xXx: State Of The Union
Starring: Ice Cube, Samuel L. Jackson
Directed by: Lee Tamahori

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Rating: 2.5 (out of 5)

In the interest of full disclosure, I should probably mention that I've never seen the original xXx. In my defense, I really WANTED to watch it before the sequel came out. It would have given me something to compare it to. But I just couldn't.

Let me put it to you this way: Go to your kitchen and turn on one of your stove's burners. Let it heat up until it's nice and red. Then, try and will yourself to put your testicles (or breasts, if you're a woman) on that red-hot coil and hold them there for two solid hours. You won't be able to do it. "That's madness," you're probably thinking. Well, of course it's madness. That's pretty much exactly how I feel about Vin Diesel movies. (By the way, just for the record, I can't go longer than 17 minutes with my testicles on the burner. Usually at that point the pain gets too unbearable, and my neighbour starts cooking something delicious-smelling and I get distracted. Funny thing...she always claims NOT to be cooking. Weird.)

All I really know is that xXx starred Diesel as some kind of extreme-sports secret-agent, and that a lot of stuff blew up. Even typing that sentence alone is having a detrimental effect on my IQ, and y'all know I don't have too many points to spare.

Wow, if his gun is THAT big, then his penis must be HUGE.

The result being, I have no idea if this sequel is better or worse than the original. I can only judge it on its own merits...which means basically shrugging and going "meh".

As the movie opens, we're treated to scenes of an idyllic countryside. There's a farm with horses frolicking and enjoying themselves. Everything seems sedate. But don't be fooled, friends! There's trouble a-brewin'!

In this case, the trouble is in the guise of a couple dozen terrorist-types wearing all black. So, to recap, the movie is about 10 seconds old when the first retarded thing happens. See, it's MID-DAY, and these so-called "terrorists" are wearing all black in broad daylight in the middle of farm country. Way to blend in, fuckwads. Why not just wear a bright yellow leisure suit with a light-up clown nose and attach a big fucking neon sign to your head with an arrow pointing at you that reads "shoot me!" while carrying a ghetto blaster cranking out Motley Crue songs at full blast? That's the only CONCEIVABLE way you could be any less obvious.

But apparently, their cunning ruse works. See, this isn't REALLY a farm. It's a top-secret government installation with all sorts of armed spooks on patrol. And proving your tax dollars are hard at work, THEY DON'T SEE A FUCKING THING. Obviously, these zeroes failed the IQ test to be airport screeners.

"Well, according to this simulation I just ran on my LINUX-powered system here, I'd say this movie has a 50% chance of sucking canal water."

So, these so-called "terrorists" - after sending out a press release alerting the entire WORLD to their presence - blast their way into the underground bunker using light explosives detonated a foot or two away from them. No wonder Bush was so sure that Saddam Hussein had "Weapons Of Mass Destruction"...America's top-secret underground installations can be breached with cherry bombs. Iraq must have had a box of M-80s hidden away somewhere. He'd better keep an eye on Syria...my intelligence tells me that they have a couple of Burning Schoolhouses and a Zippo lighter in a bunker somewhere.

Once in there, the so-called "terrorists" pretty much kill everyone that moves, except for Augustus Gibbons (Jackson) and some nerdy guy named Shavers (Michael Roof). Thank goodness, otherwise the Bad Guys would have gotten their hands on his 10-sided dice. Oh, and Gibbons escapes using some contraption that looks like one of those pneumatic tubes that office workers used to use to send memos through. The pair of them escape the compound in some souped-up car, doing stunts that would make the Dukes Of Hazzard narrator spit with disgust:

"Boy, those Duke boys have sure stepped in it this time. These terrorists are hot on their tail, and they've got to hit the road...ok, you know what? Enough is enough. They don't pay me enough for this shit. Don, get my agent on the line. I don't care who he has to fuck, but get me OUT of doing this shit or I'll cut my own fucking legs off with a goddamn skill saw!"

So, I guess because this particular branch is SO secret, the rest of the government doesn't even know they exist. Actually, they're probably just embarrassed. "The triple-x unit? You mean those guys that got taken out by bottle-rockets and super-soakers? Yeah, never heard of them..." So Gibbons and Shavers The Valiant (18th level Paladin) have to recruit someone to help them on the QT. That's where Darius (Ice Cube) comes in. He's currently serving time in the gray-bar hotel for some sort of war-time crime. But, you know, the GOOD kind where he was acting all noble and the evil General was to blame. Remind me to use the whole "I was being humane" excuse the next time I get hauled in front of a judge.

"Get me OUT OF THIS MOVIE!!!!!"

Now, I don't want to give anything away here, so this paragraph is spoiler-free: They spring Darius in the most implausible manner ever seen, they join forces, Darius kinda goes undercover a little bit, a huge conspiracy is uncovered, and it's all thwarted due to a combination of military hot-shots (Scott Speedman) and streetwise toughs (Xzibit). During all this, they manage to fight a lot and blow a whole lot of stuff up.

Then the credits roll. Wow...maybe it WAS kinda spoiler-heavy. Either that or predictable.

But what about Xander (Diesel's character from the first movie)? He's dead. They mention the fact that he's dead in passing and pretty much never mention him again. Take THAT, Vin Diesel! That'll teach you for asking too much for a sequel and then refusing to do it! PS: go back to breakdancing, you tool.

Yet through this entire predictable, goofy picture, it still manages to be somewhat entertaining. Then again, that's like saying that microwaving hot dogs is somewhat hunger-soothing. They don't taste BAD, but they're bad FOR you...and it's not like hot dog number 2 is going to taste any different from the first one.

The movie would be a lot worse if it weren't for some winning performances. Then again, it would be a lot BETTER if not for some heinous performances. Ice Cube is actually pretty charismatic as an unlikely hero. Yes, I know he's kinda beefy and not the physical ideal of an action hero, but I liked that aspect to it. Plus, he's a fun actor...come on, it's been 14 years since Boyz N The Hood. We can all admit that he's a fun, entertaining, and somewhat talented actor to watch. On the flip side, Samuel L. Jackson once again proves that he will act in any movie that's willing to pay for his services, and he gives that same Samuel L. Jackson performance that we're all fucking sick of by now. Maybe if we pool our money, we'll be able to pay him enough to convince him to take a couple of years off.

"Yeah, try saying that to me when I'm holding my LIGHTSABER, motherfucker!"

With the supporting characters, it's the same. Willem DaFoe is entertaining as a war-mongering former general turned Secretary of Defense. On the flip side, you've got Peter Strauss as the President, and he's, well, kind of...

All right, here's the thing: I don't want to get sued or anything. But after watching Strauss in this movie, I can only come to the conclusion that he must have been doped up or drunk or dying or SOMETHING. Holy sweet mother of fuck, but that it one of the worst performances I've ever seen in my entire life. I've seen people making their acting debuts on the stages of community theatres that were better. I'm calling it now...Worst Supporting Actor of 2005. If I see worse, I'll be surprised. I'll also consider killing myself mid-movie to make the pain go away.

Girl-wise, you've got Sunny Mabrey as a sexy white girl with huge breasts that may or may not be trustworthy. Yet, you don't care, because you're staring at her incredible bazongas the whole time. Then there's Nona M. Gaye as an old "friend" of Daruis's...but you don't care, because you're staring at her incredible bazongas the whole time. So in a nutshell, this is a great movie if you like the boobies. (And, I'll have to admit, I'm a fan of the boobies. I can't lie.)

Here they are, guys...the 4 best reasons to see this movie.

And then there's Xzibit. I don't know what it is about this guy, but I like him in everything I see him in. He's a fun, super-charismatic guy. Now to be fair, he's totally typecast here. He's gone from MTV's Pimp My Ride to a movie where he plays a guy that pimps rides. Not a lot of range on display, but hey, he's fun to watch.

And speaking of fun, I've got to admit that xXx: State Of The Union has its share of fun moments. There's a lot of eye candy for action fans. A lot of things blow up real good, and many of the action sequences are so over-the-top that you can't help but get a good-natured chuckle out of them. It's like a dumbed-down version of James Bond. And since director Tamahori is a Bond vet himself (Die Another Day) it kind of makes sense.

Interesting sidenote here...that girl in between Cube and Xzibit is Buceta's friend Masuimi Max. I met her once for about 5 seconds. She smells pretty.

Then there's the dialogue. One word: Eeeurrgh. Here's a fun experiment: take the scripts for every cliché-ridden action movie over the past 20 years. Stick them all in a blender (or one of those Magic Bullet contraptions I've seen on the infomercials) and frappe the hell out of them. There's your script. Then blow up your kitchen. The result is this movie. But on the plus side, sometimes it's so ridiculous it makes you laugh out loud. I'll give them the benefit of the doubt and say that they obviously weren't taking themselves too seriously.

With a better cast, this could have been a good guilty pleasure type movie. But, as it is, it's incredibly hit and miss. The hits are fun, and the misses are roughly as painful as getting a rectal exam from Edward Scissorhands. View at your own risk.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to break into some top-secret government installations. I've got a sparkler and one of those carbon "snake" things. I should be in and out in no time.

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