June 05, 2004

You Asked For It, Pal…

I spent so much time thinking about my Renee, Avril, Amy, Elisha thoughts last night, that I didn't even get to take the piss out of Barnsey.

See, Barnsey was a cameraman for the Day Job show I work for. And last night, during his going-away party, he made reference to a certain segment that he used to shoot, that I write. He said "It's gonna suck now."

I jokingly said "I hope that's a reference to someone else shooting it, and not the writing."

He responded by saying "Of course. I fully expect the writing to live up to the benchmark of mediocrity that you've set for it."

You FUCKER.

Well, here we go…I've been sitting on this for a while, hoping not to embarrass you, Barnsey, but the gloves are off.

THIS is an anecdote that Barnsey told me months ago, that he BEGGED me not to put on my site. It's funny as hell, but it also involves the fact that Mrs. Barnsey could be a little nuts.

He tells me a few months ago that he rented "Johnny English". That's bad enough, of course, but then he justified by saying that Mrs. Barnsey asked him to rent it. Again, THAT'S bad enough, but he went on to explain WHY Mrs. Barnsey asked for that particular movie.

See, it's not that she WANTED to watch Rowan Atkinson's biggest embarrassment. It's actually because she sent him out to rent a movie with some very…ahem…interesting parameters.

1) The movie he rented HAD to involve a man in a Tuxedo.
2) The movie he rented HAD to involve a car
3) The cover of the DVD HAD to have NO MORE than 3 "Fs" on it. Not, I'm assuming, including any credits that appeared.

So, Barnsey went to the local video store, and picked up "Johnny English". He saw a man in a tux on the cover. He ASSUMED that it would have a car in it somewhere. And finally, on the cover was a critic's blurb that referred to the movie as "Fun, fun, fun!"

As much as I laugh, I think that story, and those parameters for renting a movie, is fucking hysterical.

Here's a challenge, readers: Using the talkback link below, or by emailing me, give me the three most insane parameters for renting a movie that you can find. The odder, the better. The oddest suggestion that I get - that I can MAKE work - will be the subject of an upcoming review.

Despite the fact that I think it's funny and cute, it doesn't change the fact that Barnsey had to sit through "Johnny English". And that's the FUNNIEST part of it!

Best of luck, Barnsey. Day Job isn't gonna be the same without you.

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