Mr. And Mrs. Smith
Starring: Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie
Directed by: Doug Liman

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Rating: 4 (out of 5)

Look, nobody knows better than me that marriage can be hell. If you're one of the unlucky people whom I made suffer through my marriage, separation, divorce, and eventual reconciliation with the same woman, then the very fact that I've written the word "marriage" should be enough to send you running for cover. I'm actually getting the shakes just thinking about it, and I'm pretty sure (this time) that it's not the DTs.

But marital dysfunction takes on a whole other meaning when the couple is actively trying to KILL each other. Actually, now that I think about it, that would be the PERFECT description of marital dysfunction. Ah, if only OJ had read this review back in 1993 or so. He'd be able to golf in peace, and the world would have one more waiter in its restaurants.

Pitt and Jolie played the titular couple, John and Jane Smith. As the movie opens, they're in marriage counseling, as we all have either been in or will be, trust me. Get used to that crappy-looking office.

"You know, just because we're married, that doesn't mean we have to wear matching outfits."

An aside: I missed up to the first minute of the movie. This, of course, is thanks to the fucking assholes that don't seem to realize that "rush hour" ENDS at 9am, which should have given me PLENTY of time to get to my 10am screening, grab some coffee, and get a comfortable seat. Fuckers...I shouldn't have to wake up before 9am to get to a 10am press screening. But NOOOOOO. These so-called "commuters" have to fuck up traffic, believing (quite wrongly) that their schedules are more important than that of an under-employed movie critic. The nerve...the unmitigated GALL...

Anyhoo, I DID get there soon enough to hear the Smiths confide that their sex life is, well, non-existent. I had 3 thoughts here:

1) Welcome to married life, suckers.
2) Oh PUH-LEEZ. Everyone who's seen more than 2 seconds of "Access Hollywood" or "Entertainment Tonight" in the past 6 months knows damn well that the two of you have been fucking like starving porn stars. Aniston ain't buying this one, Pitt, and neither am I.
3) Okay, seriously now, let's look at this in terms of movie characters. Dude, you're married to ANGELINA FRICKIN' JOLIE (or, you know, someone who looks like her...) If you're not HITTING that more than Bing Crosby hit his kids, you don't DESERVE to have a penis.

Fine, call me shallow. But every man (and most women) I know would be doing more mounting than the participants of the RCMP Musical Ride...or a taxidermist on speed...insert your own "mounting" joke here.

Ladies, if you think picking out something to WEAR is bad, be glad you don't have to make THIS decision every time you go out.

Whatever. So they're trapped in a boring, loveless, passionless marriage. But that doesn't mean that they have no excitement in their lives. For example, John isn't a contractor...he's an assassin for hire. And Jane doesn't work on Wall Street...because, well, SHE'S an assassin for hire. Neither of them know this, of course, because nobody COMMUNICATES anymore, goddamn it.

During a flashback, we see how they met in South America just after a political assassination. Since the authorities were looking for foreigners traveling alone, they decide to pretend to be together...because ONE of them has just killed the guy. About 10 seconds after they get to John's room and introduce themselves, they're going at it. See, now THAT'S more like it! I need to get into this whole "killer for hire" deal. If I can just get over this horrific fear I have of conflict and violence, I think I'd be good at it. After all, I DO rule in Splinter Cell.

"Oh shit...did I leave the oven on?"

So yeah, it's years later, they're both living a lie, and can barely handle living together. At home, they have passive-aggressive arguments about new drapes and other suburban trifles. At work, they both get assigned to kill the same shmuck.

See, they work for competing agencies. John works with Eddie (Vince Vaughn)...which has all the pros and cons that working with Vince Vaughn would normally have (constantly being annoyed by Vince Vaughn being at the top of the list...) Meanwhile, Jane works for a high-tech killing agency that's staffed almost completely with hot chicks. I'm guessing they do better business. I know that if I was going to be murdered, I'd much prefer to see babes on the other end of the gun than Vince Vaughn. But who wouldn't?

Please, please, PLEASE tell me it's death by snu-snu.

So back to the shmuck, played by Adam Brody, that little tool from The OC.Both agencies have contracts out on this kid, and both John and Jane get assigned to make him a little less alive. Through a shocking coincidence, there's only one vulnerable point where they can actually pull the hit off, because he's in Federal custody. They proceed to head to said location, and completely fuck up each others' hit...but still not realizing that their spouse is the "competing agent".

Well, not yet, anyway. It becomes obvious soon enough, and since they both have orders to eliminate the other target...well, let's just say that they have to take their work home with them. That's a disaster in MOST relationships, but THIS time, it means that their beautiful home's resale value is gonna get seriously compromised. Wow...I guess Brad is going to "hit' that after all! (GodDAMN I'm clever...)

An aside: overall, married couples trying to kill each other isn't all that rare. For example, my ex-wife-and-current-girlfriend Morn: We used to do this shit all the time. She'd put arsenic in my coffee, I'd tamper with her brakes. She'd cover me in live scorpions while I slept. I'd send her to Phil Spector's house so he could show off his gun collection. It's fun, it's healthy, and it's good, good times. We got pissy about it before, but now we laugh and we laugh...

"Very funny Brad, but I'm WARNING you. It's YOUR TURN to do the dishes!"

I'll be honest...with this movie, I was expecting a smartassed action flick...you know, where the protagonists occasionally throw off witty one-liners. What I wasn't expecting is an actual COMEDY. But that's what this is...a comedy with some kick-ass action sequences. It's actually, above all else, a VERY funny movie.

I've always thought Brad Pitt was underrated as a comic actor, but I don't think that's going to happen much after this. Don't get me wrong...Angelina Jolie looks damn sexy with a gun. But for me, Pitt is the big star here. He's charismatic, sure...but he's also very, very funny. He has a great dry, deadpan wit about him that suits the tone of the picture perfectly. And that's about as many complimentary comments as I can make about him without everyone I know screaming "GAY!" at me. It happens every time I say nice things about these so called "hunk" actors. I swear, it gets me so mad that all I can do to calm down is light some candles and settle in for a nice bubble bath and aromatherapy.

"Well HELLO THERE HANDSOME! You ARE looking rather fetching tonight."

And then there's Angelina...she of the bee-stung lips, supple legs, and breasts that just sort of pop out at you and say "look at these." I THINK she gives a good performance. I'm not sure. You see, early in the movie, she's in this leather-bondage type getup executing a hit, and from that moment on, blood flow to my brain was pretty much limited. I just got it back about an hour ago...oh, wait, there it goes again. Huh huh huh...she's got purty boobies. Seriously though, this isn't her best or worst performance...she's capable, but DAMN she looks good.

Please, please, PLEASE fall on me.

However, when it comes to her on-screen coupling with Pitt, it's remarkable. The two of them have INCREDIBLE chemistry together on-screen. If they connect OFF screen even half as well, then they're made for each other. I say, LET them bone all they want...by the looks of it, it's good for them, job-performance-wise.

A perfect example is one scene, where they've both pretty much figured out that the other is the assassin that they're supposed to be after...and it's dinnertime. In one of the most perfectly executed scenes I've seen this year, they manage to say almost nothing - just small talk, really. Yet, they're sizing each other up the entire time, on the defensive, looking for tricks. The scene winds up both full of tension and hilariously funny at the same time.

They don't get all the credit though...director Doug Liman knows exactly how a scene like this should play out. He makes the action scenes big and bold, the funny scenes keep you chuckling throughout, and has perfect timing overall. No scene drags on too long, and he makes the most of his stars.

To be fair, it's not perfect. For starters, he's also cast Vince Vaughn, who I'm REALLY getting sick of seeing in every goddamn movie that comes out. How he hasn't wound up in a movie with Jude Law is a mystery to me. He plays...well, he plays the patented Vince Vaughn smarmy jerk character. You know it, you've seen it, and you're as sick of it as I am.

"I KNOW! It's crazy! I don't know how I keep getting work EITHER! What are these guys thinking?"

And then there's the ending. I haven't read the original script, but there's a definite gap between the penultimate scene and the final scene...and a kind of disconnect. Certain things are left unresolved that may nag at you. It stinks of a last minute rewrite or reshoot. It's got that aromatic bouquet of studio interference to it that has fucked up the ending of many a good movie. I guess we'll see on the DVD.

Overall, it's kind of like a cross between The War Of The Roses and True Lies, only better and funnier...although while I hate to admit it, Vince Vaughn is no Tom Arnold. It's a solid flick that should be fun for couples to see together, as it really does have the best of both worlds.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm not feeling all that well. Come to think of it, it started after Morn brought me a cup of coffee earlier...

...oh for the love of FUCK, not this shit again. Hopefully, I still have Spector on my speed-dial...

"Aw crap. I guess I DID leave the oven on."

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