BE COOL
Starring: John Travolta, Uma Thurman
Directed by: F. Gary Gray

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Rating: 2 (out of 5)

When the biggest selling point in your movie is the fact that John Travolta is dancing with Uma Thurman again, you're in trouble. Of course, with Hollywood being as cyclical as it is, I'm waiting for this in about 5 years:

"Why yes, that IS a jet in my pants...and yes, I AM happy to see you."

"Remember Battlefield: Earth? Remember when Travolta picked up Barry Pepper and started choking him with one hand? Well...hold on to your socks, because Travolta and Pepper are back...Travolta CHOKES Pepper again! It's gonna be a HUGE hit!"

Look, I like Travolta as much as the next guy. He's good for my line of work. He's capable of really good performances, yet most of the roles he picks for himself are embarrassingly bad. His crappy roles outnumber the good ones by about a 5:1 ratio. This means that I can make fun of him as much as I want, and then save face every 5 years or so by saying something like "Travolta is BACK, and he's never been better!" It makes for good copy.

"I'm not crazy about what this Internet Loser is saying...I'd better hit the old E-Meter to check my levels..."

The last really entertaining role I saw Travolta in was as the loanshark-turned-movie-producer Chili Palmer in Get Shorty. He OWNED that role...he was charming and menacing at the same time, depending on what was necessary. Quite frankly, it was perfect casting...something, which Hollywood doesn't get right very often. Plus, it was a quality flick...well written, well acted, and well executed all around. Well, what better way to FUCK THAT UP than to make a lame-ass sequel? Thus, we have Be Cool.

As the movie opens, Chili is back...looking a little older, a little smugger, and a little friendlier with Botox. He's hanging out with his good friend Tommy, played by James Woods. Now, other than the botulism in Travolta's face, this is the first real problem with the movie. I LOVE James Woods. Sure, he can chew the scenery, but he's a great actor all-around. Except here...in this brief cameo, he overacts worse than Andy Dick on speed.

"Oh shit...I bet this is the part of the review where he goes off on one of his tangents...if the next two words he types are 'An aside' I'm SO fucking out of here..."

An aside: I have a theory about this...before now, I'd always thought that Woods had a real solid idea about when to go over the top, and when to dial it back. But I'm blaming director F. Gary Gray for this annoying, over-energetic performance. In my mind, the conversation went a little like this:

GRAY: Jimmy, buddy...I LIKE what you're doing, but I need MORE. I need you to have more annoying energy than...say...Andy Dick on speed.
WOODS: I...uh...are you sure? Because, you know, I don't think it's really necessary.
GRAY: It's necessary. Just do it.
WOODS: Um, well, Gary...it's just...well...I'm pretty sure that doing what you're asking me to is going to make me look like...well...an asshole. So, uh, no. No. I won't do it.
GRAY: Fair enough...hey Jimmy...you like women, right?
WOODS: Oh HELL yeah! I'm, like, the biggest womanizer in Hollywood. I don't know if you read the trades, but I have kind of a reputation. I'll fuck anything with 2 legs, a vagina, and a pulse. My cock sees more pink than Prince...and you know that guy has a thing about the colour pink...am I right?
GRAY: Actually, it's purple.
WOODS: Really? Wow...I thought it was pink. That's kind of...you know...weird.
GRAY: Whatever. The point is I have an 18-year-old niece. She's new in town, from Kansas, and I promised I'd introduce her to some movie stars. Oh, and she's bisexual.
WOODS: Are you kidding? Hey, hook me up.
GRAY: Okay...I can hook you up...but ONLY if you overact in this scene to the point where your veins are about to explode. Deal?
WOODS: HELL YEAH! SOMEONE GET ME SOME CAFFEINE! I NEED RED BULL, STAT!

Please note: the above conversation is a work of fiction. Sure, it probably happened EXACTLY THAT WAY, but I have no proof to back it up. Then again, I have no "proof" that humans evolved from apes either, but it's pretty fucking obvious that's what happened.

"Dude, either get on with it or I'm gonna fuckin' BRAIN you with this thing..."

Whatever, I've gone on way too long about James Woods and his rampant overacting. Let's just say that he's hammier than a Golden Griddle all-you-can-eat brunch and leave it at that.

Fortunately, Woods can't chew up TOO much scenery, because within 2 minutes he's executed...but not well. In fact, he's executed sloppier than a Janeane Garofalo punchline. By the way, in case you couldn't tell, it's "Lame Metaphor" day at thenakedcritic.com.

Chili sees the whole thing, but reacts as if he's just seen someone get a parking ticket. Obviously, all the Botox has rendered Travolta incapable of expressing emotion. Either that, or the producers didn't donate enough money to the Church of Scientology and so he's phoning in his performance as payback. At any rate, he doesn't seem to give a shit.

"I'm...too sexy and talented for this movie..."

But this is where the "plot" kicks in. Tommy was the head of a barely-successful indie music label. And he had his eye on a young singer-songwriter named Linda Moon (played by the insanely talented and hot Christina Milian). So Chili, for reasons I'm still not clear about, decides to check her out for himself.

When he does, he finds that she's part of an all-girl group who have all the ability of a high-school talent show. That high school, by the way, is obviously "We're Whores With No Actual Talent Who Shimmy Around In Our Underwear High". So, essentially, just like every other girl-group foisted upon us in the last 10 years. Somehow, they've landed a gig at the Viper Room...which I'm pretty sure books better acts than this in real life. If not, then River Phoenix didn't overdose...he killed himself to make the horrible music stop. In a word, they suck dead gopher testicles. The only good thing about them is Linda.

"Three little maids from school are we..."

So Chili, who apparently likes interfering in business that has nothing to do with him, tells Linda that she's wasting her time with this crap. He also takes it upon himself to tell her manager Raji (the very annoying Vince Vaughn) that her 5-year-contract has been cancelled, and that HE'S managing her now.

And so, Chili's journey into the music business begins...all apparently on a whim. Because that's what good businessmen do...they jump head-first into a business they know nothing about and threaten people a lot. Rumour has it that's how Bill Gates and Donald Trump got their start. Oh, wait, no they didn't. They knew and studied their respective industries before committing themselves. This would lead one to believe that Chili is an idiot. Which he is.

"Yo Dawg...I USED to be cool. Remember 'Swingers'? Remember? Oh, for the love of God, PLEASE remember 'Swingers'..."

And then, of course, hilarity ensues. Unfortunately, it only ensues when Travolta, Thurman, and Vaughn are off-screen.

My biggest problem with Be Cool is the horrible writing. Back when they made Get Shorty 10 fucking YEARS ago, Chili's banter was cool. He'd say, "Look at me" or "I'm the guy who's telling you the way it is"...and it was cool. He was an ex-mob badass who had no patience for bullshit. He'd go in to talk to someone and say "I'm not gonna say anymore than I have to, if that." And it was COOL. Why? Because it wasn't HALF THE FUCKING SCRIPT. This new movie trots out all these old lines so often you'd think that they only wrote half a movie and plugged the rest of it up with the old script.

I'm not kidding here, folks. Every single ONE of those previously cool lines is repeated at least three times each here. That's not writing...that's just fucking lazy. And in terms of making Chili a cool character, it fails miserably. In the first movie, he was a guy who always knew exactly what to say at exactly the right time. Now, he just comes across as a dumbass Guido mobster who doesn't have any original banter. It's pathetic.

"Ha! We're trying to trick YOU into paying to see this movie!"

But it gets worse...entire SCENES are lifted almost word-for-word from the first movie. Remember when Chili coached the producer on what NOT to tell the bad guys? Remember how the producer completely ignored those instructions? It's here. Remember when Chili wanted a Cadillac, but instead got "The Cadillac of mini-vans?" Well, this time it's the "Cadillac of hybrid vehicles". See, because if it was funny the first time, all you need to do is change a couple of words and it will be EXTRA FUNNY the second time.

Let me tell you something, folks. If Chili Palmer was a REAL PERSON, and they showed him this script, he'd have fucking WHACKED the screenwriter. It's quite honestly an embarrassment to writers everywhere. It's that fucking bad.

Behold...the ONLY thing that Uma brings to the party. Actually...I can think of worse things to bring to the party...rowr.

Uma doesn't fare much better. She plays Tommy's widow, but not exactly a grieving widow. She's here for only two reasons...one is to let us all see the Aerosmith tattoo on her ass, and the other is to be a pseudo-love-interest to Chili. Because, you know, most grieving widows start hitting on ex-mobsters the second their husband is brutally murdered. In Pulp Fiction and Kill Bill, Uma was tough and sexy...here, she's a marginally interesting slut with an Aerosmith fetish.

In fact, the only character more annoying than THE TWO LEADS is Vaughn as Raji. He's a Jewish guy who pretends he's black. GET IT? Actually, it doesn't matter if you get it or not...Vaughn reminds you of this one-note joke for two solid fucking hours. The last time a character annoyed me this much in a movie was the so-called "retarded" kid in Gigli. I like Vaughn as a rule, but if this horrific performance kills his Hollywood career, I won't be shedding any tears...it's that bad.

Here's where things change though...the SUPPORTING players are excellent. Harvey Keitel plays a villainous label owner perfectly. Cedric The Entertainer is fantastic as a rap mogul, and Andre Benjamin (AKA Andre 3000 from Outkast) is hilarious as his incompetent enforcer. And then there's The Rock...who is utterly hysterical. His character - a gay tough-guy who really wants to act - is un-PC, almost bordering on offensive...but he NAILS it. One scene in particular, where he acts out a scene from the cheerleader-movie Bring It On, could wind up being the funniest scene in a movie this year.

"Hello, Internet! Greetings from Stereotypical Gang-Bangers Local 201!!"

Sadly, some of the other "cameos" are just embarrassing. One scene in particular is especially painful...with Aerosmith's Steven Tyler playing himself. There's a reason he's a singer and not an actor...let's just leave it at that. Ok...let's NOT just leave it at that. Remember the "I've fallen and I can't get up" lady? She turned in a better performance than Tyler...it was just fucking embarrassing.

"Oh come ON! I'm a singer, not an actor! Cut me some slack!"

Cedric, Benjamin, and Rock OWN the movie. They steal every scene they're in, and quite frankly embarrass the so-called "stars". The movie is ALMOST worth seeing for these three alone.

"Hmm...okay, he makes a good point. I won't kill him...yet..."

But sadly, it's just ALMOST worth seeing for them. The re-hashed premise, the gratuitous use of "cameos", and the piss-poor writing and ripping off of the first script make it ALMOST intolerable. The two "almosts" cancel each other out, and leave you with an occasionally enjoyable - but mostly limp and derivative - piece of Hollywood crap.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got work to do. I'm going to change about 10 words in the Citizen Kane screenplay and then try and make a sequel. Wish me luck!

The Rock is a gay cowboy. There's really nothing to add here, other than the fact that I hope he beats the living shit out of Toby Keith.

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