Anacondas:
The Hunt For The Blood Orchid
Starring: Johnny Messner, KaDee Strickland
Written by: Like, 4 different people
Directed by: Dwight H. Little
Rating: 1.5 (out of 5)
Visit the official website here!
All right…first of all, this is a movie about snakes that can get to be 50-100 feet long. So I want you to take a moment and get ALL of your penis jokes out of the way. I'll wait.
(pause)
Done yet? No? Ok…finish up.
(pause)
Actually, I'm gonna go ahead anyway. After all, knowing some of you (Buceta…) the dick jokes could go on all day.
Way back in the day, a rising young star with an enormous ass named Jennifer Lopez starred in a terrible horror movie called "Anaconda". Because, judging by her dating history, she just can't get enough of the big snakes. Strangely enough, this movie also managed to attract some pretty decent actors, including Jon Voight, Eric Stoltz, Owen Wilson, and Ice Cube. Then it managed to pull in about a gazillion dollars at the box office, even though by most accounts it sucked. I attribute the box office success to one person: Sir Mix-A-Lot. Because, as we all know, he likes big butts and he cannot lie. I think he saw this one about 87,000 times.
"NOOOO! Please don't make us think about 'Baby Got Back' again! We'll do anything!!!"
So, for some reason, they decided to make a sequel to it 7 years later. Only this time, they decided to cast terrible actors. Oh, and it's also not really a sequel either, because it has absolutely nothing to do with the original.
And that brings us to "Anacondas: The Hunt For The Blood Orchid". You'll notice that the name of the movie has a subtitle. This has happened a lot recently. For instance, there's "Pirates Of The Caribbean: The Curse Of The Black Pearl" and "Anchorman: The Legend Of Ron Burgundy". The good news is that this movie has some things in common with its subtitled brethren. Like "Pirates", it takes place largely in a boat. And like "Anchorman," many of the characters are more or less retarded. Of course, UNLIKE either of those movies, this one happens to suck harder than Jenna Jameson at a frat party.
(By the way, if you have a better "suck harder" simile, post it in the "comments" section below. I'm always looking for new material.)
The movie opens with a completely pointless scene…a couple of native hunters in Borneo are hunting tigers or something. And then they get eaten by something that we can't see. But I had the feeling that they were eaten by snakes…because, you know, the movie is called ANACONDAS. Here's a tip for all you aspiring filmmakers out there…if the TITLE of the fucking movie tells us what the monster is, there's no real POINT in hiding the monster from us at the beginning of the movie. The reveal isn't going to surprise us. If you want to shock us, call the movie something like "Polar Bear Massacre" and then show us somebody being eaten by a snail. THAT would be surprising. Stupid, but surprising.
Morris Chestnut, trying to figure out how his agent talked him into this movie.
So after this, we wind up in a boardroom somewhere. There's a bunch of rich, old, white people complaining about how some research team is wasting their money, and that their canceling the team's funding. Fortunately, one of the people they're threatening is a hip young black guy named Gordon (Morris Chestnut). He introduces a weasel-like English dude named Jack (Matthew Marsden). This guy tells the suits about some rare flower in Borneo that is almost like the fountain of youth or something stupid like that. So, these researchers need money to go down and get these flowers - the Blood Orchids - because they only bloom once every 7 years, and they only have 2 weeks left.
Now, THAT'S stupid enough. But what's even STUPIDER is that the head of this company - who was about to fire these guys - turns right around, checkbook in hand, and says "How much?" This is the business world's equivalent of the Board of Directors at Enron sinking all their company's money into Amway.
So, they're off to Borneo, to get these "fountain of youth" flowers. Oh, by the way, in real life there ARE no anacondas in Borneo. Just thought I'd pass that along to you.
"Okay folks...be on the lookout for ravenous reptiles that have been magically transported here by Hollywood!"
So, joining these two snake-oil salesmen are some other crewmembers. First, there's Sam (Strickland), the tight-shirted research assistant with the most annoying disappearing southern accent since Anna Paquin in "X-Men". Then there's Gail (Salli Richarson-Whitfield), the tight-shirted company lackey. Then you've got the horny doctor (Nicholas Gonzales) and the whiny tool (Eugene Byrd). Basically, not a single likable character in the bunch.
But when they get to Borneo, they realize it's the rainy season, and there are no boats willing to travel down rivers in the middle of monsoons. Pussies. A little water never hurt anyone.
So they need to hire someone. And THIS is where the movie will TRULY insult your intelligence. They hire Bill Johnson (Messner) and his boat. Now, hiring Johnny Messner to do anything other than bus tables is stupid enough…but the idiots who wrote this thing went overboard here…REALLY overboard.
THEY RIPPED OFF "STAR WARS"…CLEAN!!!
"I spy, with my little eye, a copyright-infringement lawsuit from George Lucas."
This isn't even a case of being "similar"…they completely and totally rip off "Star Wars", with Messner as the Han Solo character. At Day Job, even Butcher and Slim were able to figure this out, and they only saw the press kit for the movie.
Let me explain:
In "Star Wars", they need transportation, so they look for it in a seedy bar. In "Anacondas", they need transportation, so they look for it in a seedy bar.
In "Star Wars", they find Han Solo, a scruffy guy with questionable morals. In "Anacondas", they find Bill, a scruffy guy with questionable morals.
In "Star Wars", the ship (Millennium Falcon) is a piece of shit, and the annoying blond hero (Mark Hamill) whines about it. In "Anacondas", the ship (Bloody Mary) is a piece of shit, and the annoying blonde heroine (Strickland) whines about it.
In "Star Wars", the scruffy guy has a hairy pal (Chewbacca), In "Anacondas", the scruffy guy has TWO hairy pals (Karl Yune and a monkey).
And finally, and most importantly I might add, in "Star Wars", Han Solo is played by Harrison Ford, who used to be a carpenter. In "Anacondas", Bill is played by Johnny Messner, who has all the emotional range of a block of wood.
"I'm a REAL BOY!!!!!"
An
aside: I know it seems like I'm being hard on Mr. Messner here. But the
truth is, he really is the most profoundly untalented actor I've seen
in years…and he's a prick to boot. A MASSIVE prick. Don't believe me?
Read the interview with him located HERE
So you can tell he's an obnoxious douchebag, right? Well, he's got literally NO TALENT to back it up. Keanu Reeves has more range when he's sleeping. I've seen cheese that emotes more. Let me give you an example. Here I am, demonstrating Messner's acting ability.
On the left Is me…as Johnny Messner, in his regular state. On the right is me…as Johnny Messner, pretending to be scared out of his wits. See the difference?
The sad thing is that posing for those pictures is the best acting that I've ever done.
So, yeah, the snakes. As it turns out, the anacondas (which don't exist in Borneo) have been snacking on these flowers, which means they're bigger, longer, and faster than they have any right to be (especially since they have no business being in Borneo in the first place). And it's mating season, so the snakes are not only hungry, but horny too. But Annoying English Guy is willing to risk all sorts of shit in order to get these stupid flowers, and Pinocchio-Messner is greedy enough to keep pushing forward in the face of mortal danger. In a nutshell, the boat crashes, they press on anyway, annoy each other, and get served up as lunch for mutant snakes (that shouldn't exist in Borneo.)
This is just a horrible movie from start to finish. But the most horrible part of it is that somebody decided that Messner can be the lead in a film. Now, I'm not saying that he's the only bad actor here…other than Yune and Chestnut, they ALL suck. But Messner manages to turn the suck dial up to 11. He's HORRIBLE. I've flushed things with more acting ability than this zero.
"Pssst...guys...20 bucks to the guy who drowns Messner."
But the rest of the movie is just as bad. Terrible acting, horrible writing, lame direction, continuity errors…this one has it all.
That having been said, it has a TINY edge over "Alien Vs. Predator". Because this movie has a cute monkey in it…and I'm a sucker for monkeys. But that's pretty much it.
Yes, there are a couple of cool scenes. And yes, the Anacondas look decent, despite the fact that they have no business being in Borneo. But when the best things going for your movie are a monkey and fake snakes, you've GOT to know you're in trouble. Especially when the fake snakes are better actors than most of the cast.
"Hey, English Guy...if you see my talent out there anywhere, let me know, ok?"
If you feel compelled to see this movie, wait. Rent it, get a whole lot of beer, and just make fun of it with your friends. That's the only possible way to enjoy it.
Now,
if you'll excuse me, there's an Anaconda here that requires my attention.
