January 2nd, 2005!!!

2004 In Review...Overly-Long Profane Review, But Still...

Wow…what a year. I began the year employed and utterly unappreciated, and ended it, well, slightly less employed and unappreciated. I guess the more things change…

I managed to move, trading a loud, annoying white trash neighbour for a mooching, annoying white trash neighbour. I saw more movies than last year, but found the time to write about fewer. I launched a website, not realizing that I lacked the time to maintain it properly or - more to the point - design it properly.

But you guys don't want to hear about all that. What YOU want to know about is my YEAR IN REVIEW - movies-wise.

In 2004, I published roughly 50 reviews on my site. That's almost one a week, which is admittedly disappointing. Especially when you realize that my August-to-December tally in 2003 was 34. Part of it is that now that I've got the site, reviews take a lot longer than they did before. Part of it is due to work and/or stress. There were a lot of really good movies I just never got around to reviewing, so for the sake of inclusion, I'm going to take them into consideration as well. And these are the movies I SAW in 2004…many of them were released earlier.

So…away we go.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR:
CLIVE OWEN - CLOSER
RUNNERS-UP: ALEC BALDWIN - THE COOLER, STEVE CARELL - ANCHORMAN: THE LEGEND OF RON BURGUNDY

Carell was the funniest person in a hilarious movie, and Baldwin was the best he's been since Glengarry Glen Ross. Seriously…he managed to almost make me forget the rest of the Baldwin clan. Almost. But my vote goes to Owen, for his portrayal of a jealous, needy, somewhat perverted, and entirely unlikable doctor in Mike Nichols' Closer. And that's in a movie that's all ABOUT unlikable characters. If he doesn't get the hardware come awards season, then there's no justice. I've been a fan of his work since Croupier and this is by far his best performance.

WORST SUPPORTING ACTOR:
FRANK PERETTI - HANGMAN'S CURSE
RUNNERS-UP: MARC ANTHONY - MAN ON FIRE, JACOB PITTS - EUROTRIP

Pitts is nothing more than a less-talented, younger David Spade. Think Spade from that Police Academy movie he did where he played a skateboarder. He's worse. And Marc Anthony is apparently good for one thing…banging Jennifer Lopez. Dude, Ben Affleck's a better actor, and probably gave it to her better, too. But the WORST is Peretti. Not only is he responsible for WRITING this abomination, but his "performance" is nothing more than a non-actor pretending to be Christopher Lloyd and failing miserably. Worst performance of the year, period, hands down.

MOST DISAPPOINTING SUPPORTING ACTOR:
JACK BLACK - ENVY
RUNNER-UP: SNOOP DOGG - SOUL PLANE

Both of these guys can be really funny. Black's performance in High Fidelity is one of my all time faves, while Snoop can be pretty funny as well. However, my vote goes for Black, because they took everything he's GOOD at away from him.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS:
MARCIA GAY HARDEN - MYSTIC RIVER
RUNNERS-UP: NATALIE PORTMAN - CLOSER, CLORIS LEACHMAN - SPANGLISH

Wow. In a movie full of complicated characters and wonderful performances, hers is the one that stood out the most for me. She may not have won the Oscar, but I preferred her performance over Penn's and Robbins', and that's saying a lot. Bravo. Other than Owen, Portman OWNED Closer. It's another complex, difficult performance from a young woman who's been playing complex characters since she got started in this business as a kid. Leachman is good as well, but doesn't QUITE make the grade because of the gross mishandling of her character by writer-director James L Brooks.

WORST SUPPORTING ACTRESS:
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES - THE TERMINAL
RUNNERS-UP: THE CAST OF SOUL PLANE

I rarely hate a performance as much as I hated Mrs. Michael Douglas in this otherwise entertaining and under-rated movie. Not only did she suck, but she made no apparent effort NOT to suck. Even the rampant stereotyping of both white and black women in Soul Plane was worse than the abysmal performance by Zeta-Jones. I sincerely hope her over-inflated paycheck didn't clear.

BEST BREASTS ALMOST BARED BY AN ACTRESS:
ELISHA CUTHBERT - THE GIRL NEXT DOOR
RUNNERS-UP: KIRSTEN DUNST - SPIDER-MAN 2 AND ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND, NATALIE PORTMAN - CLOSER

Do I need to say anything else? I'll give a million bucks for an Elisha Cuthbert nude scene. Hollywood please take note. A dollar a year for a million years. I'm good for it.

BEST ACTOR:
JIM CARREY - ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND
RUNNERS-UP: ZACH BRAFF - GARDEN STATE, SEAN PENN - MYSTIC RIVER, JUDE LAW - CLOSER

Carrey always has been a great actor, but he's never been better than he is here. It's like the performance he's been waiting his whole life to give. The pain, the depression, …it's all here. And THIS is a person who once talked out of his anus in a movie. Braff, Penn, and Law are all career-best this year, but Carrey just plain out-acted them all…and that's saying something. If you want to act, watch Carrey in this movie…THAT'S how it's done, folks.

WORST ACTOR:
JOHNNY MESSNER - ANACONDAS: THE HUNT FOR THE BLOOD ORCHID

This was no contest. I've never seen less charisma or talent on display. At least Justin Guarini TRIED in From Justin To Kelly, but this pathetic zero doesn't even put THAT much effort into it. He's the cinematic equivalent of watching paint dry, only less interesting. Plus he's a dickweed to boot. Fuck Johnny Messner…fuck him in the ass with a rusty garden weasel.

BEST ACTRESS:
JENNIFER GARNER - 13 GOING ON 30
RUNNERS UP: KATE WINSLET - ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND, NATALIE PORTMAN - GARDEN STATE

Of all my decisions, this will probably be the one that raises the most eyebrows. But I don't care. Garner took a 2nd rate script - which had been DONE BEFORE - and turned it into an endearing cinematic equivalent of ice cream…sweet, smooth, and too much fun to ignore. Of all the people ever cast in similar roles, she's my favourite. She played the 13-year-old-girl-in-an-insanely-hot-body to perfection. I still think that she was better than Tom Hanks in Big. Winslet and Portman are always good, but Garner was absolutely wonderful. Plus, did I MENTION how hot she is? Sweet merciful crap, she makes me weak in the knees.

WORST ACTRESS:
LUCIANA PEDRAZA - ASSASSINATION TANGO
RUNNER-UP: KATE BECKINSALE - VAN HELSING

She's the Latina equivalent of Johnny Messner. Plus, she has to pretend to be somewhat interested in Robert Duvall, a contract killer roughly 192 years her senior. Sure, she can dance…but so can Patrick Swayze, and look at HIS career. Beckinsale is a close second though…anyone playing opposite Hugh Jackman who CAN'T BRING HERSELF to look like she's interested in him deserves to have her SAG card burned in a bonfire…along with every other print and DVD of Van Helsing that exists. Having a great ass does not an actress make...otherwise, Jenna Jameson would have won 5 Oscars by now.

BEST OVERALL MOVIE "MOMENT":
"KNIGHTS" FROM SHREK 2
CLOSE RUNNER UP: JON HEDER'S DANCE IN NAPOLEON DYNAMITE

Heder, as I've mentioned before, gives the single greatest dance scene since Saturday Night Fever. It's tough to describe without ruining, but it's pretty much the best dance scene by a Mormon ever, and plays it perfectly, never breaking character. But it gets SLIGHTLY edged out by the Cops parody in Shrek 2. I laughed so hard at this the first time I saw it that I literally cried. And the second time, I saw a lot of things I didn't see the first time because I'd been too busy laughing. To this day, I giggle every time I think of the pepper "spray" gag. And all Morn has to say to me is "It's no' mine" in her Puss N Boots voice to make me laugh myself stupid. In closing, let me just say, "We're in pursuit of a white bronco."

WORST OVERALL MOVIE "MOMENT":
A 5-YEAR-OLD KID PRETENDING TO BE HITLER - EUROTRIP
RUNNER-UP: A BLIND MAN FINGER-BANGING A BAKED POTATO - SOUL PLANE

This was a toss-up. Both of these scenes were so tasteless, I literally wished bodily harm on the people responsible. "Eurotrip" gets the "victory" for 2 reasons. One of them being that a blind, black "PLAYA" was never responsible for the murder of six million people. I mean, finger-banging a baked potato is bad. But making a young child who doesn't fucking KNOW ANY BETTER goose-step and seig-heil with a Hitler moustache is completely inexcusable. Everyone responsible for this scene - with the POSSIBLE exception of the kid - should be forced to spend a month in Auschwitz…circa 1944. Fuck them all in the ear…they deserve it.

BEST SCENE IN A BAD MOVIE:
SNOOP VOWING TO FLY A PLANE INTO A MOUNTAIN IN SOUL PLANE
RUNNER-UP: MATT DAMON SINGING "SCOTTY DOESN'T KNOW" IN EUROTRIP

As bad as Soul Plane was, Snoop's vowing to kill everyone on the plane to "get back" at his ex for child support payments cracked me right up. Of course, it was the only funny scene in a horrible movie, but it still got a big laugh out of me. As for the Eurotrip gag…it was pretty damn funny as well. Matt Damon should know better, but as cameos go, he could do worse. Plus he sings nu-punk pretty well.

BEST MOVIE I DIDN'T REVIEW:
MYSTIC RIVER
RUNNERS-UP: THE LAST SAMURAI , SUPER-SIZE ME

What can you say about this movie that hasn't been said already? Every single performance was note-perfect. Eastwood's direction was sublime. I didn't think the novel would translate THIS well to the screen, and I'm glad I was wrong.
In Samurai, Ken Watanabe's performance alone is worth watching this epic-level historical drama. But the entire movie is pretty damn good. Tom Cruise just gets better and better the older he gets. As for Super-Size Me, I'm defending this movie a lot. So let me say it one final time…YES, everyone knows that eating a lot of fast food is bad for you. He did it to PROVE A POINT, and very effectively as well, I might add. And YES, I still eat mostly fast food. In fact, as soon as the movie ended I went right into the McDonald's next door and ordered a Double Quarter Pounder With Cheese…the worst thing on their menu. And it was delicious.

WORST MOVIE THAT I DIDN'T REVIEW:
GOTHIKA
RUNNER-UP: THE FORGOTTEN
Sweet merciful crap, but Gothika was horrific. Not scary, just bad. As for The Forgotten, I quite literally "forgot" to review it. It's not so much bad as it is pathetic and easily - well - forgotten.

BEST MOVIE THAT I COULDN'T REVIEW:
FAHRENHEIT 9/11

Let's leave politics out of it, shall we? In the grand scheme of things, I can't make jokes about this movie. But I WILL say that despite my mistrust of Michael Moore's methods, you can't ignore this movie. Call him a manipulator all you want - I know I do, and I'm a big ol' Lefty myself. But this is a movie that will stay with you the rest of your life…propaganda or not. Even my politically apathetic ex-boss was stunned by this film.

THE "MEH" AWARDS
This is a new category for movies and DVSs that I just couldn't get around to writing reviews about…or just couldn't be bothered to watch.

"MEH" AWARD - MOVIES I'VE SEEN: CONNIE AND CARLA
It's actually better than you'd think. Decent performances, even by Nia Vardalos, who already LOOKS like a drag queen. And David Duchovny is actually fun to watch too in a part that could have been a lot more boring and underwritten. But, you know…it just doesn't inspire my special brand of insightful commentary. Watch it on a rainy day when there's nothing else on. Then you can shrug and say "meh".

"MEH" AWARD - MOVIES I HAVEN'T SEEN: GARFIELD: THE MOVIE
I've had this for months. I just can't do it. For me, Garfield stopped being funny in about 1984, when I was 12 years old. I got into good comic strips like Bloom County, Doonesbury, and Calvin And Hobbes. By then, fat lasagna-loving cats just didn't do it for me any more. 20 years later, Garfield still pretty much sucks. It's not "The Born Loser" awful, but close. And yet, you want me to watch a MOVIE version of it starring a CGI Garfield??? No thanks…and "meh". I'd rather watch Extreme Dodgeball on GSN.

GUILTY PLEASURE OF THE YEAR
TIE: ANCHORMAN: THE LEGEND OF RON BURGUNDY, DODGEBALL: A TRUE UNDERDOG STORY

I'm not really a fan of the "dumb" humour, but these two movies made me laugh more in their combined 4 hours than I did the rest of the year. Then again, I also laugh at Jackass, and when I "Dutch Oven" people in my bed, so I'm pretty fucking immature.

WORST ACCENT OF THE YEAR:
KATE BECKINSALE - VAN HELSING
RUNNER-UP: MEG RYAN - AGAINST THE ROPES

Goddamn it, Kate. You're HOT. Stop making these shitty supernatural movies! And if you do, spend 10 bucks an hour on a dialogue coach…I'm BEGGING you. As for Meg Ryan, she sported the worst tough-girl acceny I've heard since Welcome Back, Kotter was a hit. Here's a tip…if you're tough-girl voice is less convincing than Marisa Tomei in My Cousin Vinnie, then you need the help. That's all I'm saying.

SURPRISE OF THE YEAR:
THE BUTTERFLY EFFECT
RUNNERS-UP: OPEN WATER, WHITE CHICKS, THE GRUDGE, DAWN OF THE DEAD
The second-most controversial entry on this list. A lot of people hated it, and I can see why. But even more people hated the "Director's Cut" ending, which I loved. A movie that I figured would be a joke turned out to be a damn enjoyable thriller. And, before you call "Bullshit" on me, it's also the movie that the most people came to me and said "Hey, you were right…that was actually pretty good" about. So there. As for the rest, Open Water came out of nowhere and rocked my world. And I was expecting to HATE HATE HATE White Chicks and the "re-imagining" of Dawn Of The Dead and I enjoyed them both.

DISAPPOINTMENT OF THE YEAR:
THE VILLAGE
RUNNERS-UP: COLLATERAL, SPANGLISH, TEAM AMERICA: WORLD POLICE
Other than Bryce Dallas Howard's excellent performance, there's precious little to like about The Village. It's got the worst "twist" I've ever seen, and I'm including Z-grade Troma films here. The other three were movies I'd figured that I'd love, and they all just let me down. Apparently, I'm in a serious minority when it comes to Collateral, but I'm not taking it back…It was the best build-up to the worst finale all year, in my opinion. At least Jamie Foxx is getting props for it…the script wasn't his fault, and he was excellent.

MOVIE I'M MOST PROUD OF WEASELLING OUT OF:
TAXI
I was supposed to review this for Day Job. I sent Johnny Pintauro instead. And I'm glad…even if he still hates me for it. In my defence, I also had to send him to see I Heart Huckabees, which is apparently pretty good. You'd think that would make up for it, but nooooo…

FIVE MOVIES I JUST HAVEN'T GOTTEN AROUND TO SEEING YET:
LORD OF THE RINGS: RETURN OF THE KING
KILL BILL VOL. 2
THE AVIATOR
FINDING NEVERLAND
PHANTOM OF THE OPERA
I'm gonna see them…I have access to all of them. But, you know, for reasons ranging from work to ennui, sometimes it's just easier to stay home and watch Arrested Development.

BEST MOVIE OF THE YEAR:
ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND
RUNNERS-UP: GARDEN STATE, CLOSER, SHAUN OF THE DEAD

Okay, I technically haven't reviewed SHAUN yet, but let me say this…it's fantastic as both a horror film and a comedy. The Queen "Nothing's Gonna Stop Me Now" scene just BARELY missed my "Moments" list, as did Shaun climbing up the kiddie-slide to look over the fence. But since I didn't technically "review" it this year, I couldn't really include it. (Full review next week…I promise) Closer was awesome, but not QUITE there. Garden State was a movie that I rated too low after my initial viewing…after seeing it 3 times, it's a 4.5 out of 5. But without getting into too many details, ETERNAL SUNSHINE actually changed my life. I sincerely view things differently after seeing it. And that element of it - "life changing" - means I undersold it as well. It's a 5…one of very few movies that I would ever rate that highly. It's not only one of the best movies that I saw this year, but it's one of the best I've ever seen…period.

WORST MOVIE OF THE YEAR:
VAN HELSING
RUNNERS-UP: HANGMAN'S CURSE, SOUL PLANE, EUROTRIP

Van Helsing gets this award simply because it COULD have been so much better. The other movies had no chance to be good. But Van Helsing COULD have been decent. Yet, it was terrible…abysmal…a crime against humanity. Oh Hugh…how could you?

So there's my list for 2004. Tune in this time next year for my 2005 list. Or, you know, keep reading. Either way is cool with me.

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