Hitch
Starring: Will Smith, Kevin James
Directed by: Andy Tennant

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Rating: 4 (out of 5)

I get a lot of email from people who assume that I'm some sort of handsome, suave ladies man. They're right of course…if by "handsome", you mean "potato-shaped", and by "suave" you mean "stutters like a simpering mongoloid in the very presence of hot women".

It's true. For all my bravado and late night lubricated-with-lotion fantasies about Elisha Cuthbert, if I ever actually met her, I'd probably just gawk, drool, and gibber about how I never knew she'd grow up to be so hot back in her "Popular Mechanics for Kids" days. This would be followed quickly by the obligatory boot to the berries, pepper spray to the eyes, and restraining order. You get used to it after a while.

"Okay, Ms. Valetta...just sign here and this critic guy won't be able to come within 100 feet of you..."

Quick-but-pathetically-true story: back in my single days, if I saw a gorgeous girl in a bar, I'd be too nervous to say anything to them. Instead, I'd send over drinks…but I'd tip the waitress to keep my identity anonymous. Because that way, I wouldn't have to talk to them, and thusly wouldn't make a complete and utter jackass of myself. Don't say anything…I know how sad that it. At my favourite local pub, that maneuver is referred to by some of the waitresses as my "regular order".

In short, I could have used a guy like Hitch.

The titular "Hitch" is Alex "Hitch" Hitchens, played by the ACTUALLY handsome and suave Will Smith. As the movie opens, he's kind enough to break the 4th wall and talk directly to all us shmucks in the audience. He's a "date doctor". His job is to "create opportunity" for all of us awkward dorks to get a chance with the women of our dreams. Ugly guys, nerdy guys, hopelessly neurotic guys, and pudgy, prematurely graying, underemployed movie critics could all potentially meet the women that we…I mean THEY…worship from afar. We…I mean THEY…just need the right tools.

"Hello? Who's this? DJ Jazzy WHO? Sorry, never heard of you..."

I know that sounds sinister, but as we soon find out the right "tools" don't involve slipping various substances into cocktails. Instead, it's mostly about charm, self-confidence, and other elements of being smooth that we…I mean THEY…could never master.

If you need this help, you hire Hitch. He won't help you if you're just out to get you some…as he puts it; he only helps people "that actually LIKE women". Plus, he only works on referral…he doesn't advertise. Think of him as the A-Team crossed with Cupid, except without the crazy pilot, gold chains, and Mohawk. They actually may have missed an opportunity here by not casting Mr. T in the lead role, but I think that about every movie.

"Yeah, uh, Kevin, I don't know how to tell you this, but that's not the most...MASCULINE pose in the world..."

A perfect example is Albert (James). He's a chubby, clumsy, but generally likable doofus with a problem. He's madly in love with a woman named Allegra Cole (Amber Valletta). The wrinkle, or "hitch" (Get it! Oh mercy…the "hitch"…I slay me…) is that he's actually a junior accountant that works for her. It turns out that Allegra is a jet-setting socialite and heiress, presumably to a massive allergy-relief fortune. Think Paris Hilton without the sex tapes, single digit IQ, and propensity for being a vapid whore. Albert is part of a team that oversees her finances. Not exactly a recipe for romance, but that's where Hitch comes in.

She's also tabloid fodder, which is where gossip columnist Sara (Eva Mendes) comes in. For some reason Mendes is obsessed with tracking every single thing that happens to Allegra and splashing it across the pages of her trashy newspaper, which is definitely NOT the New York Post…honestly.

"What? Brad and Jen broke up? When did THAT happen?"

In a coincidence so improbable that it could only happen in a movie, Sara is also a commitment-phobic man-hater who catches Hitch's eye. This is odd because he's normally pretty commitment-phobic himself. There's another wrinkle, or "hitch" (I did it again! Oh my…how do I do it?) Despite normally being slicker than Alec Baldwin's hair, he just can't seem to get it together with her. Things just don't seem to go his way when he's around her…disaster just keeps striking. Oh irony, thy name is Fresh Prince.

Oh, and if all this wooing and coincidences aren't enough, there's one final…wait for it…"hitch". (The comedy trifecta! Oh, the witty wordplay I come up with…what a gift…) Sara is also looking into the so-called urban legend of the "date doctor", hoping to expose him. What are the ODDS?

"Will? Don't look now, but there are about a dozen people watching us on the web right now..."

This could have been a standard-issue romantic comedy, but it has a lot of things going for it. The movie's biggest asset is Smith himself. Now, you're going to have to bear with me…if you'd told me back in the late 80's when I was a teenage critic-in-training that The Fresh Prince would turn out to be a talented actor, I'd have laughed until my ability to hold my water was compromised. Then again, I was drunk a lot, so that happened a fair bit. The character is well defined, and with Smith's performance he becomes one of the most likable romantic comedy heroes in recent memory. Then again, that field is pretty thin, so that's not saying much. I mean, to say he's better than Ben Affleck in Gigli is like saying that Dom Perignon is better than toilet water.

Also very good is Kevin James as Albert. His character isn't actually all that different from the lovable doofus he plays on King Of Queens, but he's got a hell of a lot more to work with here. Plus, as a comedy team, Smith and James have perfect chemistry and timing. The scenes with these two together are among the best in the movie. As for the ladies, Mendes delivers her usual solid performance. Valetta is good too, but I'll confess I spent more time just staring at her than really drinking in the subtle nuances of her performance.

"Aw, shucks...that's sweet. You still have to keep away from me, but you're sweet anyway."

But none of this would mean a thing if this wasn't a smartly written movie, and first-time screenwriter Kevin Bisch knocked this one out of the park. It would be easy for Hitch to come off as some sort of smug lothario or worse, but he doesn't. The banter between the characters, especially Hitch and Sara, is top notch. The scene where they first meet in a bar and banter about lame bar pick-ups is incredibly clever and sets the tone between the two of them perfectly. It's just smart, funny writing, balanced out with just the right amount of physical comedy.

The best way to sum Hitch up is to just say that I laughed solidly through the entire movie. The ending drags on about 10 minutes too long, but that's the only real flaw. Other than that, it's a genuinely funny comedy…which is, sadly, a rarity these days. It's definitely worth checking out.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go and practice some of Hitch's smooth moves. After all, you never know when Elisha's gonna come knocking at my door…

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