OSCAR SPOTLIGHT

SIDEWAYS
Starring: Paul Giamatti, Thomas Haden Church
Directed by: Alexander Payne

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Rating: 4 (out of 5)

First, let me just say that I don't really GET wine people. I know a few of you are pretty into wine, so this isn't a shot at you or anything. I enjoy wine…and there have been ones that I've liked, and ones I didn't.

But this whole "sticking your nose in, tasting, and SPITTING OUT" thing is just beyond me. I know why it's DONE, but it's quite frankly a waste of perfectly good wine. Let's face it…it's BOOZE, first and foremost. If it's all about the flavor of grape-juice-gone-funky you're looking for, then I have a half-bottle of Welch's that's been sitting in the back of my fridge since the Clinton administration that you might like. And the spitters are always the snobbiest of the bunch, too. I say SWALLOW, you elitist shmucks. Getting loaded might be just what you need to liven you up a bit. Loosen the bow tie or ascot and just get wrecked…you'll thank me later.

You say "In vino veritas". I say "In vino oblivion".

"Hmm...fruity, yet oaky as well...with just a hint of...oh, is that lemur urine? Sublime!"

Anyway, this brings us to Sideways, possibly the best movie about wine snobs ever made. Also, possibly the ONLY movie about wine snobs, so that particular award probably doesn't carry much weight.

But if it's awards you want, Sideways has it in spades. Pretty much every critic on the planet ejaculated praise on this movie last year as if it starred Jenna Jameson. My opinion? Great movie…but guys, get a grip…you're overrating it a bit.

As the movie, we meet Miles, who's played by one of my personal favourites, Paul Giamatti. He wakes up logy and hung over after what was probably a kick-ass wine-tasting-and-kegger. See, now THIS is my kind of wine snob! Of course, it also turns out that he's a writer, divorced, and has little-to-no self-esteem. Yeah, this is REALLY my kind of wine snob.

"Just ignore my grumpy friend here. His nose is out of joint. (snicker)...Get it Jack? 'Nose out of joint?' Whaddya think?"

As it turns out, he's late for something. We're not sure what yet, and he sure doesn't seem like he's in a huge hurry to get there. But eventually, he hits the road, doing the New York Times crossword AS HE'S DRIVING. Only a true lush would attempt something this stupid…God bless him.

It turns out that he's on his way to pick up an unsuccessful actor named Jack, played by everyone's favourite dimwitted airplane mechanic, Thomas Haden Church. Jack's about to get married, and Miles is taking him on a week-long bachelor party. But, before you get your mind all full of Tom Hanks Bachelor Party wackiness, it's not that spicy. No…THIS bachelor party is a week-long road trip through California wine country. Yeah, I know, it sounds weak, but it's still a hell of a lot better than MY bachelor party. I spent an hour in a strip club, during which time I had to buy my own six-dollar beers. Par-fucking-tee.

Of course, here's the thing…Jack isn't exactly wild about this particular bacchanalian plan. In fact, he'd much rather spend the time doing what every other red-blooded, misogynistic husband-to-be wants to do…getting laid. Dipping his wick. Riding the baloney pony. Insert your own euphemism here. I don't get it myself, but riding in a car with another middle aged man sipping wine with snobs isn't his idea of a great time. Meanwhile, Miles isn't thrilled with his attitude. He's the prototypical "in love with being in love" kind of guy, and he doesn't appreciate that his long-time friend could possibly be fucking up something that he wishes he had himself. It makes for a fascinating dynamic between the two characters.

"Hey, just be glad we're early. Come May, these 'Star Wars' lineups are going to be 10 times longer."

But l'amour - or a reasonable facsimile thereof - manages to worm its way into the trip anyways. For Miles, it's gorgeous waitress Maya (Virginia Madsen). In a frustrating twist, she obviously likes him, but he doesn't see it. This gets to the point where you want to jump into the movie screen in a bizarre reverse-Purple-Rose-Of-Cairo moment and just bitch slap him, screaming "WAKE UP, YOU IDIOT!" For Jack, it's bartender Stephanie (Sandra Oh), a somewhat promiscuous single mother. Of course, neither of these ladies know that Jack's about to "walk the plank", so like all great relationships, it begins with a lie. For me, the lie has usually had something to do with pretending I make more money than your average busker.

And then, as they say, the adventure begins, hilarity ensues, and (insert random cliché here.) If I were a "legitimate, educated" critic, I'd be tempted to say that the two friends embark on a voyage of self-discovery, with Miles analyzing his fears of both success and being alone. Whereas Jack's personal voyage turns out to be less shallow than he thought, and that he has to face an internal struggle between doing the right thing and simply acting out from his fear of growing old. This gets complicated by the fact that he seems to genuinely care for Stephanie, her child, and the beautiful and picturesque wine country surrounding them. In a sense, Jack's struggle is harder, despite the fact that he seems to be more shallow at heart…approaching middle age, he seems to be maturing for the first time, and fighting mightily against the change.

"So Jeffy is blaming the broken vase on 'Not Me', and Dolly is blaming it on 'Ida Know'...get it?"

So that's what I'd say if I were a "legitimate, educated" critic. Pretty good, huh? And yet I'm a former high-school dropout who's mostly self-taught. Not too shabby. Anyway, the point is that I'm NOT a "legitimate, educated" critic, so I'll sum up the movie by saying it's "cool and funny, but also very talk-y". Hey…either way, I'm still more reliable than those quote-whores Peter Travers and Rex Reed.

Now let me clear something up…I'm giving this movie a high rating, and yet I'm also saying it's overrated. It's absolutely accurate. I've always respected Alexander Payne's work (Election, About Schmidt) but I've never gushed geyser-like over it like almost everyone else. Maybe I'm missing something…I mean, the guy's very good, but to hear some critics talk, it's like he's the second coming. That just isn't the case.

On the other hand, I've spoken to some people who didn't like the movie at all. They point to the fact that none of the characters are really very likable. Miles is a wanna-be snob who steals from his mother and whines about his lack of success without doing anything about it. Jack is a mid-life crisis waiting to happen, complete with raging hormones and a lack of respect for women. Maya is emotionally guarded, and Stephanie is kind of a slut.

Even dysfunctional families can enjoy a picnic.

But see, I LIKE characters like this. I know all of these people in real life. In fact, I AM one of these people…three guesses which one. I'd take people like this over suave date doctors or invincible secret agents any day. Judging by the box office reports, I'm in the minority. So be it. Besides, it's my damn site…I'll like what I WANT. Take that, Hollywood.

The thing is, I saw a much better movie about unlikable people last year. It was called Closer. The fact that so many critics and awards-show people seem to prefer Sideways over Closer stuns me. But, you know…again, my site. I'll just bask in the knowledge that I'm right and take it from there.

Payne is a solid writer and director, and has done a solid job of adapting this novel. Giamatti is solid as Miles, with one scene in particular that could be his best work ever committed to film (more on that in a second). Madsen is solid as the hesitant Maya, and Oh is solid as Stephanie. Overall, it's a solid movie. I have no real complaints. It's just not EXTRAORDINARY…or at least not as extraordinary as others may lead you to believe.

There are two exceptions. One is Thomas Haden Church, whose every word, gesture, and facial tic is note-perfect as Jack. If you'd told me ten years ago that I'd be praising the work of Lowell from Wings, I'd have laughed in your face, taken a hit off your crack pipe, or both. But hell, I'm saying it….he's incredible here.

"Here's to you, here's to me. May we never disagree. If we do, FUCK YOU...here's to me!"

The other exception is one scene in particular that just blew me away. Miles and Maya are talking on a porch, and she asks him why he likes Pinot Noir wines so much. He then waxes eloquent on the uniqueness of the particular grape used to make it, unconsciously describing more of himself than the wine. This scene is beautifully written, and also just exquisitely executed by Giamatti. Not to get all film-nerdy and analytical on you, but it's one of the best examples of subtext slowly bubbling to the surface of the character that I've ever seen. If the rest of the movie was as extraordinary as this scene, I'd join the ejaculating masses in praising Sideways as the Second Coming Of Cinema.

In terms of Oscar nominations, I can't QUITE buy some of them. For me, some of the categories that the movie is nominated in would be borderline at best for me. I'm not convinced that Payne deserves a Best Director nomination out of it…Mike Nichols made more from less in Closer, and there's nothing that really stands out other than that one scene. I kind of think that Giamatti was robbed of a nomination…but then again, I think that every year, and this is a particularly strong year for Best Actor nominees. Thomas Haden Church's nod is well deserved, and Madsen…eh, she's good, but hardly noteworthy.

Who knew wine country had its own Chinatown? (Okay, you may have to think about that one a bit...)

Overall, this is a very good movie. But if you believe the media hype before seeing it, you may find yourself MILDLY disappointed. Just like a great bottle of wine, enjoy this movie for exactly what it is…and NOT what the rest of the snobs SAY it is.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go watch my favourite Virginia Madsen movie. It's a teen flick from 1986 called "Fire With Fire". I may be the only person who has ever seen it, but back in the day it was my favourite guilty pleasure movie EVER. A prison-camp kid running off with a Catholic school girl…now THAT'S extraordinary!

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