MINI REVIEWS
Hey, since it's been so damn long since my last reviews, I figured I'd get you up to speed with some mini-reviews. Because, you know, I've been busy. I'm not sure how up to date some of these are right now, but hopefully you'll enjoy them anyway.
SIN
CITY
Starring: Mickey Rourke, Bruce Willis
Directed by: Frank Miller, Robert Rodriguez
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the official website here!
Rating: 4 (out of 5)
There are going to be two kinds of people here. The people who think this is a violent, nasty piece of work and hate it, and those who think this is a violent, nasty piece of work and love it.
I'm a fan of Frank Miller's comics work, although I'd never read any of the Sin City stories. Now I want to.
This is film noir crossed with Quentin Tarantino ultra-violence. In fact, Rodriguez lifts Tarantino's timeline-shifting clean.
"Normally, I'd say that smoking will kill you. But I REALLY don't think you have to worry in this case."
The movie is gorgeous to look at, something that the fans and nay-sayers both seem to agree on. It's a work of cinematic art no matter what you think of the stories or content.
Mickey Rourke is actually incredible. It reminded me of the good old days before he became a punching bag punchline. Actually, all of the performances are great. Clive Owen is 10 different kinds of cool, Jessica Alba manages not to suck, Willis is fun, and Benicio Del Toro is the coolest sleaze you've ever seen.
Definitely not for everyone, but if you like this sort of thing, it's a must-see. If you don't, then you'll still be able to appreciate the gorgeous comic-book-come-to-life look of it.
Fever
Pitch
Starring: Jimmy Fallon, Drew Barrymore
Directed by: Peter and Bobby Farrelly
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the official website here!
Rating: 4.5 (out of 5)
At heart, this is a fairly standard romantic comedy. But I loved it for one very important reason...I GET it.
Boston fans never said die, even though they knew a World Series was out of grasp. That having been said, any Toronto sports fan can appreciate this, because it's been WAY to fucking long since the Leafs won a Stanley Cup. I fully expect that to remain the same as long as I'm alive.
Having Fallon as a maniacal Red Sox fan could have been cartoony. Instead, he plays it generally straight. He's got other priorities in life, but during baseball season, the Sox are the most important thing in the world. If this rings false, wait until the NHL comes back and then take a trip to Toronto between October and May.
"Hey Drew, check it out. A Maple Leafs fan. How pathetic is THAT?"
I'm not a Fallon fan, but I really liked him a lot here. His character is smart, witty, and likable. He doesn't become the boorish sports-nerd that we all know. I'd actually liken his work here to some of the Romantic Comedies that Tom Hanks did way back when. Barrymore, on the other hand, has about as much on-screen appeal as a plate of week-old ratatouille. But the movie is smart and funny enough to overcome that obstacle. I'm biased, but I have a feeling this will be on my year-end list for 2005.
THE
AMITYVILLE HORROR
Starring: Ryan
Reynolds, Melissa George
Directed by: Andrew Douglas
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the official website here!
Rating: 2.5 (out of 5)
Actually, this should probably have a lower rating, but since it's better than a lot of the shitty horror films I've seen lately, I'm willing to be a little generous.
You know the story. Couple buys a house. It seems too good to be true. House turns out to be (gasp) haunted. Guy goes batshit. It's The Shining with fewer rooms and mediocre acting.
"Oh no! THE BEER FELL!!!!!"
What blows me away about this one is this: it's APPARENTLY "based on a true story"...because, you know, haunted houses are REAL...just like Santa Claus, Scooby Doo, and Compassionate Conservatives. The guy who came up with this cock-and-bull story - George Lutz - has been telling everyone who will listen that this movie sucks because they didn't consult HIM, even though he offered. So, to George Lutz, I offer the following:
1)
The movie sucks because it's a shitty movie, just like the old '70's James
Brolin / Margot Kidder version.
2) They didn't ask Crossing Over's John Edward to consult either. Why?
Because he's a fucking FRAUD. Read between the lines, jerkweed.
I guess it could have been worse. I'm almost loathe to admit it, but I actually really liked Ryan Reynolds' performance. I always swore I'd never say anything nice about Van Wilder, but he's pretty effective in this movie. As for the rest of them, meh...who cares?
Rent it, if anything.
THE
RING 2
Starring: Naomi
Watts, Simon Baker
Directed by: Hideo Nakata
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the official website here!
Rating: 1 (out of 5)
Ugh, what a piece of shit.
The only thing good about this movie is the director's name...Hideo Nakata. Just saying it makes me want to sing "Hakuna Matata". Try it! It's fun! You'll get bored of it after about 35 seconds...which is about 30 seconds more entertainment than you'll get from The Ring 2.
Haunted videotape is back. Creepy girl in well is back. Naomi Watts' taut, perky ass is back. Creepy kid who can't act is back. Etc.
"And I said, I don't care if they lay me off either, because I told, I told Bill that if they move my desk one more time, then, then I'm, I'm quitting, I'm going to quit. And, and I told Don too, because they've moved my desk four times already this year, and I used to be over by the window, and I could see the squirrels, and they were married, but then, they switched from the Swingline to the Boston stapler, but I kept my Swingline stapler because it didn't bind up as much, and I kept the staples for the Swingline stapler and it's not okay because if they take my stapler then I'll set the building on fire..."
This movie almost deserves a full review, mostly because I could spend 2,000 words picking apart all the holes in it. But the thought of wasting 2,000 words on such a shitty movie is, quite frankly, depressing.
I will say this much: Naomi and her creepy kid have moved to a sleepy Oregon town, where she writes for a sleepy local paper. And yet, this town - which generates probably 3 pages worth of news a week (less if you take out the Yard Sale announcements) has about a dozen people on staff...ALL of whom have nothing better to do than hang out in the office on a Friday night listening to a police scanner.
Sounds stupid, right? It is. Skip it. Don't even bother seeing it on a dare.
ROBOTS
Starring: Ewan
McGregor, Robin Williams
Directed by: Chris Wedge
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the official website here!
Rating: 2.5 (out of 5)
I guess this isn't a TERRIBLE movie, but it's utterly forgettable for anyone old enough to have hair in their bathing-suit areas. (Myself excluded, of course. I like to keep the twig and berries nice and smooth. One word of advice though...if you decide to do a little landscaping south of the equator, don't use Nair. Just trust me on this.)
My biggest problem with this movie is something that probably just bothers me: it's the look of the robots. Many of them look like they were cobbled together from leftover parts of appliances from the 1950's. I understand that's what they WANTED, and in a sense, it works in terms of this particular movie. But for whatever reason, it just creeps me out.
The gender-reversed, all-robot remake of "The Fabulous Baker Boys" didn't bring in the crowds like the studio had hoped.
There are some clever lines here and there, but it really is one for the kids. If you have them, you could do worse. There are some nice kid-friendly messages to be found (Always follow your dreams, be true to yourself, yadda yadda yadda). But if you're an adult like me, and you know that all those "lessons" are a crock of shit, then there's not much more to be had. Rent "The Incredibles" or "Shrek 2" instead.
Although I will say this...it turns out that Drew Carey's pretty darned good at this voiceover stuff. He should do more.
GUESS
WHO
Starring: Ashton
Kutcher, Bernie Mac
Directed by: Kevin Rodney Sullivan
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the official website here!
Rating: 2.5 (out of 5)
I know Sidney Poitier. Sidney Poitier is a friend of mine. And you, Ashton Kutcher, are no Sidney Poitier. And while we're on the subject, Bernie Mac's got a lot of work to do before he becomes Spencer Tracy.
So yeah, it's a modern-day retelling of "Guess Who's Coming To Dinner," and it's nowhere near as good. The main reason is that the original came out at a time of racial strife where the very concept of a mixed-race marriage was taboo. Racism was rampant. The movie made some bold statements in an age where people weren't ready to hear them.
But, y'see these days...ummm...well...actually, we haven't really come all that far, when you think about it. I mean, it's not the 60's any more, but you'd think that we'd have come further than we have. Fuck, that's depressing.
"Oh, quit your whining, white boy. You SAID you were curious about pre-marital sex."
At any rate, swapping the races of the principles around might seem like a novel idea to some, but it really doesn't have the same punch. If they REALLY want to remake "Guess Who's Coming To Dinner" and have it make a social impact, then they should have a guy bring home another GUY to meet his parents. Now THAT would get people talking.
Guess Who isn't a colossal failure...there's some good stuff here. I'm actually embarrassed to say that Kutcher plays his role with a kind of understated charm that I didn't think he was capable of. On the other hand, Bernie Mac - whom I normally love - kind of phones it in.
There is one standout scene here, and that's a dinner table conversation about racist jokes. It's the smartest, funniest scene in the movie. Now if the REST of the movie had the same "oomph" to it, we might have something. But instead, it gets weak and watered down. By 2/3 of the way through the movie, the "race" issue is completely abandoned and forgotten. For the most part, the movie's about a guy who doesn't like his daughter's fiancée, period. For me, that's just not enough.
MELINDA
AND MELINDA
Starring: Radha
Mitchell, Will Ferrell
Written and Directed by: Woody Allen
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the official website here!
Rating: 2.5 (out of 5)
I really, REALLY wanted to like this movie. I think I'm more disappointed than anything else.
I've always thought that Woody Allen was a brilliant writer. He's written some of the funniest movies I've ever seen (Annie Hall) and some of the saddest (Interiors). He's also blended them perfectly as well (The Purple Rose Of Cairo).
So the plot here intrigued me. Two playwrights are having dinner. One of them is known for his comedies, the other for his tragedies. A third diner brings up an anecdote about a young woman who crashes a dinner party. The 2 writers then say what THEY would do with this story, if they were writing a play about it.
Great idea, right? I wish I'D thought of this concept. I also wish Woody had made this movie 20-25 years ago, when he was in his prime.
"Do you mind? That's my fucking EAR you're screaming into! Besides, Skynyrd ALWAYS comes out for an encore."
The title character of "Melinda" is played by Radha Mitchell in a real tour de force performance. She's incredible. We watch both stories unfold, scene by scene...first a comic scene, then a dramatic one. In the comedy, Will Ferrell and Amanda Peet are the couple who get crashed upon. In the drama, it's Jonny Lee Miller and Chloe Sevigny. None of them match the talent or intensity of Mitchell, and the movie suffers as a whole.
Ferrell was especially disappointing, but I'm not so sure it's his fault. When Allen directs other people in the "Woody Allen" role, he tends to try and get them to channel Woody himself. It never works...Jason Biggs, Kenneth Branagh, John Cusack...all good actors, but none of them were really believable as "Woody". Add Ferrell's name to that list.
Neither storyline really grabs you, and that's the ultimate disappointment. Both stories kind of keep you mildly interested, but then when they switch gears on you, you kind of forget about it.
It's not his best. And it's a shame. I still love him though.
