Land Of The Dead
Starring: Simon Baker, John Leguizamo
Directed by: George A. Romero

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Rating: 4 (out of 5)

As some of my journal readers may remember, I concocted a lame scheme to try and get myself cast in this movie as a zombie. It didn't work. I'm almost tempted to give this a bad review just out of spite, because at my core, I'm a small, petty little man.

But that wouldn't be fair. It's actually pretty damn good, especially if you like seeing zombies tear people open and eat them alive. And really, who amongst us DOESN'T like seeing that? That's my idea of a fantastic theme park attraction...plus, it would really solve a few problems for me. Let's just say that there are a few people that I would gladly offer up as Zombie Chow, and eat popcorn while watching. Besides, it's about time that Jim Belushi started entertaining people.

"Night creatures call and the dead start to walk in their masquerade..."

If you're not familiar with the original Romero trilogy, it consists of Night Of The Living Dead, Dawn Of The Dead, and Day Of The Dead. All three of them were grotesque horror masterpieces, but they were more than just typical blood-and-guts offerings. They also served up a lot of cutting social satire. They were horror movies for smart people.

Also, and I cannot stress this enough, this is NOT a sequel to last year's Dawn Of The Dead. I'm getting crazy hearing people say that it is. It ISN'T. It has NOTHING TO DO with the Sarah Polley - Ving Rhames version.

The movie opens "several years" after the events in the first three movies. Essentially, humanity is pretty much toast. Millions of slow-moving zombies populate the earth, with a comparative handful of actual people left over. We meet some of these plucky survivors, including Riley (Baker) doing reconnaissance. As he watches, he sees a bunch of the flesh eaters (known as "stenches" in this movie) amble about aimlessly...kind of like me before my first Diet Coke in the morning. A Gas-Station-Attendant Zombie (For some reason, called "Big Daddy" and played very well by Eugene Clark) responds to the "ding ding" at the pumps when a couple of other zombies walk over it. This makes him the Best Gas Station Attendant Ever. At the very least, he's better than the ones around here, who stand around playing pocket pool when you're clearly there for a fill up.

"Do you want me to check your brain...I mean oil? Check your 'oil' sir? Hey, where are you going?"

Well, Big Daddy realizes that the survivors are lurking, and he gives out a mighty Rebel Yell, only instead of crying "More more more" he pretty much just says "AGHAGAHGHAGAHHH!" The other nearby stenches react to this. According to Riley, this means that they're communicating with each other, and to be fair, the growl sounded more intelligible than a lot of foreign languages I've heard. Then again, I'm a White North American Man, so everything other than English confuses the hell out of me. Fucking zombies, man. They're in the country; can't they learn the fucking language?

Back in the walled-off-city, we also meet Cholo (Leguizamo), another rag-tag mercenary who appears to be doing some kind of dirty work. Then again, almost everybody here lives in abject poverty. I say almost because there's a dee-luxe apartment in the sky owned by a dude named Kaufman (Dennis Hopper). Here, the privileged few dine on the fine meals, drink the fine booze, and enjoy other comforts that the rest of the peons risk their lives looting for. So, the good news for all you rich, white folks is that even after the zombie apocalypse, things will remain A-OK. So hold on to your golf clubs, Chip!

"I don't care if you DID pay for dinner! No means no!"

Cholo and Riley engage in a little good-natured dick waving, where they both claim that night's looting run will be their last. Of course, neither one of them wants to explain why...hey, why SHARE your good fortune? Just let the rest of the filthy masses live in disease-ridden slums. Real heroes, both of them. Of course, Riley is the classier of the two, because a) he's white, b) he steals medicine for other poor people, and c) his best friend is a one-eyed sharpshooter named Charlie (Robert Joy) who happens to be a little...special. You know, in the "Olympic" sort of way.

Well, Cholo wants into Fiddler's Green. He's been doing Kaufman's dirty work long enough that he's saved up more than enough to afford one of these luxury condos. Alas, he's not smart enough to realize that everyone who lives there has significantly less pigment than his Latino heritage has blessed him with. So after that night's ill-fated (naturally) looting run, he tells Kaufman that he wants in. That's when Kaufman pretty much shrugs and says "Whatever, generic Hispanic stereotype." (I'm paraphrasing) and kicks him out.

"You're gonna pay for that 'generic Hispanic stereotype' remark, Internet-boy..."

Meanwhile, Riley's been saving too. But HE'S been saving for a car! It turns out he wants to go north to Canada (I guess the hero is too stupid to realize that he's filming the fucking movie IN Canada, but whatever). Yeah, Canada. To join Alec Baldwin and all those liberal Hollywood types who keep CLAIMING that they don't want to live under Bush, but never actually follow through.

An aside: Trust me here guys...there are plenty of zombies up here already. Mostly they just put lame, unfunny crap on our national television networks (Especially CBC, CTV, and The Comedy Network) and spend millions of dollars in advertising TELLING us how funny these shows are, despite the face that the collective nation hasn't laughed since Kids In The Hall went off the air. Seriously...you're looking at a country where even TOM FUCKING GREEN had to run to the US.

See what happens when you don't make enough Live 8 tickets available?

Anyhoo, Riley's car isn't waiting for him. So, the good news for all you crooked used-car dealers is that even after the zombie apocalypse, things will remain A-OK. He goes to some kind of gambling den of iniquity only to discover that the guy who ripped him off is (gasp) a CROOK! Riley, apparently, isn't smart enough to realize that a seedy midget who sells bootleg booze and carries on illegal gambling might not be the most reliable person to buy a car from. While he's there, he sees a Hot Chick named Slack (Asia Argento) thrown into a cage with two zombies. He helps rescue her, chaos ensues, and Riley, Slack, and Charlie all wind up in prison...which, I might add, is a step up from the shithole of a city that they all live in.

Meanwhile, Cholo is really pissed, further pushing the stereotype of Latinos as hotheaded. It seems that there's a souped-up RV with a bunch of guns and cannons and shit on it called "Dead Reckoning", which they use when they go looting. Well, good ol' Cholo steals the thing, further pushing the stereotype of Latinos as car thieves. At least I THINK it's a stereotype...Buceta has a Jaguar in his garage that I never see him drive. Personally, I think it's hot. Anyway, Cholo demands a bunch of cash, otherwise he's going to blow Fiddler's Green to smithereens. What he's going to DO with the cash is a mystery, considering that the rest of the world is a cesspool of zombies. But hey, this just starts a NEW stereotype of Latinos as violent extortionists who don't really list "excellent planning abilities" on their resume.

Holy shit. Those Pimp My Ride guys have really outdone themselves this time.

Coincidence time: As it turns out, Riley DESIGNED Dead Reckoning. So Kaufman gives Riley a deal: Get it back, and I'll help you get out of the country. Now, even a fucking zombie can realize that such a deal carries about as much legitimacy as a "Mission Accomplished" banner on an aircraft carrier, but hey, whatever moves the plot along.

Oh, remember Big Daddy? Well, he's smarter than your average zombie, and he's learning things and remembering things and all this other stuff. So he and a bunch of like-minded zombies are making a beeline for the city...and being walking corpses, you've GOTTA know that they're not showing up for a convention.

"Here's Johnny! And Fred, and Beth, and Jeff, and Steve, over there we have Eric...that's Lisa...oh hell, it's ALL of us!"

I'll be honest, this movie isn't without its share of problems, but I loved it anyway. My good friend Jerky (ABSOLUTELY NOT SAFE FOR WORK!) says it's one of the worst movies he's seen in over 15 years. Then again, I know Jerky pretty well, and happen to know for a fact that he just hasn't been the same since Katie Holmes got engaged, so I'm willing to forgive him this one.

Sure, it's not perfect. And I'll be honest, I think it's the worst of the series. But I've got such a hardcore, geek love for the original trilogy that I have to say that they're really tough to beat.

Are the zombies so bad for wanting to eat her? Because if that's the case, well call me Captain Undead!

The biggest disappointment, for me, was the gore. This is one of the nastiest, goriest movies that I've ever seen. Let this be a warning, actually: If you don't like gore, DON'T GO SEE THIS MOVIE!! I can't stress that enough...it's disgusting. Then again, so were the original three, but here's the difference: the original trilogy had no budget. In Night Of The Living Dead they had to shoot in black and white, with Hershey's chocolate syrup doubling (quite effectively) as blood. In Dawn and Day, the gore factor was amped way up, but it still looks cheap. That guy who has his head blown off? You can TELL that it's a bad papier mache head. But that's part of the FUN. You're grossed out, and at the same time you love the fact that it's as cheap as it is.

Well, this time Romero had a great budget. As a result, the gory stuff looked...well, better. I hate to admit it, but that really takes a lot of the fun out of it. The same goes for the actors. This time, he's got some real A-list talent. I kind of liked it better when it was all no-name talent whose acting skills...well, let's just say that none of them ever won any Oscars and leave it at that. For some reason, the fact that this one was slicker and more professional looking took away from some of the enjoyment.

"Hey man. Not for nothing, but I LOVED you in Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2!"

But to be honest, that's a minor nitpick. I thought that the story was excellent and moved along at a great pace. The performances were solid, especially Hopper. He's a little more subdued than he normally is, but I thought he seemed suitably evil. I personally love Leguizamo, so I liked his performance as well. As for the rest...they got the job done. There were a couple of neat cameos as well. Gore-effects-genius Tom Savini and Shaun Of The Dead star Simon Pegg showed up briefly, which the fans really loved.

The social satire is heavy handed, but you know what? It was heavy-handed in the other movies as well. I didn't mind at all. Plus, there's some stuff that happens toward the end of the movie that makes it all very satisfying. The very end was pretty damn cheesy, but I didn't mind that either. As for being scary...these movies were never about the big "BOO!" moment. They're matter of fact: This is what's happening, and this is how people are dealing with it. It's more of a general feeling of uneasiness that scaring you out of your pants, and this one did it almost as well as the rest of the series.

"You know what a love letter is? It's a bullet from a fucking gun, fucker!" (Too obscure?)

Keep in mind that, with the original Night Of The Living Dead, you have probably the best horror-movie-ending of all time. In Dawn Of The Dead, you have the best horror-movie-opening of all time (and the best music I might add). Day Of The Dead has the hands-down NASTIEST scene I've ever seen. Land Of The Dead doesn't eclipse any of these things...but I think it sits solidly with the rest of them. If you like this sort of thing, go see it.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go check on my car. I saw Buceta eyeballing it the other day, and I want to make sure it's still there.

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