Open Water
Starring: Blanchard Ryan, Daniel Travis
Written and Directed by: Chris Kentis

Rating: 3.5 (out of 5)

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In Hamlet, William Shakespeare wrote "Brevity is the soul of wit." Now, for some of my readers who don't really "get" Shakespeare (Buceta…I'm looking in your direction…) this basically means that smart writing can be done in few words. Those of you who are regular readers of this column will no doubt be aware that I'm the only damn movie critic on the planet who is incapable of reviewing a movie in under 1500 words. You might read that quote and draw the conclusion that my writing isn't all that intelligent. To that, I say "Hey, I just busted out a fucking SHAKESPEARE quote! Take THAT, smartass!" And if you think that's the best I can do, I'm gonna blow your mind in a minute.

One reason I bring up brevity is because Open Water is only 79 minutes long…one of the shortest movies you'll see this year. But because of the premise, it's just the perfect length, and the result is a solid, smart thriller that does the best that it can with a micro-budget, few actors, and a setting that is sparse to say the least. The other reason is that - because it's a short movie that takes place mostly in the middle of the ocean - there really isn't a lot I can say about it. So this review is going to be a lot shorter than many of my other ones. Brevity through necessity.

Hey…that's fun to say…"Brevity Through Necessity". Say it with me!

"Seriously...check it out...he's writing this review while he's naked!"

Now, the first thing you need to know is that Open Water is based on a true story. It was also shot on a budget of about $130,000, on Digital Video, and features absolutely no special effects. This brings to mind the oft-maligned Blair Witch Project, but there are some key differences. First…you won't get motion sick (you may get seasick, but that's a different story). Secondly, this movie is actually pretty scary. And most importantly, the principals in Open Water can actually ACT.

As the movie opens, we meet Susan (Ryan) and Daniel (Travis). They're your typical young, go-getting, workaholic couple…DINKs (Double-Income-No-Kids if you're a fan of lame acronyms) who really, REALLY need a vacation. So, the first few minutes are spent showing these crazy kids finally putting their lives on hold so that they can have a little fun. They're going DEEP SEA DIVING. I'll wait while you cue the Jaws music.

Done? Okay, I'll wait.

How about now?

Oh, fine then. Just hum it. I've got a review to get to. Brevity, people…brevity!

"I'm serious, honey...tell that guy to stop eyeballing my cleavage!"

So they get to their resort, do some touristy-type stuff, and hit the sheets. This is so they have the opportunity to have a bit of a conversation and develop their characters a bit. They've got some tension, but they love each other. And this vacation is going to be the answer to a lot of their problems…especially since they're going DEEP SEA DIVING.

Okay…hum now. Thank you.

The next day they get out on the boat with a few instructors, a few divers, and over a dozen extras with no lines. Interestingly enough, one of those extras is Steve Lemme, of the comedy troupe Broken Lizard (Club Dread, Super Troopers). I guess he was just in the area.

They all head out into the middle of the ocean, dive, and have a great time. Susan touches an eel, which is kind of a big "fuck you" to Daniel, because she wouldn't touch HIS eel the night before. But whatever.

"I am a nice shark, not a mindless eating machine. If I am to change this image, I must first change myself."

And now, proof that no matter WHAT the job, people can be total idiots. It's true in any profession, you know. You can have idiot doctors, idiot lawyers, idiot unpaid internet movie critics…there's one in every bunch. In this case, we meet the idiot Dive Captain. All he has to do is take a headcount. 20 passengers are on the boat…he only needs to count 20 passengers getting out of the water. Any idiot can count to 20. Hell, even I can count to 20 without a problem (21 if I'm naked). But no…this zero can't quite manage it, and counts 18 people as 20 because he decided to count people coming OUT of that water, rather than the whole "counting the people who are actually ON THE BOAT. And, because one guy went in twice, and one guy originally never went in at all, that just confused the hell out of him. Like Barbie once said…"Math Is Hard."

So The Count is sure there's 20 people on the boat and takes off. Which is bad news for Susan and Daniel, who are still making like Jacques Cousteau. When they finally get to the surface, they're annoyed, because apparently their boat isn't quite where they thought it was. So they wait…and wait…and wait.

Now normally this would be pretty annoying. Being stranded in the middle of the ocean, miles from land, not knowing if anyone knows you're there…I'm an empathetic guy, so I like to think that this situation sucks. But there's also the fact that the waters are infested with sharks, jellyfish, and barracudas. And there's a big storm coming. So the situation no longer sucks…it BLOWS.

More Jaws humming please…thank you.

"I wanted to go to my mother's place in Hoboken...but NOOOO!!!!"

For the next hour or so, we are stranded out there, in the middle of the deep blue sea, with these 2 luckless divers. Since they're waiting for someone to come - that they don't know for sure is coming - they have to talk to each other. A lot. After about 20 minutes, it's like you're not watching Susan and Daniel any more. I started referring to them as Vladimir and Estragon.

BAM! There it is, baby! I went from a Shakespeare reference to a Waiting For Godot reference! How do you like me NOW????? That's some intelligent shit right there. BOO-yah!!!

What pisses me off is that I see a lot of movies that SHOULD be scary. They cost millions of dollars to make, they have entire studios behind them, a cast of Hollywood stars…and then the movie, which SHOULD be scary, winds up sucking ass water (Alien Vs. Predator, for example). Then a guy like Chris Kentis comes along, with $130,000 dollars, and makes a really scary movie. That means that either this Kentis guy is like some sort of film-savant, or that the studios are lazy morons devoid of creativity.

I'd like to see George Lucas pull THIS shit.

This movie, quite frankly, scared the hell out of me. Now, to be fair, I've had my share of nightmares that involve drowning or being stranded somewhere…and Open Water reminded me of every single one of them. I was watching Vladimir and Estragon (BOO-yah!) suffer through this ordeal, and I was arguably as freaked out as they were.

I couldn't even hide behind the knowledge that this was all Hollywood trickery. Every single nasty sea beastie in this movie - from the sharks to the jellyfish - is 100% real. Blanchard Ryan even got bitten by barracudas while shooting the movie. That's what I call dedication.

Performance-wise, there are only 2 that matter…Ryan and Travis as Vladimir and Estragon (DAMN I'm smart!). They're both quite good, which makes me wonder why they haven't worked more up until now. I mean, acting is one thing, but acting when you're up to your neck in water is quite another. I don't think Stanislavsky's "Method" ever trained people for that. Plus, they have great chemistry together. I really bought them as a couple.

"Here, kitty kitty kitty! Who's a nice kitty?"

The entire flick is shot in Digital Video - another nod to the limited budget they had to work with. Now, this worked and DIDN'T work for me. It WORKED because it gave the whole movie a real "vacation from hell" feeling…like when your friends come back and force you to watch their vacation videos. On the other hand…and this might be nitpicking, but it really bothered me…digital video does NOT always look good blown up on a big screen. At times, it looks cheap as hell. I had the same problem with Pieces Of April…good movie, but looked like a friggin' student film at times.

But, for what they had to work with, they did a fantastic job, except for one other part I didn't like that I won't ruin for you. I'm aware of the fact that, being kind of a wimp, this movie scared me more than it would scare most people, so take my "Scary as Hell!" comments with a grain of salt. But I did find it easy to put myself in their position, and wound up really freaked out because of it. I don't think I'm going to go deep sea diving any time soon.

"BUBBLES! EEEWWWWW!!!! YOU'RE SICK!!!!"

Wow…would you look at that? I'm still at almost 1500 words. Hmmm. I guess brevity is NOT the soul of wit after all.

On the other hand, I busted out the Shakespeare and Waiting For Godot stuff…I must be intelligent…right? Right?

Ah, to hell with you.