June 18, 2004
I Left My Heart In...
Ah yes, folks. It's true...the trip is over. But WHAT a trip.
First...no porn stars. Actually, that's not entirely true. I did meet a couple briefly, but they were on their way out, and I really didn't feel like pestering them for their pictures or anything. The poor dears looked wiped out when we got to the event. For all I know, they'd been "working" all day, and I know how draining that can be.
But first things first...I hate flying. And spending 5 1/2 hours on an airplane is NOT my idea of a good time. But, I made the most of it. I slept a good 25 minutes overall, and managed to ignore Disney's "Miracle", which was playing as our in-flight movie.
But hey...this whole thing was on someone else's dime, I should enjoy it...right?
Well, I didn't REALLY appreciate it until I got into town with Camera Pete and our on-camera talent. And that's when THIS was waiting for us.
Just look at that big, beautiful car. That's when I knew things were going to be okay.
The balcked-out person is a co-worker, who cannot be identified on this site for fear of my life.
It doesn't get better than this, my friends.
Of course, oddly enough, the inside of the limo seemed to be a little bigger than my room.
It doesn't look so bad, until you realize I took this from JUST INSIDE the door. This place was TINY. From what I could tell from the neighbourhood we were in, it was a roominghouse-flophouse before being bought and converted to a "hotel". Much like the Gladstone, for you Toronto readers. I wouldn't have complained, until I realized that Camera Pete's and Co-Worker's rooms were BIGGER then mine. Apparently, being in a "smoking" room means that I only get a half-sized room. Fuckers. (Interesting side-note, I smoked exactly ONE cigarette in this room through the entire trip. Yes...it was soooo worth it to get a smoking room...)
Anyhoo, we had a scant amount of time before we had to actually WORK, so co-worker took a nap, and Camera Pete and I went for a bit of a walk.
The good news is that the hotel was just on the edge of Union Square, which is well-regarded and a pretty nice place within San Francisco. The bad news is the OTHER edge we were on was the lip of the Tenderloin district, which is...well, let's just say it's not the most affluent part of town, and leave it at that. Again, for Toronto readers, it was like having a hotel on the border of the financial district and Parkdale. Yeah...guess which DIRECTION we opted to walk?
It's my fault, really. See, as far as I'm concerned, there is ONE place you have to visit while in San Francisco. Not the Golden Gate bridge...better...the O'Farrell Theatre!
For those of you not in the know, the O'Farrell is more or less the BIRTHPLACE of porn in America. The Mitchell Brothers were pioneers, who (if memory serves) bought the place in order to be able to show the porn movies they made, including the legendary "Behind The Green Door" among others. This is back in the golden age, when porn films had plot, production value, and more of a budget than 5 grand, a video camera, and a bunch of coke. In the 80s, after the home video boom, they turned it into a sort of strip club, which became (again, if memory serves) the first place in North America where you could get a lap dance. Hunter S. Thompson practically LIVED at the O'Farrell for a while, or so I'm told. It's really touching, and brings a tear to your eye, to be in such a hallowed place, with so much history. I'm tearing up just thinking about it. (An aside...although lifelong partners, Jim Mitchell brutally murdered his brother Artie in 1991. The movie "Rated X", starring Emilio Estevez and Charlie Sheen, tells this story.)
Of course, I got to see a few other things in the 30 seconds we had left to ourselves, including Chinatown. We stayed there for all of about 15 seconds, but at least we can say we visited.
Then, it was off to the event...where there were extreme wrestlers and porn stars. I really, REALLY wanted to hob-nob with ONE of those groups.
Alas, it was not to be (but don't tell Buceta that...) Instead of a "bunch" of Vivid girls, there was one, Sunrise Adams, who had to leave soon after getting there.
By the way, they're even BIGGER than they look here. Just an FYI.
Sadly, no pictures. So, in their place, I give you a picture of Adult Film Star Shane and me several years ago. It's not the same, but it's the best I can do, for all you folks who wanted to see some porn star pictures.
My finest moment.
However, I DID get to meet and interview a wrestler named "Major Guns". And, for the life of me, I can't imagine how she got the name. Maybe it's the camoflage.
Sadly, not all the wrestlers there were quite as comely as Ms. Guns. This picture didn't turn out as planned, but this is Mad Man Pondo and Supreme, What you WON'T see in this picture is the glint of pure and utter insanity in their eyes. These guys are NUTS. Absolutey, totally batshit insane.
How nuts? Well, over the course of the event, I saw the following:
Guys getting beaten with bare fists
Guys getting beaten with garbage cans and chairs
Guys being hit in the fucking HEAD wtih stop signs...real, hard, stop signs.
Guys being thrown, head first, into stacks of flourescent light bulbs
Guys being slammed onto tables which split in 2
One guy (a non-pro) being thrown out of the ring, missing the mat, and landing head-first on the concrete, knocking him completely unconscious before being revived and helped out by some very concerned security folks.
Guys being pummelled by knife-gloves and, in one case, a 2x4 wrapped in barbed wire
Guys jumping off buses to kick other guys in the head
And the kicker, a wrestling match fought on a mat covered in FUCKING THUMBTACKS.
I'm not kidding here. I saw more blood in one night than in the first 20 minutes of Saving Private Ryan. Only this was all REAL BLOOD. TRUST me on this.
Of course, I have no pictures of any of this. See, I was there in the capacity of "Producer". What this basically entailed was three things.
1) Holding our on-camera person's purse while she interviewed people
2) Getting the on-camera talent and Camera Pete beer during breaks in the action
3) Screaming "OH SNAP!" when carnage was taking place, and telling Camera Pete "Make sure you get a shot of that!" This usually happened LONG AFTER Camera Pete had caught the carnage on tape, and was busy tapiing the NEXT nasty thing to happen. See, Camera Pete is really good, has great reflexes, and is a professional. Whereas I'm pretty much fucking clueless and making it up as I go along. In my defence, I was hired as a writer, and not a producer, and I'm learning as I go. What helps is having guys like Camera Pete on my side who REALLY make me look good. I wish you could see the footage...it's hardcore.
But the people there, media and other, were SO into it! And, to be honest, so was I. I was watching this shit and enjoying myself like you wouldn't BELIEVE. These guys punished each other like nobody's business. And the most fucked up part of it (not to give away trade secrets) was that they were ALL so damned nice in person.
It was SO watchable, that I wound up charging the ring at the end of all of it. Take it from me...it was all REAL blood real glass, and real barbed wire.
The thumbtacks were all real, too. I found that out on my way to the airport, when on a hunch I checked the soles of my shoes, only to find about a DOZEN of them. Thank God I checked before going through the metal detector.
But amongst all of the fighting and carnage, there was music as well. For starters, there was Andrew WK. He was also the ring announcer for the wrestling, and pretty much spent the night screaming his head off into a microphone. Imagine my surprise when he turned out to be the nicest. friendliest guy in the place. To be fair, we'd interviewed him before, so he knew us (but not me) but he was just a really nice friggin' guy. And in this industry, trust me folks, nice friggin' guys are RARE.
Yes, believe it or not, that's a beer in my hand.
Also very cool were Insane Clown Posse. Now keep in mind, these are guys who describe themselves as "Loved by millions, hated by TENS of millions." Again, the nicest of guys you could imagine. Actually, for all I know, they're the 2 most violent, ignorant pricks to ever come out of Detroit...but they were REALLY nice to me. So there.
And these guys had a rough night, too. They went from the interview to the ring to performing. That's more work in 2 hours than I normally get done in a week. No wonder they're rich.
But yet, throughout all this, I managed to meet someone who I damn near idolize. I wasn't expecting it, but when I was in the booze line, waiting to get my first taste of the much-ballyhooed Vodka-And-Red-Bull, there he was.
Seanbaby.
You may not have ever heard of him, so let me explain: This guy writes a column in Electronic Gaming Monthly called "The Rest Of The Crap". Basically, he gets to review the shitty games that nobody else would touch with a ten-foot-pole. He does with bad video games what I do with bad movies...only he's funnier. On top of that, he's got his own site. Part of his site is a look at the "Superfriends", that horrific cartoon from our youth. His Superfriends pages could possibly be the one of the funniest things I've ever read on the Internet.
So meeting a fellow writer and critic that I admire...that was actually a pretty big deal for me. Fortunately, there was a really drunk guy on hand to take our picture.
Yup...another drink...
Seriously, check out his site...especially his Superfriends pages. Things don't get much funnier than this, folks. I'm also thinking of dyeing my hair funky colours like his as well...what do you think? Should I take the plunge? Or should I stick with the premature grey?
Overall, the "event" was incredible...if not a little scary. I don't think I'll be taking up hardcore wrestling any time soon. I'll stick to hardcore reviewing and hardcore drinking instead.
Well...back to the grind...
