Showgirls Party". Games are mandatory…with any luck the one called "Sip Or Strip". But, since that doesn't really seem like it's in the cards, I'm probably just going to play "Pin The Pasties On The Showgirl" by myself for a while, and then bone up on my "Halo" skills. I've been social enough for one week.

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