Wicker Park
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Wicker Park
Starring: Josh Hartnett, Rose Byrne
Directed by: Paul McGuigan

Rating: 3 (out of 5)

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It's official, kids. Stalking is sexy.

Now, before I get myself into trouble here, let me just point out that I personally don't find stalking sexy. But I just saw Wicker Park, and on the way out, women were SWOONING over Josh Hartnett. And his character is, well, a creepy stalker. I even heard one young woman comment, "I'd let him stalk ME any time."

So, stalking MUST be sexy. Ha! Take THAT, Elisha Cuthbert's lawyer!

Of course, Hartnett isn't the only creepy character in the movie. Quite frankly, this picture is full of more dopey, obsessive crazy people than a Jackson family reunion. And on top of all the psychosis on display, they also make us deal with Matthew Lillard, sporting the worst hair since…well, Matthew Lillard's LAST movie.

"I have, like, NO right to be this smug..."

It all starts innocently enough. A young wooden puppet longs to be a real boy and eventually gets his wish. He then grows up to be Matt (Hartnett). Now, to be fair, none of this puppet stuff is actually IN the movie, but it's the only real way I can explain Hartnett's wooden, emotionless performance. It's like watching Keanu Reeves after he's been frozen in carbonite like Han Solo.

Matt woodenly looks at engagement rings, he woodenly talks ad-business with his boss, and he woodenly makes arrangements to go to China on business. There's more wood in these scenes than in a bukkake video. (If you don't already know what bukkake is, then you don't WANT to know…and for the love of Mike, DON'T look it up on the web…)

All we can really gather about Matt is that he's a photographer, he's in advertising, and he doesn't really love his fiancée (Jessica Pare). We also discover that her brother is Matt's boss, but that little factoid is more or less useless.

So Matt goes to a restaurant to meet a couple of Chinese people, I guess to firm up the details of their business deal or something. But before he gets to the restaurant, he runs into his best friend Luke (Lillard). It turns out that Matt's been back in town (Chicago) for a few months after being away for 2 years, but hasn't even bothered to tell Luke about it. This is perfectly natural…personally, I'd undergo radical reconstructive surgery and a sex change in order to avoid Matthew Lillard…and so would you, so don't pretend otherwise.

Lisa (Diane Kruger) snuggles with a CPR dummy...no, wait, that's Hartnett...

Once inside the restaurant, they meet the Chinese folks and make a little small talk. Apparently, Matt has a plane to catch in a few hours in order to get to China, so his fiancée gives him some sleeping pills…which he takes almost IMMEDIATELY. Because folks, when you're trying to impress rich Chinese business people, the BEST WAY to do it is to fall asleep on them during dinner. It's a little-known fact…but try it! You'll thank me.

The Chinese folks toast the marriage - of their 2 companies. But the M word alone is enough to make Matt choke on his cocktail…right in FRONT of his fiancée. Hey, honey…THIS guy's a keeper! No commitment-phobia here! If he keeps it up, he's going to wind up pulling a Mama Cass on a ham sandwich the next time someone mentions the word "children." Then again, that IS a pretty good way to get out of a serious relationship.

So he excuses himself to go make a quick phone call, but there's already someone in the phone nook. So to pass the time, he jumps next door into the men's room. While he's in there, he overhears the girl on the phone telling someone to stop stalking her. And that voice…it sounds like…but it can't be…it sounds so…familiar…

Diane Kruger, standing in front of 3 phallic symbols. Actually, it's 4 now...

An aside: I have to stop for a moment here to explain this little piece of movie magic. Matt overhears the mystery girl through AIR VENTS in the bathroom. Think about it…there's an AIR VENT connecting the MEN'S ROOM to a PHONE BOOTH. This must be the WORST architectural decision since they built the Kingdome in Seattle. Because you've got to think that this isn't a ONE-WAY air vent. Picture this…you're out having dinner at an upscale restaurant, you excuse yourself between the appetizer and the main course to call the sitter. And then, through the ENTIRE CONVERSATION, you get to hear Gus in the next room "dropping the kids off at the pool". And let's not even get into the smell…

Ah, screw it. "Hi Susie, just checking in. Remember, Billy's bedtime is 8:30, and don't let him fool you into staying up later. Just help yourself to anything in the fridge. (sniff) We should be home by…(sniff sniff) OH FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT'S HOLY!!! (gag) HEY PAL…WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU ORDER? Good GOD, obviously they didn't cook your steak all the way through! (sniff) KEE-RIST! So much for my appetite…Susie, we'll be home in 15 minutes!"

Man, do I love the poopie jokes.

Oh, right, the movie.

"Now where the hell did I put my talent? It's got to be around here somewhere..."

Matt becomes convinced that it's someone named "Lisa" that he's overheard. So he bolts out of the bathroom and tries to follow her, but stops when he realizes his so-called fiancée is busy eating dinner with some Chinese people. He then goes into the phone booth and sees a hotel key…could it actually BE Lisa?

And that's when we see the FIRST flashback of the movie. And there's plenty more to come. This movie has more flashbacks than Timothy Leary did in the 70s. We find out that - 2 years prior - Matt had this "love at first sight" encounter with Lisa (Diane Kruger). So, he did what any love-struck young man would do…he stalks her until she agrees to go out with him. Apparently, Lisa finds his borderline-psychotic behaviour charming…probably because he looks like Josh Hartnett. I'm willing to wager it wouldn't be as cute if he looked like Woody Allen. Or me.

As it turns out, after a few hot and steamy months, Lisa just up and left him with no warning, and she hasn't seen or heard from her since. Now, MOST guys would take this as a pretty big hint…but Matt's not most guys. So first he blows off his job and his business trip - and lies about it to his fiancée, making him even BETTER husband material. Then he decides to try and find her, and since the whole "stalking" thing worked so damn well the first time, why mess with success, right? What follows is a series of felonious - and downright creepy - attempts to try and find this girl. There's breaking and entering, trespassing, theft, more breaking and entering, and - most disturbingly of all - several heart-to-heart conversations with Matthew Lillard (shudder).

"You know, I've never taken a picture of myself from the waist UP before...I hope it turns out!"

But that's not even the messed up part. No, my friends. The REALLY messed up part is when he finally comes face to face with Lisa after breaking into her apartment…and it's not REALLY LISA! It's just some other girl…ALSO named Lisa (Rose Byrne), with the same perfume, same shoe size…a whole bunch of similar stuff.

And from there, things get even stranger.

This is one of those movies that throws more curveballs than a David Wells no-hitter. And, to be perfectly honest, I spent a HUGE chunk of this flick confused as hell. Characters act insane, and things just don't seem to add up and make sense. But the good news is, they eventually DO make sense. Eventually.

This is being touted as a thriller, and in a way, I guess it is. It's also kind of a mystery. But mostly, it's a story about really twisted, obsessive love. It's like someone listened to The Police's "Every Breath You Take" non-stop for a month and then wrote a screenplay.

For a woman who's in Matthew Lillard's apartment, she seems to be handling it pretty well.

But for me, when it finally did come together, it was pretty satisfying. It culminates in a fantastic scene…two characters confront each other, with a 3rd unwitting character looking on, just not getting it. Yes, I'm being vague, but I'll be damned if I'm going to spoil it for you.

It just takes FOREVER to get there.

The pacing of the story is a touch too slow…I like slow and deliberate, but at times this one just takes it a BIT too far. And a lot of people are going to think that there's just one coincidence too many. They have a point, but it didn't bother me all that much. I liked how it ended enough to generally forgive that final, outlandish coincidence.

It would have been a MUCH better movie, if it had better actors. Hartnett and Lillard are AWFUL. But, to be fair, as the movie picks up steam, they seem to try a little harder. Hartnett may be good looking, but he's got all the on-screen charisma of yogurt. And Lillard…well, shit. He's Lillard. He's fucking Shaggy. He always has sucked, and always will suck.

"Hey there, critic-boy...think VERY carefully before writing a snarky caption..."

The girls are pretty good though. Kruger plays her somewhat-underwritten character with a lot of energy and charm. Of course, being a knockout doesn't hurt, either. Meanwhile, Byrne is VERY good…she steals scenes outright from both Hartnett and Lillard. To be fair, that doesn't require a high degree of difficulty. It's like the world's greatest cat burglar stealing a pencil from a blind beggar. But she's still very good.

This movie is going to run hot and cold with a lot of people. Myself, I've always LIKED movies about obsessive love. I loved 9 ½ Weeks and Bitter Moon, for example…and not just because of the rampant nudity (although it didn't hurt). Wicker Park isn't as good, but if you're patient enough, you may just find yourself enjoying it.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to listen to "Every Breath You Take" for a couple of hours. Then I'm heading over to Elisha Cuthbert's house. Wish me luck!