Zathura
Starring: Jonah Bobo, Josh Hutcherson
Directed by: Jon Favreau

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Rating: 3.5 (out of 5)

First, I should warn you about something. I plan on writing the title of this movie incorrectly throughout the course of this review. I plan on calling it Zanthura.

See, on this season's version of The Apprentice there was a contestant named Jennifer M. who was...well, dumb as a fucking post would be the accurate way of saying it. (And trust me, there is NO shortage of dullards this season...if these are America's best business minds, another Depression is on the way).

Her job was to design a float to promote the movie in the parade. And among the roughly 75 things she did wrong, she constantly referred to the movie in her presentation as Zanthura...right there in front of the people judging her. Idiot. Oh well, that's what happens when you're a former Beauty Pageant Queen trying to coast through life on your fading good looks.

Anyway, because of this vapid twat's repeated utterances of Zanthura, it's now stuck in my mind, like a mental block. I even TOLD people I was going to see a screening of Zanthura the other day. One looked at me like an idiot, the other chuckled and said "Ah, you watch The Apprentice too." Oddly enough, admitting to being an Apprentice fan was more embarrassing that someone thinking that I'm mildly retarded.

Hey, at least I'm only watching TRUMP's Apprentice, and not Martha Stewart's. That would be grounds for instant lobotomization.

Oh, and I might be secretly in love with Carolyn Kepcher. Don't tell anyone.

There she is...she scares me AND turns me on. What a combination!

Anyway, the movie opens with a character cleverly named "Dad" (Tim Robbins) playing catch with his oldest son Walter (Hutcherson). The kid has a pretty good arm...which means he'll probably be drafted by the Kansas City Royals next year. Then it's turn for the younger son Danny (Bobo) to play. He's...not so good. In fact, he throws like a 2-year-old girl (which is still better than me). This means that the Royals evidently drafted him LAST year.

Well, after a few minutes of fighting for Daddy's attention, Walter behaves like a dick. This results in little Danny CALLING him a dick. This, of course, is language completely inappropriate for a 6-year-old to be using. Then again, Dad doesn't really call him on it either. It was probably all he could do to keep from yelling "DANNY! Watch your mouth...and Walter, stop being a little dick!" I know I would have. This is probably why nobody I know wants me to be in charge of their children...a smart move if I do say so myself.

"Remember kids, Daddy has a gun, and he's not afraid to use it, okay?"

Anyway, poor Dad is really under the gun. He's taken time out of his day to play with his kids, when he really SHOULD be working. Of course, that isn't good enough for these selfish little shitheads. They wind up bickering and fighting until they wind up ruining part of his project. Now Dad apparently isn't one of those parents who's in favour of telling them to go cut themselves a switch, so he just talks sternly to them and buggers off to his office to get a replacement.

"Oh no! Dad TOLD us not to play with his intergalactic harpoon!"

He leaves them in the care of their big sister Lisa (Kristen Stewart). Essentially, her job is to be surly, sass-mouth her old man, and sleep all day, which is more or less the same thing I did at her age. So, instead of waking up and beating her brothers like she's SUPPOSED to, instead she rolls over and goes back to sleep. That's about the extent of what she adds to this movie.

An aside: she also walks around the house in a pair of skimpy little panties. Now don't get me wrong, I'm ALL FOR skimpy panties, but this actress is only FIFTEEN YEARS OLD. Maybe it's my age showing, or maybe it's the fact that I had no problem AT ALL with it when I assumed she was at least 18. But guys, really...we don't need gratuitous ass-shots of 15-year-olds in movies...ESPECIALLY when they're in skimpy panties. On the plus side, this movie should score high with the "creepy uncle" demographic.

Of COURSE she's cold...she doesn't have any goddamn pants on.

Anyway, Danny desperately wants his brother's attention. Why I don't know...Walter's a little shithead. At any rate, he pisses Walter off enough that he winds up locking Danny in the basement...a place the poor kid is PETRIFIED of. And that's when Danny finds Zanthura.

Basically, it's an old 50's style board game, run by a kind of clockwork device. It's actually pretty cool. Danny thinks so too, so he runs back upstairs and tries to get Walter to play it with him. He turns the key, moves a certain number of spaces. A card pops out that reads "Meteor Shower - Take Evasive Action". And that's when their house gets PUMMELLED with meteors.

The climax to Deep Impact 2 turned out to be far less exciting than the original.

It turns out that the game is MAGICAL, of course. Now their house is floating through space, and whatever happens on the game board happens to them in their makeshift Mir. Of course, they still have gas in the house, and despite the fact that their living room now looks like Swiss cheese, they have plenty of air to breathe and aren't being sucked into the vacuum of space. Hey, don't ask me...I didn't write it.

So they have to keep playing the game, hoping that when one of them wins by reaching the planet Zanthura, they'll be sent back home. The source of this logic is that the game's instructions say that all pieces reset at the end of the game. It's kind of lame logic, but hey, they're kids...when I was their age I thought it made logical sense to touch the exposed wiring on a table lamp. Twice...just to see if the same thing would happen the second time. The fact that I grew up to be an Apprentice fan makes more sense now, doesn't it?

If this sounds a lot like Jumanji, you're right. That's because it was written by the same guy...who apparently only had one book in him and decided to change minor details in order to make his subsequent books seem fresh and original. I've never seen Jumanji, but the people I talked to that had seen both all agree that Zanthura is much better, mostly because Robin Williams isn't in it.

Interesting trivia: Dax Shepard is the proud owner of the world's most complex bong, seen here.

If I were nine years old, this would be one of my favourite movies ever. Of course, I'm NOT nine anymore. But here's the thing...watching Zanthura made me wish I were nine all over again. Adult or not, that's GOTTA count for something.

Jon Favreau's last movie Elf was a great family picture, and so is Zanthura. He's really carving himself a nice niche as a director of quality family entertainment. I'm surprised...I never would have thought the guy who got famous with lines like, "That was so fucking money. That was like the Jedi mind-shit" would to the whole family thing. Shows what I know.

He does a great job, though. Small details are excellent, which is odd considering that huge details like the vacuum of space are ignored. The game itself LOOKS fantastic, as if it really could have come out of the 50s. When aliens cruise by in rocketships, they look like 50's sci-fi versions of rocket ships. When they turn on their jets, it's animated just like the UFOs in movies like the original War Of The Worlds. It's pretty trippy.

Hey, after being stranded in outer space for 15 years, when you gotta go, you gotta go.

Of course, it has to have these things going for it, because acting-wise, this isn't the strongest movie of the year. The kids aren't very strong, but then again they ARE just kids. Robbins is good, but he's only in it for a few minutes. Dax Shepard plays an astronaut and actually has some very funny and even sweet moments, but that's about it.

The character of the sister is more or less useless. She parades around in her panties for about half the movie, then seems to accept the crazy shit happening around her as if it happens every day. I didn't buy it...it's like the only reason she exists at all is to explain why these 2 little monsters don't have parental supervision. Oh, and also to give creepy old men a thrill with her panty-modeling.

"Look, we're never going to have time to play the game if you little turds keep arguing about who gets to be the race car."

But two things Zanthura has in spades is imagination and humour. The visual look of the movie, and even the concept itself, is great. Even adults are going to get a serious jolt of child-like wonder at the stuff they see. I equate it with some of the sci-fi movies I saw as a kid...I was just blown away by the sheer spectacle of it. I'm much more cynical and jaded now, but I really found myself flashing back to my own childhood. It was nice, mostly because it was the part of my childhood that didn't involve daily beatings and atomic wedgies at school.

If you want to treat the small-fry to an entertaining afternoon at the movies, this is the one to see right now. Just make sure they're not TOO young...kids younger than 7 or 8 might be a little too scared...especially when the lizard-aliens show up. Other than that, it's a solid family treat.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've this week's episode of The Apprentice TiVo'd and I don't want to put it off any more. I'm coming, Carolyn!!!!!

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