The Longest Yard
Starring: Adam Sandler, Chris Rock
Directed by: Peter Segal

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Rating: 3.5 (out of 5)

In the interest of full disclosure, let me just say this: I have never seen the original The Longest Yard, except for catching the final 5 minutes on a cable channel. Keep in mind that, by admitting this fact, I'm opening myself up to two things:

1) Cries of "Hack!" from some of you who like to bust my nuts for not being completely informed. ("YOU DIDN'T READ BE COOL?? HOW CAN YOU DO A REVIEW OF THE MOVIE IF YOU HAVEN'T READ THE BOOK YOU LOOSER HAHAHA PWNED!")
2) Getting slapped by Burt Reynolds.

If you're not a gossip-monger, recently Burt was caught on video hauling off and clocked a reporter for admitting that he hadn't seen the 1974 version of the movie. Although, to be fair, I'm pretty sure I could take him if it came right down to it. I'd just yank that ridiculous rug off his head and play keep-away for a while. And I wouldn't feel bad about it, because let's face it, Burt Reynolds is an asshole.

Of course, I plan on watching the original later on today...just in case.

I'm a little disturbed by the fact that I'm starting to look forward to seeing Adam Sandler in movies. About ten years ago, I witnessed him talking like a retard and pretending to make shampoo and conditioner bottles fight in Billy Madison, and I decided that I wanted him to die an ugly death. Now I'm a bit of a fan. I guess all that drinking did damage my brain.

But hell, I enjoyed The Longest Yard quite a bit. Before my credibility gets attacked, I'm also one of the only people alive that enjoyed White Chicks, so I think it's safe to say that I'm really not much of a critic.

"Boy, he's got THAT right."

As the movie opens, Lana (Courtney Cox-Arquette-Taylor-Fortensky-Gabor-Boutros-Boutros-Gali) is throwing a huge party. One that, apparently, is being attended by every gay man in Texas. (And, considering that this is Texas, I assume they bussed some in from neighbouring states) I'm not kidding...there's more gay at this shindig than Elton John's post-Oscar party. I'm pretty sure that the food table includes a choice of three dips...onion, bean, and gay.

Paul Crewe (Sandler) is holed away upstairs, drunk on beer and watching football. Because, you know, he's a REAL man. Lana comes upstairs and berates him for not mingling with Texas' answer to the Pride parade downstairs. (Did I mention that the party was really gay?) Being a sensitive, new-age kind of guy, Paul responds by locking her in her closet, something that she doesn't really respond to all that well, even though it means she's away from David Arquette, which in my books is a definite plus. Then he takes her Bentley and goes tooling around town in it, pissed to the gills. Because, you know, drunk drivers are HILARIOUS.

This little stunt lands Paul in the clink, the hoosegow, the slammer, the grey-bar hotel. See, a few years previous, he'd been an all-star NFL player who'd been convicted of point-shaving and throwing games. I'm willing to suspend disbelief here, even though Adam Sandler is clearly no athlete. He makes Doug Flutie look like William "Refrigerator" Perry. Anyway, he'd been given a suspended sentence, and I guess driving around nearly killing people while drunker than Tara Reid at Mardi Gras constitutes a parole violation.

"Welcome to the Texas Prison System. We're here for all of your 'beating the shit out of you' needs. If it's sodomy you're looking for, please see your cellmate."

Now, this being a prison in Texas, he's immediately greeted by a guard that beats the living shit out of him. He's getting off lucky though...this IS Texas after all. If the judge had seen Billy Madison, he'd have been mistaken for being retarded and executed before lunch. Then he meets Warden Hazen (James Cromwell), who had pulled strings to get him there. The Warden has an all-guard football team, and he's hoping that Paul will give them some pointers so that they don't suck.

Thanks to the "coaxing" of head guard Knauer (William Fichtner), Paul initially declines. By coaxing, of course, I mean Paul gets the crap beaten out of him. But THEN, after he says no, the Warden orders Knauer to beat the crap out of him AGAIN, so he has to relent. Well, that's the Texas penal system for you. Paul suggests that the guards play a warm up game against an easily-beatable team to get their spirits up before the season starts. Hence, the convict team is born.

An aside: maybe it's just me, but only an absolute moron would think this is a good idea. Why would you allow a bunch of murderers and assorted ne'er-do-wells a forum to attempt to injure the guards who beat them constantly? That's like getting Michael Jackson to host the next big Boy Scout Jamboree at the Neverland Ranch. Obviously, this warden lacks the cranial capacity that God gave your average radish.

I have no jokes to make about these 2 big bruisers. If YOU want to take a stab at it, be my guest. I'll send flowers to your family.

So, with the help of his jail-buddy Caretaker (Chris Rock), Paul assembles a rag-tag bunch of cons to take on the guards. And, shock of shocks, after a while, they turn into a decent team! They're like the Bad News Bears, if the Bears were killers who liked to shank each other and had a penchant for jailhouse buggery. Fortunately, Burt Reynolds is also there as convict and former football great Nate Scarborough...whom the warden never thought to ask for help. But remember, the warden is dumber than Jessica Simpson's stool, so it makes perfect sense.

I've always had a soft spot for sports-underdog movies, so this one was right up my alley. Hell, I got weepy at the end of Cool Runnings, so when it comes to this subject material, I'm an easy touch. As a result, even with horrific logic I still managed to get a real kick out of this movie.

A big part of it is the casting. Sandler...well, he's decent. He's likable enough as Crewe to make you want to see him succeed. Chris Rock is good, but since this movie plays to his strengths, (Loud Outspoken Black Guy) it's not as surprising as you might think. Meanwhile, Burt Reynolds turns in every smarmy Burt Reynolds performance you've seen since Deliverance.

"Welcome back from the land of mediocrity Burt. Please don't slap me."

Where the movie REALLY worked for me is with the casting of some of the minor characters...especially the cons. Not only are these guys big and mean-looking, but for the most part they're funny as hell. Two guys worth mentioning are Bob Sapp and Terry Crews. Sapp is a former sumo wrestler playing a guy named Switowski. Basically, he's the Michael Clarke Duncan role from The Green Mile, only more blissfully dim and naïve. Every SINGLE time this guy was on screen, he cracked me up. The same goes for Terry Crews as a con named Cheeseburger Eddy. I thought he was hilarious in White Chicks, and he's just as funny here.

I was also surprised by rapper Nelly. He actually has a decent-sized role, and he plays it well. One scene in particular, where some guards are pulling out all the stops to provoke him, stands out as one of the film's more memorable moments. Interesting side-note: the last time I saw Nelly anywhere, he told me that it was hot in here, and to take off all my clothes. I'm sorry to report that the rest of the crowd at The Longest Yard didn't get the reference and forced me - quite rudely - to put my pants back on. Fascists.

On the down side, we have the utterly retarded logic behind the whole convict team idea in the first place. Tracy Morgan completely embarrasses himself as a gay transvestite prisoner. I'm not kidding...every time him and the rest of the "gay" prisoners were on screen, the whole movie just ground to an unfunny halt. That is, of course, unless you like cheap stereotypical gay jokes. On the other hand, considering the number of cheap stereotypical gay jokes I made earlier in this review, I really have no right to complain. Even still, at times, the only way this movie could be more mocking of gay people is if Sandler screamed "FAG!" into the camera for 10 minutes.

"Oh, look at us! We're pretending to be gay! Aren't we edgy and hilarious?"

There is one sort-of twist to the movie, that involves something very, very bad happening to one of the cons. I won't spoil it, but I will say that I didn't see it coming. I'm torn on whether it was absolutely necessary though. On one hand, it adds a sense of drama to the proceedings. On the other hand, it brought me down just a little too much. Plus, the movie itself has to sort of work itself around the awkward timing of it. I liked it, plot-wise, but I think they handled it in a sloppy manner.

Other than that, I have to say that I really enjoyed this one, even though I probably shouldn't have. It's a nice, fun little movie that's good for some harmless laughs.

Now, if you'll excuse me, one of the Superstations is playing Cool Runnings again, and I have to stock up on some tissue before it starts.

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