Christmas With The Kranks
Starring: Tim Allen, Jamie Lee Curtis
Based on a novel by John Grisham
Directed by: Joe Roth

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Rating: 2 (out of 5)

I'll admit it. I skip Christmas. In fact, other than last year, I've skipped Christmas pretty much every year for the past seven years. I'm not saying that I don't celebrate…I just do it in my own way. On Christmas Eve, I'll go to my friend Chesty McHooters' place for her annual "Orphan Party" (for people who can't get home for the holidays). I get stinking drunk, stumble home, and spend Christmas Day drinking more and watching "The Ref" on video. Hey, you celebrate your way; I'll celebrate my way.

The point is that I don't feel the need to be all Christmas-y. In fact, it annoys me. I'll go to the parties, eat the food, and drink the booze…because hey, I'd be doing that somewhere else anyway. But I WON'T put up decorations, I WON'T wear some stupid Santa hat, and I WILL NOT sing Christmas carols. But see, I'm not militant about it. I'm just not a Christmas-type of guy. I don't try and enforce my humbuggy beliefs on others, and I'll thank them not to shove Christmas down my throat, thank you very much.

Jamie Lee Curtis tries to do her Tony Hawk impression, but doesn't quite get it right.

And this, my friends, is why "Christmas With The Kranks" represents my own personal Hell, with Dan Aykroyd acting as my own personal Satan, and Tim Allen as…well, I don't know…some sort of annoying lesser demon or something.

As the movie opens, we're introduced to Luther and Nora Krank (Allen and Curtis). They're bidding farewell to their incredibly hot daughter Blair (Julie Gonzalo) who is off to South America to join the Peace Corps. And, sadly, she won't be home for Christmas. This will be their first Christmas alone.

Only in the movies could Tim Allen father someone THAT hot.

This lights a fire under Luther's ass. Being a typical rich WASP-y dork, he decides to immediately do a cost-savings analysis on the holiday of Christmas. He then comes to the conclusion that the annual celebration of the birth of Christ costs him about $6,000. Which immediately tells me one thing…he spends TOO DAMN MUCH on Christmas. Luther, pal, here's a suggestion for you. A bottle of vodka - $20. Rental fees for Denis Leary comedies - $3.99. That's ALL YOU NEED.

But of course, Luther completely ignores my advice, which is probably just as well, seeing as he's a fictional character. For him to take MY advice would be kind of bizarre. A real "Purple Rose of Cairo" moment.

Anyway, he decides that he's going to spend $3000 on a Caribbean cruise instead. So, to sum up, he's saving half the money, and instead of staying in some colder-than-hell Chicago suburb drinking eggnog and watching "It's A Wonderful Life" on PBS, he decides to go to a tropical paradise for 10 days. Okay…let's have a show of hands here…who thinks this is even REMOTELY a bad idea? If I had the money, that's what I'd be doing. Hey, I can get drunk and watch Denis Leary movies ANYWHERE.

"Yes, we have to go on the trip TOGETHER!"

Nora thinks it's a great idea too. But, sadly, Luther is one of those "Not-too-bright" WASPs. Instead of just saying to people "Hey, we're going on a trip," he has to make a big deal about the fact that he's SKIPPING CHRISTMAS, or, as he puts it, "A complete boycott." The first thing he does is prints out about a hundred memos at work (because his is the only office in America without Email) informing his co-workers that he was boycotting Christmas this year. Now, normally this would result in a chorus of office workers all collectively asking, "Who gives a shit?"

But this ISN'T your normal office. Nor is it your normal town. Instead, it's that magical town that only exists in Hollywood movies, or in the fevered dreams of certain Republicans. Everyone is rich, there's only one black family, and there's not a SINGLE non-Christian in the entire town. Because EVERYONE CELEBRATES CHRISTMAS. Everyone, that is, except the Kranks.

So when the co-workers and neighbours find out that the Kranks aren't celebrating Christmas this year, well you'd think that they were Mr. And Mrs. Judas Iscariot. Somehow, the fact that they'd rather bask in the Caribbean sun rather than freezing their gonads off and singing "Silver Bells" is tantamount to taking a leak on the Shroud of Turin.

"Yeah? How'd you like THAT, Mr. Smartass Christmas Tree...you want some more? HUH? "

Actually, I'm being pretty unfair with the religious references. Because, you see, there isn't a SINGLE SOILITARY religious image in the entire movie, other than a Priest who shows up a couple of times (Tom Poston). It's all Santa and Frosty and candy canes and trees and pretty lights. So, in this town (which I'll call Stepford), it isn't really Christmas. It's not even Xmas. It's $mas.

So back to the neighbours. They're headed up by Obnoxious Prick Vic Frohmeyer (Dan Aykroyd), who takes their refusal to celebrate $mas as a personal insult…because somehow, in movie-logic, it's his fucking business. The Kranks enrage him and other neighbours by refusing to put up $mas lights, refusing to throw their annual $mas party, and - HORROR! - refusing to mount their gigantic Frosty The Snowman on the roof.

I don't know...there's just something about LYNCHING Frosty that seems wrong.

How enraged are they? Well, their refusal to participate in this annual lemming-fest is apparently enough to make the local newspaper (because apparently their decision is EVERYBODY'S business). It's also enough to warrant a campaign against them that is technically criminal harassment. I'm not kidding…they call, they berate, they chant outside their house, and at one point Frohmeyer chases Nora's car down the street. If you ask me, the Kranks shouldn't be vacationing in the Caribbean, they should be MOVING there.

Oh, and in the most INSULTING scene in the movie, a group of carolers happen to pass by the Krank's unlit house. The head caroler then asks a neighbour "Why don't they have lights up? Are they JEWISH or BUDDHIST or something?"

No, you obnoxious, fucking busybody. They aren't. But so WHAT if they ARE???? IT'S NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS IF THEY DON'T SHARE YOUR BELIEFS!

The neighbour (M. Emmett Walsh) then gets the carolers to stand in front of the Kranks house and sing to them. Repeatedly. At one point, they're actually CIRCLING the house, looking in the windows, and singing their annoying little fucking hearts out. Not only is that HARASSMENT, it's TRESPASSING (and trust me…your ol' buddy Naked here knows a thing or two about harassment and trespassing). But hey…what's a little law breaking when you're trying to convert people to your way of thinking? Am I right, people?

Myself, I'd have shot the fuckers.

If Dan Aykroyd was outside my house, I'd hide too.

But THEN, the unthinkable happens. Blair calls and says that she's going to be home for $mas after all, and she's bringing her new fiancé! Now, what the Kranks SHOULD be doing is telling her "No, sorry honey, we've made plans to go away for the holidays. Besides, these goddamn neighbours are driving us batshit. You're on your own."

But no…instead they rush around to try and get ready for $mas Eve, with just a few hours notice. And Nora makes Luther PROMISE to never tell Blair about their plan of "skipping $mas." Hilarity tries to - but doesn't quite - ensue.

I don't get offended easily, folks, but this movie offended the CRAP out of me. I don't know whose idea of America they're portraying here, but it's not one that I've ever seen. "Stepford" looks to me to be the most unpleasant place on earth. I'd rather spend Christmas in Kabul than with the Kranks.

Not even the HAM wanted to be in this movie. Here it is making a break for it.

It's too bad, too, because the movie can actually be pretty funny at times. Allen and Curtis have impressive chemistry with each other, and their banter back and forth can be a lot of fun to listen to. Neither of them is as annoying as they can be. Even the goofy slapstick sequences can be funny at times, despite what the lame gags in the trailer would make you believe. While none of the supporting cast really stands out as being good, none of them are all that bad either.

And despite all the flaws, I kind of liked the ending too. I won't spoil it, but it's sweet. Actually, it's TOO sweet…it's predictable and designed only to tug at the heartstrings. But I liked it…for one thing; I'm an easy touch. But also, it was such a welcome relief from the rest of the movie, which was designed to make you want to rush out to Wal-Mart to drop $500 on decorations.

"Do you think I've got enough up front to fill this out?"

So, to sum up, it's funny. But it's even funnier if you're a rich, white Christian. Otherwise, it's just going to try and make you feel guilty…especially if you don't partake in a holiday which has become more about pretty lights and spending money than Good Will Toward Men. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go stock up on Holiday products myself. Blockbuster is holding a copy of "The Ref" for me, and if I don't get to the liquor store early, all the GOOD vodka is gone.

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