July 16, 2004
No Easy Way To Say This…
But I have to get this out of the way…if you're looking for the funny, I'd skip this if I were you.
I am an alcoholic. A drunk. A boozehound.
This should come as a surprise to about 6 of you…likely 6 people that don't read the site very often, or that have never met me.
I also suffer from severe depression. I'm no doctor, but I'm sure that the two lead into each other quite nicely.
I used to drink a lot. After I got divorced back in 1998, it got worse. I don't think I spent a single night sober for about 8 months straight. I got better after that, largely because I was unemployed and had no money for booze.
In the past 2 and a half years, there have probably been about 25 nights total when I didn't consume any alcohol. I didn't get hammered, but I drank.
Lately, it's been worse. On weekends, I've been drinking almost constantly all day. Cracking a beer at 10am on a Saturday morning should have been a warning sign, I guess.
I have just spent 2 days home sick from work with some sort of stomach bug that has had be vomiting a fair bit. This, I can safely say, is not booze-related. But yesterday, the very clear thought DID go through my head "Man, I hope this clears up soon, so I can start drinking again.
It's about 6am. I've been up all night. Ever since I had that thought, The same thought has been going through my mind all night long: If I don't stop doing this to myself, I am going to die.
I don't want to go to AA. I know they do great work, and I know that they've saved probably millions of lives, but if I'm going to do this, I want to do it my way. Plus, I don't want to be the guy at the party who sips apple juice all night while staring longingly at a beer. I want to be able to ENJOY a drink or 2, on my terms.
But I've got to start somewhere. So I've made up my mind.
I will not touch an alcoholic beverage for the next 30 days. If I can do this, then I can beat pretty much anything. It will be the longest I've gone without a drink since I was about 15. I'm scared shitless.
Move along now…nothing more to see here. Just wish me luck.
