Batman Begins
Starring: Christian Bale, Michael Caine
Directed by: Christopher Nolan

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Rating: 0 (out of 5)

Fine, call me a comic book nerd if you want, but I had so many problems with this cinematic abomination, I don't know where to begin. For starters, let me just say that director Christopher Nolan doesn't deserve to lick the santorum left over after a Joel Schumacher/Tim Burton all-anal tryst. If you want me to be specific, let's start with the following:

- Ra's Al Ghul is SUPPOSED to be Arabic, or at least Middle-Eastern. The name means "The Demon's Head" in Arabic.
- Batman's mask is clearly crooked in many scenes.
- Morgan Freeman is WAY too young to play Lucius Fox, as depicted in the classic Batman: The Animated Series.
- The Wayne family was gunned down after a screening of The Mask Of Zorro, NOT some faggoty opera.
- Bruce Wayne was inspired to "become a bat" by seeing one out his window. NOT by falling into a stupid well

- Batman became Batman in 1939 (Detective Comics #27) over 30 years before the introduction of Ra's Al Ghul in 1971 (Batman #232). He certainly couldn't have TRAINED him.
- This Bat Suit has NO NIPPLES or CODPIECE on it...

My bad...it looks like there ARE nipples in this movie after all.

Oh geez...I can't do this to you people. I really can't.

ACTUAL RATING: 4.5 (out of 5)

See, I don't know what's worse for my so-called reputation...pretending to hate this, or admitting the fact that until about 5 minutes ago, I was going to give this movie my first-ever 5/5 rating.

That's right...5/5. I've gone on record with a bunch of people by saying that for me to rate something as a perfect 5/5, I would have to consider it "life changing". I SHOULD have given Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind a 5. I also really, REALLY want to give this one the same rating. Yes, I liked it that much. Christian Bale is the best Batman/Bruce Wayne ever, and in fact, I consider this movie better that the previous 4 Batman movies combined. And I LOVED Tim Burton's Batman. The second was ok, and the third and fourth (the Schumacher films) were the cinematic equivalent of a used colostomy bag, so I guess that's not a huge statement.

Aw, poor Bats...he's half the man he used to be.

But, whatever. I loved this movie. It is the best time I've had at the movies in more years than I care to mention. It has some minor flaws, so I can't in good conscience call it a perfect 5, but DAMN I want to...personal bias be damned.

Speaking of the last 4 Batman movies...forget them. They don't exist. In the world of this film, they never, ever happened. They aren't GOING to happen. It's all new, all Batty goodness. Don't even get me started on the shitty 60's series.

The first hour or so of the movie is told out of sequence, by the way...so don't expect this to be the regular sort of play-by-play that I do. It's part of the sheer brilliance of the movie.

Hey Bruce...next time you vacation, might I suggest someplace a little more tropical?

Bruce Wayne (later to be played by Christian Bale) is a young, rich boy who, one day while playing with his friend Rachel (later to be played by Katie Holmes) falls into a well. This underground cave is populated by bats...tons of them. They scare the living shit out of the poor kid...and rightly so. They're filthy little creatures. When Morn and I buy a house, she says she wants to put a bat feeder up. I've told her in no uncertain terms that I refuse to live in any house that attracts the little bastards. I hate bats more than I hate Jim Belushi...and God knows I hate Jim Belushi.

Soon afterwards, his father (Linus Roache) rescues him. This teaches Bruce some valuable lessons, but we won't get into that here.

Yes, his parents are killed by a mugger. But it isn't a softly-shot Jack Nicholson this time. It's just a garden-variety thug with the horrible moniker Joe Chill (Richard Brake). I won't lie...if my name was Joe Chill, I'd be shooting rich white folks and stealing their stuff as well, just out of spite. Anyone who says different is a filthy liar, and I hate them.

"Ah great...they're getting guano all OVER this suit, and I just had it cleaned!"

Years later, Chill is released on early parole because he promises to rat out Gotham City's crime lord Carmine Falcone (Tom Wilkinson). Let's just say this...Falcone doesn't get ratted out, and Bruce doesn't get his revenge. This lights a fire under Bruce's ass, and he pretty much disappears for a while so he can learn to make a difference.

That difference is learning to beat the living shit out of criminals. He starts by fighting goons in a foreign prison (which may be Nepalese, but I'm an ignorant white guy, so who knows?) six at a time. He's "rescued" by Henri Ducard (Liam Neeson) who recruits him into a top secret society of ninjas and assassins led by Ra's Al Ghul (Ken Watanabe). This is where he learns his "mad skillz", as the kids like to say. By the way, this mostly happens in the movie before you find out about the other stuff mentioned above. I told you it was flashback-heavy.

Bruce Wayne and Henri Ducard practice the ancient ninjitsu art of the staring contest. This scene lasts about 45 minutes.

When Bruce finally gets back to Gotham City, he's got exactly one friend and ally, his butler Alfred (Caine). The company he "owns" is being run by a douchebag named Earle (Rutger Hauer) who has "plans" for the organization and pretty much buys him out. That's fine with Bruce, who has bigger fish to fry...and wants to do it dressed in rubber and wearing a mask. As, you know, we all secretly want to do. With the help of an R&D type named Lucius (Morgan Freeman), he assembles some equipment to take on the bad guys. So, to answer the age-old (1989) question posited by Jack Nicholson "Where does he get such wonderful toys?" the answer is "from an older black Oscar winner". Which was my guess all along.

Oh, and then he takes on Falcone and a new, mysterious villain who calls himself "The Scarecrow" (Cillian Murphy), and all hell breaks loose, and plenty of bad guys get beat up, etc etc etc.

"So, is the rocket launcher here standard, or do I have to pay extra?"

As many good things as I say about this movie, it just feels like it's not enough. I loved it...I loved every single frame of the movie, even the stuff that was flawed. I want to see it again right now. I'd pay to see it again this very second, except for the fact that theatres aren't open at 4:10 am. Which, I might add, is their own fault.

Fine, I'll say it. Batman Begins is the best and smartest superhero movie EVER MADE. Period.

The script and story are smarter than any of the other Batman movies...but again, other than the first Tim Burton version, that's not saying all that much. There is just so much that works for me.

"I've been cursed with this darned combination skin! What can I do?"

A lot of it works on this weird geek level for me. For example...YES, Batman's mask is crooked a lot of the time. His "weapons" are largely crude...you see him MAKING them on a metal grinder, and while they look cool, they're still obviously homemade. I loved that.

The villains - especially Murphy's Scarecrow, don't look like villains. He actually LOOKS like a delusional "regular guy"...someone you'd pass on the street and not even think twice. He's not menacing, he's not a big, bruising guy...he's a skinny nerd who takes things too far in order to try and meet a ridiculous goal that would give him the kind of power he'd never have in real life. I loved that.

Here's our villian, ladies and gentlemen...fresh from Adams College, where he was part of the Lambda Lambda Lambda fraternity.

Bale as Batman is a deeply flawed character who, to be honest, spends most of the movie wanting to do the right things for the wrong reasons. I loved that.

His "best friend" and kinda-sorta love interest is Rachel Dawes (Katie Holmes). They have the same ultimate goal, but go about it differently, and that sours their relationship. I loved that. Plus, the supposed future Mrs. Tom Cruise sports hard nipples a lot. I REALLY loved that.

Alfred is a friend, mentor, servant, and protector all in one, who never shies away from telling Bruce/Batman that he's being a bit of a dick. I loved that.

"Gee, thanks for making sure that the place retained that wonderful 'abandoned shithole' ambience, Alfred ol' buddy."

In fact, none of the fantastic actors in this movie phone in their performance. By my count, we have 2 Oscar winners (Freeman and Caine) and another 3 Oscar nominees (Watanabe, Neeson, and Wilkinson) in this thing, and they give it their all. Not to mention the fact that Gary Oldman (Sgt. Jim Gordon) SHOULD be an Oscar winner, but for some reason has never been nominated. Okay, Holmes has some fairly weak moments...but overall, it's expertly acted by everyone. I loved that.

There are twists. Unexpected things happen. I loved that.

Bale is better than Michael Keaton, Val Kilmer, and George Clooney could EVER be. I loved that.

I could name about a hundred other things that I loved, but many of them would spoil the movie. My absolute favourite comes when a Certain Bad Guy realizes that he's about to be Certainly Defeated, and very possibly Certainly Killed. He doesn't give a comic-book reaction. He doesn't give out a cheesy Darth Vader "NOOOOOOOOO!". He closes his eyes, rather serenely, and kind of internally admits to himself that he's just been beaten. It's the kind of thing that you NEVER see in movies like this...and I really, REALLY loved that.

"Don't look, kid! It's a Scientology centre! Avert your eyes!"

The movie's denouement is pretty anticlimactic and leaves some major plot points unresolved. Holmes is good at times, but terrible at times as well. Many people will find that at about 2 hours and 20 minutes, it's too long (I disagree, but that's just me.) I'm sorry, but try as I might, these are the only negative things I can say.

Look, I really am a comic nerd. As a comic nerd, I'm hardwired to like this movie more than a lot of other people. The chances are that if you're NOT a comic nerd, you won't like this as much as I did. But you know what? My site, my column, and my opinion. In the immortal words of that noted thinker and philosopher Rene Descartes, "Tough shit, beeyatch."

"Oh man, I'm SOOO gonna crap on that guy's windshield!"

In terms of respecting the source material, delivering solid action, decent drama, and great laughs, and being a great comic-based motion picture...I just don't think it gets any better than this.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I do believe that I've just soiled my Batman Underoos with a spontaneous eruption of my seed.

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