Spanglish
Starring: Paz Vega, Adam Sandler
Written and Directed by: James L. Brooks

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Rating: 2.5 (out of 5)

Back in my mullet-wearing, Guns 'N' Roses listening, binge-drinking-in-between-classes high school days, I loved the movies arguably as much as I do now. In fact, I'd often go to movies myself, and then lie about it afterwards, because going to movies alone is considered a "weird" thing to do. But every once in a while, I'd go on the famous "double-date".

It went like this…my friend Tur and I would be going out with two girls. We'd pick a movie that we had no intention of watching in order to get a little "face time" with the ladies. One time, we picked "Broadcast News" as the movie to be ignored.

It didn't work. I loved every single solitary frame of that movie, and wouldn't look away. I even managed to enjoy it despite the loud lip sounds and attempted finger-banging on one side of me. On the other side, I was consistently pestered with whispered comments like "Are you going to watch ALL of this stupid movie?" and "I'm getting loooonely…" This actually happened more than once. Now that I think about it, that's probably why I wasn't scoring when all my other friends were…and might explain those "gay" rumours some of these girls floated around.

"Oh look! It's another long, pointless anecdote! I'd better get another one of these and settle in..."

But I really loved "Broadcast News". I mean, here was a movie that was funny…but SMART funny! It wasn't all lame slapstick and frat-boy hijinks. And it wasn't afraid to be a little sad, either. To this day, Joan Cusack's "100-yard-dash" with a tape in her hand remains one of my top 10 favourite scenes ever filmed.

As a result, I've always looked forward to the films of James L. Brooks. Which is why I'm so, so, SO disappointed with Brooks over "Spanglish". He's capable of making some of the best bittersweet comedies you'll ever see…and this time, it seems like he just ASSUMED it would be great. But it's not.

Although it's being billed as an Adam Sandler movie (and boy, are Waterboy fans EVER gonna be pissed off when they see this!), the real star of the movie is the astonishingly beautiful Spanish actress Paz Vega. She plays a Mexican single mother named Flor here…and is easily my nominee for MILF Of The Year at the next Oscars…if they take my advice about adding it as a category.

"Oh! Nice! Uh, Cristina, what it mean, this 'MILF'?"

As the movie opens, an admissions team from Princeton University is sorting through scholarship applications. The theme of the essays on the applications is "Who I Admire Most", and I'm a little perturbed. It takes a sharp eye to notice this, but one of the applications that sits in what looks like the "reject" pile is MY application. I wrote those fuckers a long, detailed, passionate explanation about why the person I admire most is Edd "Kookie" Byrnes from the television classic "77 Sunset Strip". REJECTED? How DARE they! Not only was Byrnes the anchor in that cast, but he was also a recording artist! "Kookie, Lend Me Your Comb" belongs in the annals of the greatest American novelty songs along with "The Streak", "Eat It", and Madonna's cover of "American Pie"! If you can find me someone who deserves to be admired more than Edd, I'd like to hear it, junior.

Anyway, the application is from Cristina, Flor's daughter. And naturally, the person who she admires most is her Mom. At that point, the 2+ hour flashback begins.

The first thing that Flor does that Cristina admires is sneaking across the border so she can work illegally in Los Angeles. I'm not so sure that blatantly ignoring immigration law is something that should be admired, per se. But hey, if it works for Bernard Kerik, it works for me.

After working at two low-paying jobs in order to get them by, Flor discovers that Cristina has discovered boys…or, at the very least, they've discovered HER. So, she needs to find a better paying single job so that she can watch over her daughter like a hawk. Nothing says "role model" like smothering your adolescent child with more attention than they need.

"Adam...did you just 'dutch oven' me?"

Enter the Clasky family, who just happen to be in the market for an illegal-alien housekeeper…a rarity among rich families in California, as I understand it. At the "interview", we meet most of the clan. There's Deb (Tea Leoni), a type-a personality and a class-a bitch. Then there's Evelyn (Cloris Leachman), a former Jazz singer and class-a souse, and daughter Bernice (Sarah Steele), a sweet girl and class-a-plus young actress…but we'll get to her incredible performance in a moment. Rounding out the clan so far is son Georgie (Ian Hyland). Place close attention, because he more or less disappears after this scene. Seriously, the poor kid's got about 4 lines in the entire movie and less than 2 minutes of screen time. Why bother even WRITING the character if you're not going to do anything with him? Gary Coleman got more screen time on "Diff'rent Strokes" when he was in the hospital getting his kidney swapped out.

Later, we meet the patriarch of the clan, John (Sandler). He plays a successful chef and restaurateur, as well as The Nicest Guy In The World. And, sorry kids, not once does he do his retard voice and squeal "Abby Doobie". You'll have to wait for "Billy Madison 2" for that.

Things You'll Never See In California: White Man Cooks For Latina Woman

Flor gets hired, although WHY she gets hired is a bit of a mystery. It's not so much that she can't do the job…it's just that they don't NEED a fucking housekeeper. Think about it…Deb doesn't work, she just spends her days making people feel bad about themselves. Evelyn doesn't work, she just spends her days drinking like a Kennedy. Bernice goes to school, so she's gone half the day. The other kid has essentially disappeared by now, so the only way he could POSSIBLY be making a mess is if he's secretly "Not Me" of Family Circus fame. And John works all day, but he's a CHEF so you've got to know that cooking isn't in Flor's job description. They could easily save the $650 a week they're paying her if Deb and Evelyn would just pick up a fucking mop or cloth a couple of times a week.

As a result, Flor has a lot of time to sort of drink in what's going on in the family, even though she doesn't speak a word of English. Of course, in ANY language, Deb is a horrible human being who deserves to have a piano dropped on her head. Daughter Bernice is, well, chubby. Mom is constantly berating her for it. When Bernice makes a delicious dish - taking after her father - Deb responds by telling her "You don't need that, you know." Later, she buys Bernice some clothes…a joyous moment in any young girl's life, I'd imagine. Except that the clothes she buys are a size too small. Deb responds by telling her that it's just more reason for her to lose weight. Folks, 20 minutes into the movie, I was hoping that there would be a scene where Deb gets kicked right in the fallopian tubes.

"Wouldn't it be DREAMY if Mom died in bed? Like the Menendez parents?"

Meanwhile, she's just as rough on John. His success seems to be all that matters or defines her. The shmuck gets berated for business decisions that could cost them a few bucks, and rewarded with awkward sex when he succeeds. Meanwhile, the poor guy essentially lives in fear of being too successful. He's afraid of getting a good review, because it might "change" the nice, casual atmosphere of his restaurant.

Flor doesn't tell the family that she has a daughter of her own. But that doesn't prevent her from mild interference in the Clasky's life, but hey, if she wants to butt in, that's her business. It comes to a head when the Claskys decide to rent a summer home…they want Flor to come along, naturally, because now there's an even smaller house that nobody can be bothered to clean.

"Flor! Come back! I dropped a Cheerio on the floor and I don't know how to pick it up!"

Finally, she cops to the fact that she's got a rugrat of her own. The Claskys graciously invite her to bring the little moppet along with her. The problem is that Cristina is prettier and smarter than poor, pudgy Bernice. As a result, Deb more or less kidnaps the kid and tries to make Cristina her own. Chaos, naturally, ensues. But not the good sort of chaos…more of a bitter undertone of anger that never actually gets addressed by anyone but Flor.

And, during all this, John and Flor kinda sorta fall in love a little bit.

There's no one huge part of Spanglish that I hated. It's a bunch of little things. The only big elements are the ones I liked…especially the performances.

For starters, Sandler is wonderful. He's not quite as good as he was in "Punch Drunk Love", but he also has a lot less to work with. One of these days, he's going to make a fantastic dramatic actor…all he needs to do is stop acting all stupid and whiny and irritating in his other movies. For the most part, watching Adam Sandler makes me want to punch him as hard as possible in the anus. But when he's low key and actually ACTS, he's wonderful to watch…even if they did give him a horrible haircut.

"Listen, do YOU know why I'm married to you? Because I can't for the life of me figure it out."

Tea Leoni is evil…but she plays it REALLY well. Cloris Leachman does the best that she can with an underwritten character who seems to exist mostly for comic relief. Vega is fantastic and pretty damn sexy as well.

But young Sarah Steele steals the movie…this kid is a PHENOMENAL young actress making her debut. In the end, hers was the only character I truly gave a rat's ass about, and in an ensemble cast like this, that's saying something. I'd watch this kid act in anything, but Hollywood being what it is, she'll probably work sparingly at best. Because, you know, she's chubby. She's got more talent in her little finger than Lindsay Lohan, Mandy Moore, Hillary Duff, and the rest of those annoying little bitches could ever hope to collectively amass. But the Hollywood Machine will never accept her unless she loses weight and gets a teenage boob-job. Because, you know, how else can they make her a pop singer as well? Stick it out, Sarah…you're better than them.

"You mean I DON'T have to spend my teenage years dressed as a whore and giving middle-aged men erections? THANK YOU, Flor!"

It's not the performances…it's the story. At over 2 hours, you'd think that there would be MORE to these people…but there's not. Elements are constantly introduced that go nowhere. The characters, for the most part, show no fucking backbone at all. It's plainly obvious that Deb is treating young Cristina as a young, surrogate daughter. But her REAL daughter just takes it and pretty much never reacts or stands up for herself. Flor is supposed to be a great role-model for her daughter, but does absolutely nothing to warrant it. She's a fucking housekeeper who kind of flirts with her boss in weak moments. Big fucking deal. If anything, Flor is a potential homewrecker with a conscience. Does her daughter admire her for resisting temptation? We ALL do that, honey, because it's the right thing to do.

This wouldn't bother me if the Cristina character didn't kiss Deb's ass so vehemently. Deb offers her things her mother can't. Cristina wants these things, and resents her mother for trying to stop it. But there's nothing in the entire movie that shows Cristina appreciating her mother…they just yell a lot, with a nice, healthy dose of "You're ruining my LIFE, Mom!" thrown in for seasoning.

And there's one thing that I just CANNOT wrap my head around. I don't want to spoil anything, but one character disappears for a good half hour, and when they show back up, they've made a MAJOR life change with absolutely no explanation. No reason is given for this change, and in terms of the movie, it's pointless. You'll know it when you see it, and it will piss you off as much as it pissed me off. Trust me.

The Romeo & Juliet balcony scene...Spanglish-style

The worst part of it is that there are so many NICE things in this movie. There's a wonderful scene where Cristina has to translate an argument between John and Flor that I would say is one of the top five scenes of the year. Of course, it's ruined by the fact that Flor finally decides to take English lessons on tape and becomes almost fluent within a few weeks.

And the ENDING…sweet Christ, did I HATE the ending. I'm no Hollywood slave, folks. If a movie finishes with some loose ends, for dramatic purposes, I appreciate it. But "Spanglish" doesn't END so much as it just…stops. There are a ton of unresolved storylines and issues…which I won't ruin. And then, with this quickie, tacked on ending, we STILL have no idea why Cristina admires her mother.

We also don't find out if her "essay" gets her into Princeton. But if that's her essay…I think the kid's DeVry-bound at best.

"Say, Jimmy, there looks like there's a bunch of script pages missing here...should I be worried about that?"

The best thing I can say about Spanglish is that it's entertaining build-up with absolutely no follow-through. If it weren't for the truly excellent performances, I wouldn't be on the fence about recommending it. My advice is to wait for the DVD…hopefully, there's a half-hour of deleted scenes that explains everything that was ignored.

Now, if you'll excuse me…actually, I've got nothing. I'm just used to ending reviews this way. Sorry.

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