Closer
Today's Review: Closer
Starring: Jude Law, Julia Roberts
Directed by: Mike Nichols

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Rating: 4.5 (out of 5)

Wow.

Okay, for all you folks who like your movies with lots of explosions, car chases, gun fights, and gratuitous nekkid breasts, I've got to warn you…this might not be the movie for you. "Closer" contains none of the above. This is bad news for all you guys looking for the much-ballyhooed Natalie Portman full-frontal shot. It was cut. You're just going to have to stay at home and slowly undress your Queen Amidala action figures…like I do.

This, actually, is an adult movie. There's a lot of mature conversation…a LOT of it. It's people discussing their feelings, talking about love, betrayal, obsession…you know, all that juicy stuff.

Oh, wait…I should apologize if you read "adult movie" the wrong way. Sorry if I got your hopes up…it's not THAT kind of Adult Movie…you know, the ones you can order on pay per view, or get at that "novelty" store with the opaque windows sandwiched in between the peeler bar and the "massage" parlor. Apparently, you can watch this kind of "adult movie" on the Internet too, but I'll be damned if I can find any. Where do they hide this stuff?

The movie starts off with Dan (Law) and Alice (Portman) walking in different directions down a crowded London street. This, by the way, is one of the only scenes in the entire damn movie where there are more than 2 people on screen. Anyway, they're minding their own business, apparently both listening to the same depressing Damien Rice song (Either that, or, you know, it's the soundtrack) they see each other from across the street, they share a minor moment, and then Alice gets creamed by a big fucking car. I guess she was too busy listening to Damien to notice the traffic.

"Hey pal, my eyes are up here...oh wait, that's where you're looking. Man, I'm short."

All this is before the first word of dialogue is spoken. This is notable because it's right about here, a minute into the movie, that the dialogue takes over. There's more talking in this thing than Hamlet.

Anyway, Dan helps her out, and it turns out she's gotten away from the whole thing with just a banged-up ankle. Dan is an obituary writer. Now, if I were in Jude Law's shoes, I'd crack a joke to break the ice…something witty like "Hey, I'm an obituary writer, you know, so if you could just, like, roll into the oncoming traffic here, I could kill 2 birds with one stone and then grab an early lunch." Of course, he doesn't say this, which is why Jude Law is a movie star and I'm a bitter, underachieving Internet movie critic who never leaves the house. It's the subtle differences, you know?

So even though Alice isn't dead, Dan manages to perk up when he realizes that Alice is really damn hot. So they spend the day together, because apparently obituary writers can just come and go as they please. I need a job like that…oh yeah, I forgot, I've already got one. Let me rephrase…I need to TAKE ADVANTAGE of having a job like that.

So by the end of the day, Dan and Alice are quite smitten with each other. So, they hook up, and live happily ever after. The end.

Nah, I'm just fucking with you. At this point, the narrative jumps ahead a year. Now, this is one of the things I really, REALLY liked about this movie. The narrative jumps ahead a lot in this film, but there's no stupid subtitle informing us that we're now "One year later…" Instead, they assume we have a brain in our heads and can figure that out for ourselves. It's so rare that a studio movie gives us credit for having more intelligence than your average inner tube.

"So, are you guys ready to finish up yet? Because once I get the money shot I'm out of here for lunch. So if you could speed things along, that would be super."

So, a year later, Dan has left his seemingly laugh-a-minute career as an obituary writer and become a novelist. This, we learn, he's done by telling Alice's story. It makes me wonder why hot, hunky Brits aren't writing the story of my life, but then I realize that it's because Alice looks like Natalie Portman, and I look more like Bob Saget. Again, it's the subtle differences.

He meets Anna (Roberts), who has to take a picture for his book jacket. Over the course of their photo session, she only manages to take about 2 pictures with all the hard-core flirting that's going on. We learn that Dan is either a total cad, or that he prefers 37-year-old divorced photographers to 21-year-old strippers. Oh well, to each his own.

They spar verbally for a while…the adult equivalent of being a kid calling another kid "booger-head" because you secretly like them. At least, I HOPE that's why all the girls called me "booger-head". Hell, I'd even settle for that being why the boys were calling me "booger-head". Because for years, I always thought it was just because I always had boogers on my head. The weird thing was, they were only about half mine, and I was always wondering where the others came from.

I'm getting sidetracked. The point is, Dan and Anna definitely have a "thing" going on, but she shoots him down cold. It's sad, really. She uses the typical female excuse of "Oh, it's because you're living with a 21-year-old stripper, whose life you have just novelized in an attempt to become a rich and famous writer". Like we ALL haven't heard that one. Ladies, get some new material.

"Seriously, check it out...that critic guy isn't wearing pants."

This rejection obviously sticks in Dan's craw for a while, because some time later, he's online in a sex chat room, where he pretends to be a woman. Of course, he's not even DOING it right…I mean, he's sitting on his couch, wearing a T-shirt, and chain-smoking! Everyone knows that when you're pretending to be a woman in a sex-chat room, you have to be wearing your girlfriend's bra and panties and drinking Pina Coladas while Abba plays in the background. I mean, it's just common knowledge…right? Right?

During his chat-room trolling, he encounters Larry (Clive Owen), a dermatologist who's apparently sick of the whole "skin disorder" business for the day. So, he locks himself in an office for a little anonymous cyber-sex. Exactly WHY a handsome, chiseled doctor has to resort to this is never explained, but it sure as hell gives ME hope. After the most awkward cyber-sex conversation ever committed to film (and there are so many to choose from) Dan, being a spiteful prick, says that he's Anna and invites Larry down to meet her at her favourite place. Oh Dan…you RAPSCALLION you! You're just TOO MUCH!

So Larry heads down to the aquarium, hopefully to get himself a little somethin' somethin' in plain view of the fish. This, I can tell you, is a bad idea. As a proud fish owner myself, I can tell you in no uncertain terms that there's nothing that sickens them more than seeing humans in the throes of passion…even on the rare occasions where there's a partner involved. Usually, Squishy (That's the fish's name, not a euphemism, sicko) will just sit there and flare his gills at me, not moving, and very obviously unhappy. So unhappy, in fact, that I'm forced to feed him afterwards to placate him, even though I JUST fed him a week ago. I wanted to scream at the screen "Don't do it Larry! Fish hate sex!" but I was in a movie theatre, and those OTHER people just wouldn't have understood.

"Um, Jude? You smell like Febreze. You know that's not a replacement for doing laundry, right?"

He doesn't get a little somethin' somethin', but he does meet the REAL Anna. Their initial conversation is - shall we say - awkward. After all, he's there to have sex with her, even though he's never met her. And Anna…well, I'm not actually sure why she was there. For all I know, she was looking to hook up too. Maybe she doesn't know the fish rule either.

But, and here's the thing…rather than pepper-spray poor Larry back to the Stone Age, she kind of digs him. She also somehow ascertains that it was Dan who sent poor Larry there. Obviously, she was partnered up with Fred, Shaggy, and Scooby before her photography career and knows how to solve a mystery. So, they manage to hook up anyway.

"Please, please, PLEASE! Don't do this to me, Julia. Just have the goddamned asparagus. I promise it's good! Please!"

And from there, things get…well, it would be wrong to say that they get ugly. After all, "Closer" stars four of the most Beautiful People alive. But suffice it to say there's a lot of bitterness, lying, betrayal, illicit sex, visits to strip clubs, and anger, anger, ANGER. Which pretty much sums up every relationship that I and everyone I know has ever had.

I won't lie…I LOVED this movie, and Natalie Portman in her underwear was a surprisingly small part of it. I've always had a love for the theatre, and "Closer" is based on the critically acclaimed play by Patrick Marber. It's also directed by Mike Nichols, who knows a thing or two about adapting stage plays to the big screen. "Who's Afraid Of Virginia Woolf" and "Angels In America" are probably the two best examples of how good he is.

"Hold on...I think I'm wanted on the set of one of the other 14,000 movies I'm shooting right now."

Well, he hits this one out of the park as well. He's not afraid to let us figure things out for ourselves. And he's not afraid to let scenes take their time and play out in the same location. He doesn't feel the need for a lot of quick, flashy cuts or shifts in setting. If a scene in an apartment or hotel room or doctor's office takes 15 minutes to play out, he'll keep us there and allow his actors to do the storytelling.

Oh yeah…the actors. They don't disappoint, either. First there's Jude Law, in roughly his 872nd movie this calendar year. The guy works a LOT. Now, I haven't seen all of his movies this year, because that would violate the laws of time. But I'll go out on a limb and say that it's his best performance of the year. Dan's a dick, but he's a very believable - if not exactly sympathetic - dick.

"So do we hook up in this scene or not? Seriously, this script is all over the place."

Meanwhile, Roberts and Portman deliver two of the best performances of their careers as well. We're so used to seeing Roberts as the sweet, tough, horse-laughed character who learns a thing or two about life. No chance here, and she's FANTASTIC because of it. As for Portman, she's played complex characters before, but you literally can't take your eyes off her while she's on screen. My Queen Amidala action figure got an extra-slow undressing after this performance.

And then there's Clive Owen as Larry. He's by far the least-sympathetic, least-likable character in the movie. He's smug, creepy, obsessive, angry, and pretty much a stalker-in-training. Yet, he steals the film from every single one of his co-stars. Interestingly enough, he originated the role of Dan on stage, rather than Larry. Regardless, it's one of the flat-out best performances I've seen all year. I'm willing to lay odds on his winning the Oscar now.

It's not exactly a date movie…unless your relationship is more twisted than the ones on-screen. In that case, "Closer" is the feel-good movie of the year. Otherwise, it's vaguely disturbing, but in that fascinating way that truly great stories are made of. It's on my short-list for best movie of the year.

Now if you'll excuse me, there's a certain Queen Amidala action figure that looks like it needs my attention…

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