Bewitched
Starring: Nicole Kidman, Will Ferrell
Directed by: Nora Ephron

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Rating: 1 (out of 5)

I don't know about you folks, but I grew up with my parents (and generally everyone who was older than me) telling me a few things:

1) Sure your nose is big, but you'll grow into it.
2) Only filthy little boys touch themselves down there.
3) That Reagan sure knows his foreign policy, I'll tell you what.
4) If you ever tell anyone what just happened, I'll cut you.
5) Heavy metal music like Ozzy Osbourne and Motley Crue is the work of the devil. So is Dungeons and Dragons.
6) (and this is kind of my point) Television is a vast cultural wasteland of complete and utter shit, worthy only of contempt, which is contributing to the dumbing down of society. Film, on the other hand, is capable of pure art.

It took me 2 hours of "Nicole Kidman's Pussy" jokes before I decided to take the high road. And yet, it will still get me traffic.

For the most part, I used to think that people were right about that last one. After all, while TV was giving me Laverne and Shirley, film was giving me Annie Hall. TV would give me Gilligan's Island, and movies would give me Some Like It Hot. Most importantly, TV would give me Three's Company, and movies would occasionally give me real, honest-to-God titties.

Well, here we are, many years later...and you know what? The trend has reversed itself. TV will give us gems like The Sopranos and Six Feet Under, which are better than most movies could ever aspire to be. I personally think that Dead Like Me and Denis Leary's Rescue Me could be two of the very best television shows ever made. People have taken a medium that used to be derisively referred to as "The Idiot Box" and are using it to make some of the smartest entertainment you'll find anywhere. Scrubs, and The Daily Show are must-see TV in my house. And while watching Entourage the other night, I saw one of the most perfect sets of titties that I've ever seen.

Will Ferrell's little-seen audition for the lead in "Hellboy". He just didn't get the character.

Meanwhile, I go to the movies, and what do I see? BIG SCREEN FUCKING REMAKES OF TELEVISION SHOWS. This year alone, we've already been subjected to The Honeymooners, and we still have The Dukes of Hazzard coming up, for the love of fuck. I CANNOT be the only person that sees this trend! Sweet menstruating Christ, I just CAN'T.

Which is why just THINKING about the big screen adaptation of Bewitched fills me with sadness, anger, pity, and all-around hopelessness. I just want to go out onto my balcony and scream at the top of my lungs, "WHY? WHHYYYYYYYYYY?" at the top of my lungs until I'm hoarse. In fact, I think I'll do just that. One moment please.

Hmmm. Interesting. According to the nice gentleman in the other building, it's because he fucked my mother. I'm not exactly sure what that has to do with anything, but I'll be sure to ask the old girl the next time she calls.

Will Ferrell celebrates after winning the Nokia Brier (It's a Canadian joke...)

I'll keep this brief, just because it really doesn't deserve the few words I've already ascribed to it: As the movie opens, we meet Isabel (Kidman). As we watch, we see her use witchcraft to basically bamboozle her way into a nice, rent-free Los Angeles home. That's right, she's a witch...but not the warty-nosed, eye-of-newt kind. Instead, she's the cute, perky, naïve kind with an ass that just simply WILL NOT quit. She's determined to give up witchcraft for good, despite the fact that her father (Michael "Any Script Will Do" Caine) thinks that living amongst us Muggles is beneath her. Then of course, she keeps casting spells (usually to screw honest, hard-working people out of money) and saying "That's the last time."

An aside: I cannot catch continuity errors to save my life. Normally, I need to have them pointed out to me. Plus, Nora Ephron is an experienced director with many great movies to her credit. So, in the scene where Kidman and Caine are in the diner, when that stack of fucking toast is going up and down in between shots like Oprah's weight, SOMEONE had to notice it. I mean, I'm HOPELESS, and I saw it. Either I have the eyes of a hawk, or NOBODY IN THE ENTIRE POST-PRODUCTION PROCESS SPOTTED THE MOST GLARING CONTINUITY ERROR IN HISTORY. I mean, these people get paid a lot of money. They either didn't see it, saw it and assumed that we were all too dumb to notice, or just didn't give a rat's ass. I want to believe that they just didn't care, but at the same time, anyone paying $10 to see this piece of shit can't be all there in the "mental faculties" area.

"You mean THIS is the movie we've been working on for the past 6 weeks? NOOOO!!!!!"

Meanwhile, Will Ferrell goes wildly against type and plays an obnoxious tool of an actor named Jack. Man, what a stretch. After some movie he did tanks horrifically (like, say, Kicking And Screaming maybe?) he's forced do take a lame sitcom remake in order to salvage his career. That lame sitcom? Bewitched. Oh wait, it gets better.

He wants an unknown to play the part of Samantha, because that way she won't steal his thunder. That's when he sees Isabel in a local bookstore. She wiggles her nose, and it's the most adorable thing he's ever seen. So he convinces this girl, who's never acted before, to read for the role of Samantha! GET IT! She'll play the part of a witch who is trying to give up being a witch...and that's exactly what she IS! Oh, the irony! Oh, the coincidence! Oh, my lunch.

That's really all there is to this movie. I mean, that's fucking IT. Okay, they make the show, and for some ungodly reason the very likable and sweet Isabel is drawn to and falls in love with Jack, even though he acts like a bigger jackass than Tom Cruise lately. Also, her dad keeps interfering, yet he's strangely drawn to an older actress named Iris (Shirley MacLaine) who I THINK is secretly a witch herself, but by that point there was no possible way I could have cared less.

I'll never understand why drag queens don't worship this woman the way they do Cher.

There is honestly only one positive thing I can say about this movie. Actually, two: firstly, it eventually ends. But on a slightly more optimistic note, Kidman is actually a lot of fun to watch here. She's cute and perky and charming and actually quite likable. However, the fact that she's gone from Moulin Rouge and The Hours to THIS crap in just a couple of short years is enough to make baby Jeebus cry. This is the worst mistake she's made since she said "Hmmm...Scienology, eh? Sounds both interesting and believable. I'm in!"

The rest of it is pure, grade-A shit. Not even that good kind that you can use to fertilize your garden with. That stuff is chock-full of nutrients. No, this is just a corn-ridden turd.

"THIS is the script? You want me to read THIS? I'M A FUCKING OSCAR-WINNER!"

For starters, I'm sure that SOMEBODY thought the whole "Witch trying to give up being a witch actually stars in 'Bewitched'" angle was witty and original. That person should never be allowed to make a decision again. Seriously, if you're ever out at a restaurant with that person, be sure to order FOR them, will you? Then stab them in the heart with a bread knife. Thanks. I owe you one.

Also, this is supposed to be a COMEDY, right? Shouldn't that mean there are some LAUGHS in the movie? Nothing. Nada. Not one single, solitary chuckle. The screening I was at was as quiet as a memorial service attended entirely by deaf-mutes. Plus, script writers Delia and Nora Ephron include what is one of the most intelligence-insulting scenes I've ever seen: at one point, we're subjected by a full 10 minutes of unfunny antics by Jack after Isabel casts a spell. Then, after 10 minutes of this shit, Isabel decides it's not the right thing to do, and REWINDS THE MOVIE. That's right, she rewinds the fucking MOVIE and starts over, making the previous 10 minutes of garbage MEANINGLESS. The only way this could be lamer is if someone had woken up at the end of the movie and said "Wow! It was all a dream! None of that actually happened!" Pitiful.

"I'm with Kidman. This is total shit. I'm gonna need another million."

As for the rest of the cast, this movie reminded me of everything I've ever hated about Will Ferrell. Before Elf, I was convinced he was the unfunniest Saturday Night Live veteran since Joe Piscopo. Then Elf, Anchorman, and a couple of other movies changed my mind. Well, Bewitched has undone all of that. I wanted to cause him bodily harm. Hannibal Lecter would have made a more believable romantic lead in this movie. Either that, or we're supposed to believe that witches are retarded, I guess. Taking this role is the worst mistake he's made since he looked at an SNL script and said "Wow...spastic cheerleaders? That's comedy GOLD! I'm in!"

The more I think about it, the less there is about this movie that was any good. I should probably quit before I wind up ripping my hair out.

Shirley MacLaine gets ready to pull the ol' Moe Howard on an unsuspecting Kidman. This is probably why Kidman didn't get a chance to read the script in advance.

I'm sick and tired of seeing all these idiotic religious groups picketing Harry Potter, and burning the books, and boycotting the movies...you know...all that shit. Yet, not ONE of these mental midgets is boycotting Bewitched. They should. Not only does it also deal with witchcraft, but I'm pretty sure that sitting through it will make your child dumber.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to watch my A-Team DVDs. You know, not ALL classic TV was bad. "Murdoch, you crazy fool! I ain't gettin' in no plane!" HA! Classic stuff.

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