Team
America: World Police
Starring: A Bunch Of Cool Puppets
Written By: Trey Parker, Matt Stone, Pam Brady
Directed by: Trey Parker
Rating: 2.5 (out of 5)
Visit the official website here!
Recently, Sean Penn sent Trey Parker and Matt Stone a strongly-worded letter. He was pissed off that they had told "Rolling Stone" magazine that there is no shame in not voting, among other things. He also ended the letter with "All best, and a sincere fuck you". After seeing "Team America: World Police", I think Penn should have written a different letter. This is the letter I would have written, if I were Penn:
Dear Guys:
Why do you have to be such fucking hateful assholes? Christ, man.
All
best, and a sincere fuck you,
Sean Penn
Don't get me wrong…I love these guys. I firmly believe "South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut" to be one of the five funniest movies ever made, along with "Blazing Saddles" and "Monty Python and the Holy Grail". It's just that damn good. And - despite what non-fans would have you believe - it's one of the SMARTEST, funniest movies ever made.
This is what happens to your kids when you don't buy them Barbie's Dream House.
But "Team America: World Police" just ISN'T. Instead it's mean, unnecessarily profane/gross, and seems to want to offend before it entertains. It's still funny as Hell…but being funny isn't the same thing as being smart or good. Trust me on this…people point out the fact that I'm funny but not smart on a daily fucking basis. On the other hand, this may be only the third time in my life that marionette puppets have ever given me an erection, so that must count for something.
The movie opens in Paris, the city of love. Small children are frolicking, artists are creating, and mimes line the street like so many fetid vermin. The only thing that seems out of place is that there are some beige people that look really mean carrying a briefcase with a blinking light on it.
This looks like a job for TEAM AMERICA: WORLD POLICE! They come barreling in and lay waste to the terrorists, along with half of Paris. Among the damage is the Eiffel Tower, the Arc de Triomphe, and the Louvre. The World Police pat themselves on the back, blissfully ignorant of the fact that they did more damage than the bomb would have, and even more blissfully ignorant of the horror of the French. This, quite frankly, is a brilliantly satirical indictment of the War On Terror. Or, for my readers who are too drunk or high to understand that statement (yes, you)…it's fucking funny as hell.
"Those frogs will think TWICE the next time they want to send Gerard Depardieu to America!"
But one of the puppets - sorry, POLICE - is killed in the line of duty, just after proposing to Lisa, the hottest block of wood since Britney Spears in "Crossroads".
An aside: This, folks, is why I'm never going to propose to anyone again. Unless Hollywood has lied to me - and why would they do that? - it seems like every time a guy proposes to a girl, something really bad happens. They wind up dead, or in trouble with the law, or (shudder) married. No thanks. I dodged that bullet once (other than, well you know…getting divorced), I don't think I'm going to be able to do it twice.
So now Team America is short one member. Rather than picking up the pieces of the dead puppet and just hot-gluing him back together, they decide to recruit someone new. That someone is Gary, an actor. When we meet him, he's currently starring in "Lease" on Broadway. We're treated to his show-stopping number "Everybody's Got AIDS" before the team attempts to recruit him backstage. You see, they need a gifted actor to infiltrate the ranks of the terrorists…and since Gary also studied world languages, he's a shoo-in. Hey…I've seen worse plots in REAL action movies.
Sure, he may LOOK a little like Affleck, but the puppet would NEVER be stupid enough to make "Gigli".
So after Gary is on board, they want him to infiltrate a group of terrorists in Egypt. To fit in, they haphazardly throw a coat of wood stain over most of his face and glue some steel wool on him for a beard. Again, I've seen worse makeup in real movies.
So now the Team gets to destroy Cairo as well. All this destruction is inviting the wrath of left-wing activists within the US, especially the actors. Any time they get the chance, Alec Baldwin and his group of fellow actors in the Film Actors Guild are denouncing the "war on terror" and the destruction that it's causing. By the way, for those readers of mine who are too drunk or high to understand acronyms (yes, you), the acronym for Film Actor's Guild is "FAG". This naturally opens the door for a "fag" joke or two. Now, knowing it's the South Park guys that made this movie, guess how many "fag" jokes they make. Do you have your guess? You're wrong…whatever number you chose, it's higher.
But, and here's the rub, the middle-eastern and Chechen terrorists aren't the REAL threat. The real threat is North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il. You know, just like in real life. Kim invites the FAGs (shit, now I'm doing it) to Pyongyang for a world peace conference, but it's all a ruse. Once they're there, he plans on unleashing WMD mayhem on the rest of the world. And it's up to Team America to stop them! At least, when they're done having sex.
"Sing us a song, you're the sociopathic-world-leader-bent-on-destruction...sing us a song tonight..."
Yes, sex. Now, I don't know what's left of the much-ballyhooed puppet-sex scene stateside, but I'm pretty sure it was left pretty much intact here. And it's funny…REALLY funny. (And disturbingly erotic at the same time.) I don't want to say HOW erotic, because that would disturb you guys. Let me just put it this way…when Puppet Gary was nailing Puppet Lisa in the pooper, I MAY have slid my hand up Morn's leg, and she MAY have looked at me with a mixture of revulsion and horror. I'm not saying it happened, and I'm not saying it DIDN'T happen. I'm just saying that my hopes and dreams of hot back-door action are pretty much over.
Wood ON screen...wood OFF screen, if you know what I mean...
Team America: World Police is definitely funny. In fact, it contains some of the single-funniest jokes and sight gags you'll see this year. (And hottest, if you're into puppets.) But it's also one of the meanest. I mean, it's one thing to portray Michael Moore as a fat, bloated, chili-dog-scarfing blowhard. But a fat, bloated, chili-dog-scarfing SUICIDE BOMBER just isn't funny.
South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut was funny because it was a dead-on parody of musicals, and because it was a razor-sharp satire on censorship. This time, they only got it half right.
As a parody, it's gold. The "montage" scene, the excessive violence, the embarrassingly cheesy dialogue and catch phrases ("Hey terrorists! Terrorize THIS!") are perfect. This could be a Michael Bay movie, other than the fact that the puppets give better performances than the Martin Lawrences and Ben Afflecks that he tends to cast.
In the North Korean army, what happened to these guys is called "early retirement".
But it's not sharp satire…it's blunt. It's like "Satire For Dummies" as written by the staff of Mad Magazine after a 2-week tequila bender. Personally, I blame the fact that they had too many targets. This movie could have been a pointed indictment of the War On Terror, Left-Wing Celebrity Activism, and Jingoistic American Violence all at once. Instead, it simply says, "Everybody is a fucking idiot except us." If they'd stuck with one target, they'd be sharper. If they spent more time writing it, they'd be sharper. The satire on display here is about as sharp as a wet sea sponge who failed 5th grade math and gets confused when you ask him "What colour is your white shirt?"
If it seems like I'm being harsh…well, I am. For starters, I had to pay my own fucking money to see this rather than attending a preview (Paramount hates me) so I'm in a pissy mood to begin with. But furthermore, I expected better and smarter from these two guys. But no…they simply spent their time trying to offend as many people as possible in order to veer into "Aren't we outrageous? We don't CARE who we piss off!" territory. And to be honest, I'd probably have liked it more if the funny parts weren't as funny as they are. All I see is squandered opportunity.
"You know what they call a Quarter Pounder with cheese in Paris? A Royale with cheese..."
On the plus side, the puppets are incredible. Even more incredible are some of the subtle touches that they gave costumes and scenery. If you look closely, you'll see that the cobblestone streets of Paris are croissants. The palm trees in front of the FAG headquarters have shredded money for leaves. And the puppets are pretty expressive for chunks of wood. Keanu Reeves could learn a thing or two.
This is a hard one for me. I can't really recommend it, because it's blunt, mean humour a lot of the time. On the other hand, it's so damned funny half the time that I can't NOT recommend it. Furthermore, everyone I've spoken to that has loved it or hated it has very valid points…I can see why they feel as strongly as they do…for the most part.
For example, Morn waited all of about 15 seconds after we got into the car to turn to me and say "That is, hands fucking down, the worst fucking piece of fucking shit that I have ever fucking been subjected to." Harsh words, to be sure…but what most of you don't realize is that Morn NEVER swears. In fact, this is the first time in 10 years I've heard her swear when it wasn't about something stupid that I'd said or done.
The sad thing is that the goddamned puppet is in better shape than me.
On the other side, I read the most infuriating quote that I've seen all year about this movie. Now, a lot of movie critics are what I like to call "Quote Whores". They over-praise movies so that the studios will put them in commercials and posters. As far as I can tell, Rex Reed and Rolling Stone's Peter Travers are the two biggest Quote Whores on the planet…I don't think they've disliked a single movie all year. But now, I can add to this list Robert W. Butler from the Kansas City Star (which I only read for the Jumble). He said the following:
"Team America: World Police is this decade's Dr. Strangelove."
So here's MY open letter:
Dear Mr. Butler:
ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND, YOU HACK? Dr. Strangelove? You have the fucking TEMERITY to compare this to the greatest political satire ever created?
You fucking phony. Hey…I don't know if you noticed, but Slim Pickens was RIDING the bomb…he wasn't DRY-HUMPING it. Please do me a favour…either throw away your pen, or use it to stab yourself in the ear to drain all the stupid out of your brain.
All
best, and a sincere fuck you,
The Naked Critic.
Wow…Sean Penn is really on to something here.
In
closing, I'll tell you what the funniest part of the whole "Team
America: World Police" thing is. North Korea - in real life - possesses
weapons of mass destruction. Iraq DOESN'T. and DIDN'T. And yet, a couple
of retards from Colorado playing with marionette puppets are able to identify
the biggest threat to world peace more accurately than the President of
the United States. It's funny…but I'm not laughing.
