The Village
Starring: Joaquin Phoenix, Bryce Dallas Howard
Written and Directed by: M. Night Shyamalan

Rating: 2 (out of 5)

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I've got a problem.

This movie has been advertised heavily over the past few weeks. I'm a fan of M. Night's movies…I thought that "The 6th Sense" was incredible, loved "Unbreakable" right up until the final text crawl, and thought "Signs" was awesome right up until they left the basement. So I have a lot of respect for the guy.

But, ever since they started advertising this movie, I can't hear someone say the name "Shyamalan" without adding "a-ding-dong" at the end of it. It's like that old song:

Who put the bomp in the bomp bah bomp bah bomp?
Who put the lan in the Shymalan-a-ding-dong?

It's immature, I know. But hey…I'm an immature guy.

Here's a question for you: If you're a filmmaker, and you're known for "twist" endings…and the audience starts ANTICIPATING the "twist" ending…is it still a twist?

"I'm telling you, Mr. Hurt...these sheep are going to TOTALLY buy this!"

That's what Shyamalanadingdong has to deal with now…pretty much everyone wants to go to his movies because there's going to be a big "Rosebud is a sled!" reveal. The problem is, these reveals are getting less and less interesting. And in "The Village", it's gotten to the point where it's about as surprising and mysterious as the eviction ceremony on your average reality show: you might be a little surprised, but you also really don't give a shit.

The year is 1897. We're introduced to the tiny little town of Covington, Pennsylvania. It's kind of like Walnut Creek from "Little House On The Prairie" in a lot of ways…it's small, everybody knows each other, they talk funny, they're all blissfully happy, and there's a blind girl. I spent half the movie waiting for that bitch Nellie Olson to show up.

Everyone is pretty happy here, except for one TINY little wrinkle. The town is surrounded on all sides by Covington Woods…which are FORBIDDEN. See, there are nasty creatures that live in the woods…and they'll EAT you and shit if you dare violate their space.

"Here I sit, broken hearted. Paid my dime and only..."

All we really know about these beasties, though, is that they're attracted by the colour red. So, red is banned. If a red plant sprouts up, it has to be buried…because, you know, burying a red, seed-bearing plant WON'T cause several other red-seed bearing plants to pop up in their place. Ah, Covington…nice people, but dumb as rocks.

On the flip side, the beasties HATE the colour yellow. So, when they have to go near the woods, they dress in yellow cloaks. This battle of the primary colours has been going on as long as anyone can remember. One of these days, someone wearing an orange sweater is going to confuse the fuck out of everyone involved…you mark my words.

They're so closed off from everyone, that nobody has ventured outside the Village in God-knows-how-long. Yet, Covington is thriving, with a population of at least a couple hundred people. Yes, some people call it bliss and community, I call it inbreeding central. I'm telling you, give it 50 years, and the mutants that wind up populating this "village" are going to be so inbred that they'll make the mutant hillbillies from "Wrong Turn" look like Mensa.

"Hello, good woman. Would you like to retire to my abode so we can make us some inbred hillbilly people?"

But not everyone is afraid of the woods…no no, my friends. Meet our hero, Lucius Hunt (Phoenix). He visits the village elders (including his mother, played by Sigourney Weaver) to ask permission to enter the woods and travel to the "towns" nearby in order to get supplies and medicine. Of course, the elders turn him down flatly…because he could die at the hands of the beasties, or he could make them angry. Because there's nothing a forest-dwelling mutant beast hates more than the presence of penicillin. This leads me to believe that the "creatures" are nothing more than some folks who have nasty cases of the clap…probably brought on by rampant inbreeding. It's the circle of life, you see.

Lucius' bravery doesn't go unnoticed, however. Despite the fact that he talks less than a mute in a library, he seems to be an object of desire for the young womenfolk of the village. One girl, Kitty Walker (Judy Greer) even proposes marriage to the young, hunky mute. Sadly, however, his answer results in poor Kitty crying hysterically into her pillow. So I'm guessing he said no…although, with Joaquin Phoenix, you never know. How would YOU react if a block of wood with a harelip wanted to marry YOU? Pretty poorly, I'd imagine. But, as it turns out, it's because he DID say no. Which just goes to show…this village is so inbred that a block of wood with a harelip is considered a great catch.

He's a pillar of the community...I mean, look at how still and emotionless he is. That's a pillar if I've ever seen one.

An aside: We were in the theatre watching Kitty's breakdown, and Morn leaned over to me and whispered "I hope one of those 'medicines' he wants to bring back is Valium or something." This caused me to piss myself laughing…but at the same time, I'm jealous…that SHOULD have been MY line! I was actually going to steal the credit for that joke, and pass it off as my own, but then Morn made me an offer…I was more than welcome to take credit for the joke, as long as I didn't mind my Adam's apple and testicles trading spots on my body. I think I made the right choice…after all, I might actually need my testicles one of these days.

But Kitty isn't the only one with her eyes on Lucius. Her younger sister Ivy (Howard) likes him as well. Although, to say she has her "eyes" on him is a little unfair, considering that she's blind as a bat. She spends most of her time as a sort of school-marm to the kids in the village, which includes almost constant babysitting of Noah (Adrien Brody), who is the town's version of the Village Idiot. Hmmm…a blind girl and a retarded kid…nope, no inbreeding here.

"Heh...heh...hey...I won an Oscar and you didn't!"

She truly loves Lucius. Part of it is because he's brave and true of heart (like me). But she can also see him…sort of. Apparently, he gives off some kind of "aura" that she can see, and it shows her that he's pure of heart and all that nonsense. I hate to break it to her, but if it's Joaquin Phoenix, the only "aura" he's giving off is what's known to the rest of us as patchouli stink.

Meanwhile, the Beasties seem to be getting a little restless. They're encroaching on the town more and more…due in part to the fact that both Lucius and Noah have been venturing into the woods…Lucius out of curiosity, and Noah because he's too broken to know any better. These damn inbred kids…you can't teach them ANYTHING these days.

Eventually, something horrible happens, and somebody has to go into the "towns" to save the life of one of the villagers…and THAT'S when Shyamalanadingdong's twists come into play.

But they're LAME!!!!!

"Please, someone lead me out of this picture...I implore you!"

I'm not kidding…without giving anything away, these so-called twists pretty much undo everything that was good about the movie up until the final half hour. The first ¾ of it is actually pretty good. It's slow, to be honest, but there's a lot of character development here. And if there's one thing Shyamalanadingdong can do well, it's creating incredible, believable, and likable characters. You'll like, or at least be interested by, most of the characters in this movie.

But then, because it's his "thing", he has to throw these outlandish "twists" in there…and he's gone for the most outlandish ones yet. The result is frustrating…at the showing that I attended, MOST of the people who walked out looked pretty pissed off.

Let me put it to you this way…it's like you're at a restaurant…and all night, you can smell filet mignon cooking…you're salivating like one of Pavlov's dogs, anticipating the juicy goodness to come. Then the waiter plucks a bowl of unflavoured ramen noodles in front of you, says "Bon Appetit", and disappears.

That's "The Village" in a nutshell. All promise, all teasing, and a bland, flavourless finale.

It's too bad, because the first part of the movie is pretty engaging. And the performances are first rate…especially Bryce Dallas Howard.

"Watch what you say, Naked...I could buy and sell your flabby ass."

If you don't know her, it's because she's a relative newcomer. She's only got a handful of credits to her name, and this is her first big part. Of course, she's also the daughter of Ron Howard (AKA Opie Cunningham), but don't hold that against her. This girl is an absolute treasure. Whenever she's on screen, she commands your attention. Her performance is pretty much flawless. I predict an Oscar for this girl within 5 years…she's just wonderful to watch…and cute, too. She's a better actor than her father ever was, and he wasn't bad.

Many of the other performances are great, too. Phoenix, of course, is a block of wood, but I'm used to it by now. Weaver, William Hurt (as one of the elders, and Ivy's father ) is pretty good as well, given the stilted dialogue he's been given to work with. This is one of the best-acted bad movies I've seen in a while. But they're garnish. It's like putting sprigs of parsley on that plate of ramen noodles…they make it look better, but they can't change the bland taste. (Look at me with all the noodle references…)

In the end, it's the "twists" that lead to the movie's undoing. If Shyamalanadingdong had just finished the movie with a more logical conclusion, it would have been fantastic. But he goes over the top with the "surprises" and it renders the rest of the movie impotent as a result.

If anything, rent it, and then turn it off when Hurt tells his daughter "Whatever you do…don't scream."

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to All-You-Can-Eat pasta night. All this talk of noodles has made me hungry.