Kinsey
Starring: Liam Neeson, Laura Linney
Written and Directed by: Bill Condon

Visit the official website here!

Rating: 0 (out of 5)

Being that I'm on this blessed invention (thank you, Al Gore, for inventing it) called The Internet, I'm a lot more widely read than I would be if I published somewhere else. You know, like if I passed flyers out on street corners, or had my own cable access show, or if I just stood in theatre lobbies and harassed people. "You're seeing 'Christmas With The Kranks? IT SUCKS! LOSERS!"

But, since I am widely read (or at least, more widely than I have any business being) I feel like I have a responsibility to announce the following:

"Kinsey," starring Liam Neeson and Laura Linney, is about S-E-X. And, even more shockingly, S-E-X is okay. The movie promotes S-E-X-uality as being a normal and enjoyable thing. Even more shockingly, it says that things like masturbation, oral sex, and homosexuality are not only normal, but enjoyable and healthy.

HOW DARE THEY!! If you're not already out protesting theatres showing this movie, get out there NOW. How DARE they say that playing with your gherkin or making your oyster moister is ALL RIGHT? How could they have the TEMERITY to say that HOMOSEXUALS ARE NORMAL PEOPLE TOO? Folks, do me one better. Don't just protest this movie…phone in death threats to theatre owners showing the movie! Threaten to burn the place to the ground! Picket outside the theatres and throw eggs at people who have the NERVE to view it!

"Okay, how does this sound? 'I never knew these letters were real until I had an experience recently that changed my mind...' Whaddya think?"

But most of all, and I can't stress this enough…what you NEED to do is send a message to your community that movies like this - especially ones that glorify boys having S-E-X with each other, have no place in our cinemas. Tell them, once and for all, that we want less movies like this, and MORE movies about spiritual leaders that depict their violent and bloody torture. You see folks, THAT'S entertainment. Movies about S-E-X are nothing but smut. Get out and do something about it. In fact, don't even finish reading this review. Go...NOW!

Are they gone?

Okay, now that all those puritanical jerks are gone, let's get on to reviewing this movie for real, shall we?

REAL Rating: 4 (out of 5)

Oh, one last thing…if you agree with anything I sarcastically said above, you are fucking FORBIDDEN from ever reading my reviews or visiting my website again. Thanks. Oh, and I'd invite you to go and fuck yourselves, but your beliefs forbid it. Trust me, you don't know what you're missing.

Sorry for the rant, folks. I'm just sick and tired of hearing all this bullshit. I really, truly am. Some groups have such a problem with this movie, based simply on the fact that it "promotes" sex and - shudder - homosexuality. Folks, you need to get a fucking grip (although I know what you WON'T be gripping…hehehe.) In fact, one group, who shall remain nameless, has the fucking unmitigated gall to issue the following statement, which reads in part, "Instead of being lionized, Kinsey's proper place is with Nazi Dr. Josef Mengele." Now folks, I don't want to mention this ass-nozzle's name here, but if you ever see this guy, smack him in the head for me, will you? Thanks.

"Look at all those empty seats...I could have done MORE! I could have handed out flyers, or taken out an ad. I could...I could have done MORE!!"

What this IS, in fact, is a biopic about someone who - in the end - made people feel good about sex and sexuality. And trust me, I thank him for it. Sometimes, I thank him three or four times a day. Occasionally, I'm even with a partner.

But back to Kinsey, himself - and I promise, I'll get to the review in a minute here. But, you know, it's MY website. I'll bitch and moan all I want (for more examples, see my journal)

These dickweeds are all up in arms because they are saying that the movie either PROMOTES pedophilia (absolute and total bullshit) or ignores his research about pedophilia (also bullshit, but less so. It's mentioned in one scene, which can also be seen as a total condemnation of the act by Kinsey and his staff.)

But folks, that's NOT what people are pissed about. They're pissed about homosexuality and bisexuality being seen as normal and acceptable. The other shit is just to grab headlines. Seriously, anyone who pulls this argument on you? Smack them with a dead fish. Preferably a carp.

Besides which, the movie is hardly a GLORIFICATION of Kinsey. The man himself - as portrayed by Neeson - was a complicated, driven, and often emotionally distant man.

"I don't understand...does this center page fold out or someth...oh MY!"

In early scenes, we see a young Kinsey, who is bullied by his preacher father - played by John Lithgow. And hoo-wee, if you thought the preacher he played in "Footloose" was repressed, wait until you get a load of THIS guy. In a sermon, he demonizes the telephone and the zipper as tools of Satan to fuel lust. Thank God he didn't live in this day and age, when he was confronted with such lust-inducing things as the Internet and Monday Night Football sketches.

Eventually, Kinsey rejects his father's intense moralizing and decides to become a scientist instead. But despite this, he manages to hold on to his religious morality, as is portrayed in an early scene with his wife-to-be Clara (Linney). He mentions the Book Of Genesis in an early scene of their "small talk" and then later is accused by her of being too "Churchy".

Whatever. They get married, and have the most awkward almost-sex ever depicted on film. It makes the Jennifer Jason Leigh pool-shed scene in "Fast Times At Ridgemount High" look like "Tool My Sweet Ass, vol. 5" in comparison.

At this point, they visit a doctor about this problem. This entails one of the funniest moments in a very funny film, when Clara is asked to show the doctor the size of "Little Kinsey" on a ruler. Suffice it to say, "Little Kinsey" wasn't all that little.

That Laura Linney...spends just ONE night with the Naked Critic and she starts bragging about me to EVERYONE. Sheesh.

Shortly afterwards, Kinsey - who studied bugs before this - decided that people just didn't KNOW a lot about sex. And, well, he decided to do something about it…teaching courses, interviewing subjects, and all that scientist-type stuff.

Now, hold on to your hat, folks, because what I'm about to say may shock you. As it turns out, in the early 20th century, people didn't know a lot ABOUT sex. And they all thought they were doing it wrong, or were perverted, or were just ill-informed. One woman is astonished to learn that there's more than one position for sex (for the record, there's at least three). A young man is told that if he performs oral sex on his wife, she won't be able to conceive. Now, I don't want to brag or anything, but if there's one thing I've learned in my sadly-limited experience, it's this: If you want to get a girl pregnant (or, you know, perform the act of intercourse), performing oral sex beforehand REALLY increases your chances. Not in a medical way, but in a…oh hell, you know what I mean. (and one of these days, I SWEAR I'm going to put that theory to the test!)

In the course of his research, he discovers that people actually enjoy masturbation. Oh, and it turns out that homosexuals and bisexuals are a lot more common than you'd think. And, well, he also kind of discovers that he MIGHT be a little into guys himself. Which explains why he likes having his research assistant Clyde (Peter Sarsgaard) working shirtless in his garden.

An aside: all you Peter Sarsgaard fans out there WILL get a chance to see "Little Sarsgaard". Myself, I'm a pretty big Sarsgaard fan…but not THAT big a fan. Meanwhile, Morn wasn't much of a Sarsgaard fan before the movie, but…well, she is now. And that's all I'm gonna say about that. If I say any more, all of Kinsey's work will have been for naught as far as I'm concerned. Except for the masturbation stuff.

And, if you know any history, you know he published books on male and female sexuality, which flew off the shelves at first. But, as time went on, he just managed to piss people off. After all, despite the fact that all of America wanted to read his books, they were WRONG and IMMORAL and glorified S-E-X and all the rest.

And they really had an effect on his personal life. After all, you can't study S-E-X for a living without bringing your work home with you from time to time. Hell, if you ask me, it seems like one of the perks of the job. It affects his family, for starters, including his oldest son, who thinks his old man is a pervert. The University he works for is also on the fence, especially fellow teacher Thurman Rice (Tim Curry) who believes things like "Sexual urges and immorality is harder to suppress in coloured people." (sorry, that's a paraphrase). On the other hand, when he finally comes "out" to his father about what he's studying, the result is a truly touching and horrifying account of how terrible repression used to be in the last century.

Before Kinsey was published, THIS was considered an orgy.

In today's climate, "Kinsey" is both one of the funniest movies of the year and one of the scariest. It's funny because these old views on S-E-X seem so outdated and silly now. And the first 2/3 of the movie contain some HUGE laughs, based all on theories and feelings that were common as soon as recently as 60 years ago. It's scary because they weren't seen as funny then. It's even scarier because the flash of a boob during the SuperBowl - and a certain election - has ushered in a new morality. Folks, we're not as far from that morality and secrecy about S-E-X as you think.

Right, no more preaching. The movie.

Neeson, as Kinsey, is fantastic. This is easily his best performance since "Schindler's List." He plays Kinsey as a decent, good-humoured guy at first, but one who becomes way too consumed with his work. Meanwhile Linney is almost perfect, and my early choice for second-best performance by a lead actress this year (narrowly edged out by Natalie Portman in "Garden State".)

In the supporting roles, everyone is solid, but not GREAT. As much as I like Sarsgaard, his role isn't quite developed enough. The same goes for Curry, Oliver Platt, and Timothy Hutton. As for Chris O'Donnell…well, I hate him. He's GOOD, don't get me wrong. But I hate him. So there.

The movie's only serious flaw is its turn to melodrama in the third act. It almost feels like it was FUNNY for the first two thirds. Now I know it's a biopic, and that you can't sugar-coat what happened to poor Kinsey in the name of entertainment. But at the same time, the shift from comedy to heavy drama is pretty severe, and winds up feeling kind of awkward.

So, in a nutshell, the movie is fantastic…but sadly, not for everyone. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go and exercise the rights that Kinsey afforded me. And if I'm lucky, I'll exercise them again later on today with a partner.

|