March 14, 2004

Twins are hot...usually.

I suppose it was only a matter of time before this happened.

The Olsen Twins, previously known for being creepy babies, are now being sold as sex symbols.

FUCK, I'm old.

That thought you're thinking right now? You should be arrested for it.

Now, I'm well aware that they've been viewed as sex symbols for a number of years. Of course, the people who VIEW them that way are either adolescent or criminal. Possibly both.

But I'm guessing their billion-dollar empire, based on their wholesome, kid-next-door image, is pretty much in ruins. As far as tween role models go, they're has-beens. That bitch Hilary Duff is getting all their gigs.

So, now they have to make "New York Minute."

It's not so much that the movie looks lame...well, it DOES look pretty lame. No lamer than any of their other movies though.

What disturbs me is how the studio seems intent on selling these two 17 year old girls as sexy. That's just wrong. The least they could have done is wait until the girls are 18 - which, as my friend Eli Roth could tell you, is about 3 months from now.

But no. They're selling us Mary Kate and Ashley as young, sexy, blonde twins. SHAME on you, Warner Brothers!

Double your pleasure, double your fun, double your jail time.

Don't get me wrong...there's nothing wrong with young, or blonde, or sexy. And don't even get me STARTED on twins. But they're 17 years old, for the love of Mike! The LEAST they could have done is WAITED a few months.

As it is, right now this movie is going to attract 2 kinds of people in their audience. One is teen or tween girls, who will now have yet ANOTHER reason to think that whoring it up is a great way to get boys to like them.

The other kind is their fathers, who spend FAR too much time looking at the liner notes of their daughters Christina Aguilera CDs, claiming to be reading the lyrics to make sure they're appropriate. Of course, they take the liner notes into the bathroom with them, so they're not fooling anyone.

Let this be a warning to Miss Duff. Honey, you're 16. You've got exactly a year and a half left before the Hollywood Machine does this to you.

"Say Mary Kate...could you dive in here and look for our dignity?"

Meanwhile, the Olsens don't look like they're that far away from the jokes made about them...at this rate, they'll be doing their Playboy spread within a year. Thank God I only read it for the articles.

Oh, and as far as the movie goes, any film starring Jack Osbourne CAN'T be good.

14:59 and counting...