May 06 , 2004

Wacky Neighbors

You know, I've always wanted a wacky neighbor. A Kramer I could call my very own. They seem like so much FUN!

Well, guess what? They're not.

The day after moving in here, there's a knock at my door. It's the girl across the hall. She's kind of cute, in a white-trashy kind of way. I figure I could have done worse...after all, I could have wound up with a Marcy.

So, the first thing she says is "Hi. I'm Tammy. Can I have a smoke?"

Uhhh...sure. I give her one, despite the fact that I'm flat broke this week after moving into the new place. I figure, what are neighbors for, right? I give her one, and she explains "I normally get them from the girl in the other apartment, but she's not home.

Great...so she NEVER has cigarettes. Good to know. She also confides in me that she steals her cable, and she can "hook me up" if I want it. Considering I've got all these digital channels and a TiVo thingy that would then be rendered useless, I politely declined.

Of course, I've had NOTHING but trouble with my cable since moving in. First, the installer pulls a no-show. Then they neglect to remove some stupid filter from my line, which blocks a bunch of channels I'm paying for. This, essentially, means that I'm without The Daily Show and Family Guy, which are 2 of the only reasons I watch TV in the first place.

So finally, after pulling a SECOND no-show yesterday, the cable guy FINALLY shows up today, to remove a filter, which is something I COULD have done myself 3 days ago. But, while doing so, he discovers Tammy's little secret. Within 10 SECONDS of snipping her off, she charges into the hallway, eyes blazing.

"YOU JUST CUT OFF MY FUCKING CABLE!"

The Cable Guy shoots back "You don't have an account!"

"YES I DO!"

"No you don't."

"FUCK!" she screams, glaring at ME, like this is MY FAULT, and slams the door. The Cable Guy grins at me and says "I love this part of my job."

So after he leaves, she's still in the hall. Now, for some reason, I'm feeling slightly GUILTY as she glares at me. "Hey," I say. "Sorry...I didn't mean to fuck up your shit here..."

"It's fine." she says cooly, turning her back on me.

"It's just...I'm paying for all this stuff I'm not getting...and I didn't realize you'd get caught..."

"IT'S FINE!" she growls, slamming the door behind her.

So now, I'm messed up. I'm POSITIVE I haven't done anything wrong, and yet I've got a new neighbor who more or less thinks I'm the AntiChrist. What's wrong with this picture? On the plus side, I know she won't be bumming any more smokes from me, right?

Wrong. 2 minutes later, there's a knock at the door. There's Tammy, tears STREAMING down her face. "C-c-c-can I h-h-h-have a smoke p-p-p-please?"

"Uh, sure." I say, handing her one. She whips around, without so much as a thank you, and slams her door again.

Why can't I just have a normal, sane neighbor...like Larry?