Elektra
Starring: Jennifer Garner, Goran Visnjic
Directed by: Rob Bowman

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Rating: 2.5 (out of 5)

I've got a riddle for you? What do you get when you combine Jennifer Garner, revealing red satin, and some serious ass-kicking martial arts action?

The answer: You get the reason why your buddy Naked has been taking 25-minute showers recently. Oh, you also get Elektra.

I went into this movie as part of a serious minority. I'm one of about 4 people worldwide who actually thoroughly enjoyed the Daredevil movie. It's not that I'm unaware of its flaws…Daredevil has more plot holes, bad logic, and questionable acting than a sweeps-week episode of Desperate Housewives. But being a life-long Daredevil fan, I gleefully put all my reservations aside and just enjoyed the hell out of it.

Great Caesar's Ghost...I think I've just found my computer's new wallpaper.

That having been said, I had some reservations about Elektra, the biggest one being Jennifer Garner herself. I'm a fan of hers, and I even liked her in 13 Going On 30. But I HATED her as Elektra in Daredevil…I just didn't buy her as a bad ass. Nobody who allows themselves to be seduced by Ben Affleck can really be characterized as "tough"…and besides which, HE was supposed to be the blind one, not her. She was tougher to swallow than a Moon Over My Hammy breakfast at Denny's.

This time though, she's got the tough down pat. It's most of the rest of the movie that's the problem. It can be described the same way most women I've ever dated have described me…somewhat limp and leaving a lot to be desired.

As the movie begins, we meet some dude named DeMarco (Jason Isaacs). He's sitting in front of a nice, toasty fire, having himself a refreshing glass of scotch, and whining like a little bitch. He's also being protected by a bunch of machine-gun-packing security dudes, so you'd think that even THAT would calm him down. But no…whine whine whine. He tells a Generic Security Guy named Bauer (Mark Houghton) that an assassin named Elektra is coming to get him, and that she can't be stopped. Bauer scoffs and says that Elektra is an "urban legend"…apparently he looked her up on Snopes or something. But no, DeMarco goes on and on about how he's gone through two security teams already, and they all wind up dead at Elektra's hands.

Elektra's Rules Of Combat #41...Want to drop an opponent? Stab him in the berries when he does this.

An aside: Okay…stop right there. So…you're telling me that she's already killed DOZENS of people hired to protect you…and you respond by hiring more goons? Is it not PLAINLY FUCKING OBVIOUS that these new goons are going to get killed too? I mean, let's ignore for a moment that you've basically just doomed a bunch of hired goons to their untimely demise (because, you know, they're goons…fuck them) but isn't this an INCREDIBLE WASTE OF MONEY? Why not just burn the money in a fire? Or spend it all on Clay Aiken CDs? I mean if you're going to WASTE the money, you could just donate it to ME for crissakes. Or, even better, use some thousand dollar bills to roll some 4:20's and smoke away…worst case scenario, you can't get any more paranoid, and best case scenario, maybe you'll mellow out and shut the fuck up.

But no, he just drones on and on about Elektra and how she's let him live so he can feel scared. Bauer, meanwhile, is freaking out because now his entire hired goon team is dead, which means he's going to have some uncomfortable phone calls to make to their goon-widows. And that in turn will cause shit with the goon-widows' families. Mothers will be lecturing them, saying, "You know, I TOLD you this would happen when you married him. He's a goon! You could have married that nice Myron boy…he's a dentist now. You don't see HIM being murdered by a scantily clad assassin-for-hire, do you? But fine, don't listen to me…I'm only your mother." Then the goon-widows will be all like, "You've NEVER supported me, Mom! Why do you have to DO that?" It's basically just going to cause problems all over. But I digress (for a change).

Oh wow. Somebody's been reading my Dream Book...

Fortunately, Bauer is spared from having to deliver the bad news, as he quickly winds up deader than disco. Leaving only DeMarco, sitting by the fire, sipping his scotch, and just yammering on and on about how now he's going to die. No wonder there's a contract out on his life. It's obviously worth a lot of money to somebody to get this fucknozzle to finally stop talking. Hell, I was ready to kick in $20 myself. Finally, Elektra does us all a favour and soundly perforates him with a sai…always my favourite ninja weapon of choice. (Go Rafael!!) But just before that, she mentions that death isn't that bad, because she died once. I know what she means…I had a heart attack the second I saw her in her blood-red body-clinging satin outfit. But it was worth it.

But yeah, as it turns out, she DID die back in Daredevil. This makes the fact that she's alive and killing people rather peculiar to say the least. But remember, this is based on a comic book character, and they NEVER die. There's always some lame-ass reason that they get resurrected. Superman, Phoenix, Colossus, Green Arrow…and even the comic book incarnation of Elektra…all dead and brought back to life. These damn superheroes are harder to kill than roaches.

As it turns out, Jennifer Garner once dated Ted Nugent.

In her case, she was resurrected by some blind dude named Stick (Terrence Stamp) who has a power called Kimagure. He then brought her to his training facility to teach her. Elektra also has this Kimagure power, but to a much lesser extent. She can see a few seconds into the future, but that's it…she hasn't really learned its full potential yet. That's because Stick booted her shapely ass out for being too hot-headed.

As a result, she became an assassin, cutting all ties to the world and becoming essentially a loner. The only person she has any contact with is her "agent" McCabe (Colin Cunningham). Yes, assassins have agents, too. How else are they supposed to get those lucrative endorsement deals for cereals, shoes, and lethal weaponry? Come on, it makes perfect sense.

Oh, we also learn that Elektra has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Maybe it's just me, but a scorching case of OCD doesn't seem like a positive trait for an assassin to have, although I'm sure that after she kills a bunch of goons, she spends a few hours getting the floors clean as a whistle, which is nice. Those crime scenes are a bitch to tidy up after. Anyway, it's important that we realize that Elektra has OCD because…um, well…okay, it's not important. It's mentioned in passing a couple of times and completely ignored throughout the rest of the movie. It's completely fucking pointless.

Please make your own "Jennifer Garner squatting and holding a rod" joke here. I don't have the energy.

She says she wants to take a break, but some dude is offering her two million smackers for a job. The only condition is that she has to show up two days early, just before Christmas. Now, the fact that she has to get there 2 days early, and that it's Christmas…see, THAT'S important because…oh, wait, no it's not.

She gets to her rental house and starts playing the waiting game. While there, she meets an adorable neighbour named Abby Miller (Kirsten Prout) who rolls out the welcome wagon by breaking into her house and trying to steal Elektra's necklace. This is kind of odd…most neighbours just bring a ham. Shortly after afterwards, she meets Abby's dad Mark (Visnjic). They're apparently the only two other people on this island. I wonder what THEIR relevance could be?

And now…okay, this just stuns me. Abby, for whatever reason, decides Dad needs to get laid. So she tricks the bitter, angry loner who just moved in next door -- who she got caught STEALING from -- over for Christmas dinner. Because if there's one thing that 12-year-old girls with dead mothers like to do, it's making sure that Dad gets his knob polished every once in a while. No, I don't get it either…but moving on.

"You've left the seat up for the LAST TIME!!!"

SURPRISE! Elektra and Mark wind up tongue-wrestling on their porch. Because what would a movie be without an awkward, forced romance?

But that goddess irony…she is a bitch. In a wacky plot twist, it turns out that Mark and Abby are the people she's supposed to bump off. D'OH! What a SHOCKING TWIST. Of course, this cold-hearted killer obviously has a soft spot for juvenile delinquents and hot Croatian loving…as we all do. She refuses the job.

Just one problem…there's a sinister cabal of Japanese businessmen who want Mark dead, and all because they're after "The Treasure". So they send a band of badass ninja assassins known as "The Hand" after him. Fortunately, Mark now has a badass on his side, and Elektra dispatches them like a bag of overcooked microwave popcorn…except that popcorn doesn't evaporate into yellowish dust when dispatched with. At least, not the good brands.

Canada Geese have just gotten lazy with their migration recently.

So it's up to The Hand's A-Team to finish the job. They include Kirigi (Will Yun Lee) - a swordsman, Tattoo (Chris Ackerman) - a creepy guy who's animal tattoos come to life, Stone (Bob Sapp) - who's skin cannot be broken, Kinkou (Edson T. Ribiero) - who apparently has superhuman balance, (Oooh! Scary! He can't be beaten at Jenga!) and Typhoid (Natassia Malthe) - who kills everything she touches, which is bad news for the guys she brings home after margarita night at TGI Fridays.

So Elektra heads out to find Stick, because they need his help, and blah blah blah.

For everything I liked about Elektra, there's something I really disliked. Add them together, and you get an action film that's crushingly mediocre.

Yup...that's General Zod himself, about to cop himself a feel. I hate General Zod...

Mostly, it's the seriously flawed logic of the script that gets my dander up. It turns out that Stick banished Elektra as part of a test that would send her on the path to redemption, or some such bullshit. And, oddly enough, the path to redemption involves becoming an assassin and killing all sorts of people, including God-knows-how-many anonymous hired goons. Who knew paid murder could be so redeeming?

Then there's the OCD thing. I was digging this…it would have added another element to a fairly complicated character, which in turn would make for a more interesting movie. But instead, it's mentioned in passing and then forgotten about. That's like letting your dinner guests smell the filet mignon and then forgetting to serve it. Folks, if you're going to set up something like this, have the stones to follow through on it.

Of course, there's also the forced romance, but if I'm going to pick on that I might as well pick on every action movie ever made. Why filmmakers insist on putting romance where it doesn't belong, I'll never know. I guess they just think we're stupid or something. But hey, we keep going to see these movies, so the joke's on us.

"I think that Chinese food I ate had a LITTLE too much MSG this time..." ... give it a second...think about it...THERE you go!

On the plus side is, of course, Garner. Sweet, sweet Garner. She's better this time than she was in Daredevil. Her character is a lot more entertaining to watch, and she's fairly believable as an icy-cold killer who's hesitant to let her guard down. Plus, of any actress working today, she's arguably the best when it comes to kicking ass. She's good at it and, most importantly, she looks good doing it.

For the most part, the rest of the cast is flat. Stamp looks embarrassed to be there, and Visnjic displays all the charisma and range of a cactus. He's basically the "damsel in distress" and spends most of the film just standing around and looking pretty.

The one exception is Prout as Abby. This girl has got skill, and as the movie progresses, she becomes just as interesting a character as Elektra herself. Actually more so, since they don't bother introducing potentially fascinating elements to her that get immediately forgotten. I'd go so far as to say that she actually carries the final third of the film…not bad for a young kid.

No, wait...THIS is my computer's new wallpaper! No, wait, the other one. Oh...please don't make me decide...

The fight scenes are pretty good…but my quibble is that there aren't enough of them. I'm not a huge action movie fan as a rule, but this is one movie where I'd have liked to see more ass kicking. Especially considering how hot Garner looks when she's doing it.

I can't recommend Elektra, but I'm stopping short of panning it as well. It's right on the line for me. If you like Garner, you might like it. Otherwise, it's hard to feel strongly about one way or another.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a 25-minute shower to take.

Oh great googly moogly...maybe all these pics can take turns being my new wallpaper.

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