Against The Ropes (DVD)
Starring: Meg Ryan, Omar Epps
Directed by: Charles S. Dutton

Rating: 2.5 (out of 5)

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Yo Adrian!!!!

Sorry, I just finished watching "Against The Ropes" on DVD, and I felt the burning need to scream out "Yo Adrian!" It's not a "Rocky" thing though. It's actually a reference to my co-worker, Adrian, who borrowed my copy of "Blazing Saddles" a few weeks ago and has yet to return it. The full statement should read "Yo, Adrian…give me my Blazing Saddles back or you're getting an Ex-Lax coffee tomorrow." I apologize for the confusion.

But I can see where the mix-up lies. In a lot of ways, "Against The Ropes" is a lot like "Rocky". They're both stories about boxers who initially work for thugs, succeed despite all odds, and wind up with a shot at fighting the champ. Lessons are learned along the way. In fact, they're pretty much the exact same movie, except this one has Meg Ryan with a tough-girl accent.

Oh, and "Against The Ropes" is purportedly based on a true story…then again, so was "I Love You To Death", so take that claim with a pillar of salt.

"Ah, I remember the good old days, when I was in GOOD movies like...umm... well there was that ONE...I think..."

Ryan - who used to be the "cute girl" in movies, but seems to have abandoned that stereotype for "chesty ball-buster who may or may not get naked" - stars as Jackie Kallen. As the movie opens, we meet a very young Jackie, watching her uncle Ray-Ray sparring in a gym. Because, in my experience, the BEST way to raise a young girl is to expose her to close-up images of sweaty guys beating the shit out of each other. It's a wonder that the real Jackie Kallen didn't turn into Aileen Wuornos.

The reason that young Jackie is there is because her father owns the gym. Of course, her father is a total dickwad. After she watches Uncle Ray Ray beat the crap out of another boxer, Dad responds by yelling at her to get away from the ring…because it's no place for a little girl. Well then, Pops, maybe you should consider getting the kid a fucking babysitter, you cheap bastard. Ah, but Uncle Ray Ray (you can call him Ray, or you can call him Ray, or you can call him Ray Ray…) loves young Jackie. Someone has to…Dad refers to her as a "midget with a head full of stupid." You know, I'm starting to wish she HAD turned into Aileen Wuornos.

Ah, but Ray Ray is a nurturer, you see. He inspires the young Jackie to be a pearl…beautiful on the outside, but tough. So, you've got to think that she grows up to be a doctor, or a DA, or something at least respectable.

No such luck. 40 years later (I think in the movie it's supposed to be 30 years or less, but come on…who are we kidding?) she's risen to the top. And by top, I mean she's working as a secretary for a boxing promoter. You go girl.

"I'd better pay attention...a few more stinkers like this and I'll need to temp somewhere."

She actually hates the job, but the perks are incredible…to wit, she gets to be around boxing all the time. I don't think she realizes it, but that technically makes her a groupie. At least my groupies (both of them) KNOW they're groupies.

So there's a huge fight scheduled between the middleweight champ Devon Green (Tory Kittles) and challenger Pedro Hernandez (coincidentally enough, Juan Hernandez). Before the fight, Jackie notices that Pedro is working out like an obsessed man, while in Devon's dressing room, he's getting screamed at by his mafia-esque manager LaRocca (Tony Shaloub…one of my personal faves). He also seems to have all the energy of Star Jones in a gym.

Oh Tony...why'd you do it? Was it money? I could have GIVEN you money...

And then Green gets his ass kicked. Big time.

At the after-party, Jackie fends off the advances of a horny sports reporter (Tim Daly…making this movie just a Steven Weber short of a Wings reunion) and approaches LaRocca. Wasting no time, LaRocca is now Pedro's new manager. Then Jackie shoots her big yap off and says that Devon might have done better if he'd been supported better, or some such nonsense. LaRocca, being a typical Italian woman-hating stereotype, pretty much shits himself and challenges Jackie, asking if she thinks she could do better. When Jackie says yes, he sells her Devon's contract…for a dollar.

"Very funny, but the joke's on YOU, Mr. Smart Guy...Steven Weber won't return my calls, so there would BE no reunion. Take that!"

An aside: I know that, cinematically, that whole thing is an insult. It's an insult to Jackie…basically, he's giving her what he thinks is trash. It's also an insult to Devon…he's basically saying that he's almost worthless. But, what nobody seems to realize is what a KILLER DEAL she's getting. Buying a human being for a dollar? That's INCREDIBLY CHEAP! From a pure profit point of view, she could sell a pint of his blood and STILL make a profit. And that's a renewable commodity…she could be set for life, just for selling his blood and the occasional organ. I've got to buy me a boxer for a buck…then I can finally quit Day Job and retire.

Well, it turns out she overpaid. When she gets to the former champ's place, she sees that he's doped out of his head on crack. Of course, this means she was WRONG in her assessment of why he lost the fight, but the movie glosses over THAT one. Things go from bad to worse when a drug dealer's thug, named Luther (Epps) breaks in and beats the ever loving shit out of Devon and one of his pals without breaking a sweat.

Going against every possible logical impulse, Jackie decides that she's found her fighter. See, where MOST of us would run screaming and shouting "I didn't see nothing!", JACKIE decides to track him down to see if she can convince him to use is pugilistic skills for good, rather than evil. Hey…how can he say no to such an offer? It's like taking an accountant who cussed out his boss and convincing him to dump his day job in order to be a stand up comic for a living, drinking away his $20 bucks a night in seedy clubs while waiting for his big break. What a deal!

"After I beat the shit out of THIS chump, I'm gonna beat the shit out of my AGENT!"

But, for some reason, Luther agrees, and now Jackie has a fighter. The problem is, fighting is a MAN'S game, and nobody respects her. I personally think that it's less a gender thing and more of a "She's an irritating, loud-mouthed chick with a bad accent" thing, but hey, it's not MY movie. But, when they get the chance, Luther shows that he has the goods and beats the shit out of a whole bunch of people.

Of course, he doesn't do it alone. He's got a coach named Felix (Charles S. Dutton - TV's "Roc") who whips him into shape. It's no easy feat though…Felix is recovering from a stroke, and was previously retired. Apparently, the stroke shut down that part of his brain that told him that training a criminal and working for an aggravating blonde woman is a BAD FUCKING IDEA.

So soon, Luther is aching for a shot at the Champ. Will he get it? Will Jackie get the respect that she so desperately craves? Will money and other things come between Luther and Jackie? Will LaRocca work tirelessly at preventing Jackie from being successful? Well, you'll have to watch to find out, but I can tell you this…the above scenarios are about as likely to happen as is a scene where someone starts clapping SLOWLY, enticing others to join in, until the entire room is consumed with applause. You know…the patented "slow-clap"…the hallmark of all cliché-ridden movies. How can you not love the slow clap?

It's so full of cinematic clichés that it's actually hard to watch at times. Some of the dialogue is enough to make you vomit in your own mouth…which might be part of why I've been sick lately…I've got "Against-The-Ropes" poisoning. Although I don't think Boss Man is going to buy that as an excuse. What a hardass. When "Against-The-Ropes" poisoning spreads through the office, sending dozens of people home with stomach cramps, he'll be sorry then.

"Just pretend the tire is The Naked Critic's head."

But back to the dialogue…let me give you an example. Get a bucket ready. (And I'm paraphrasing here…I can't bring myself to watch this scene again). Jackie is talking about the complete and utter disdain she has for her boss and LaRocca:

JACKIE: You know what they are? You see this?
RENEE: Your shoe.
JACKIE: They're like the GUM on the BOTTOM of my shoe?
RENEE: So, if they're the gum, and you're the shoe, why are THEY walking all over YOU?

Take a moment and vomit now. I'll wait.

(pause)

Epps and Ryan appear nervous after reading the script.

Ah, you're back. Now you can all back me in telling my boss why I've been sick.

It's not all bad though…there are a few moments where I had a genuine laugh or two…intentional laughter, not the nauseating-dialogue kind of laughter. There are a few performances here that kind of stand out. Epps is pretty good as the fighter. Shaloub is great, and Dutton - who also directed - is actually excellent…or at least as excellent as he can be with this script. Ryan, on the other hand, is passable at best. Her character isn't likeable, her accent is enough to make air sick, and she generally looks embarrassed to be there.

As far as special features go, there's not a whole hell of a lot here. No bloopers, deleted scenes or outtakes…which sadly means that this mediocrity is the best they had to work with. There are 2 documentaries though…one is more or less a press kit, but the other is pretty interesting. It's a look at the real-life Jackie Kallen. The interesting part is that she seems pretty underwhelmed with the movie that got made. She carps about how they start changing one thing, than another, and so on. For my money, I'd have liked the REAL Jackie Kallen story better…I think it must be more entertaining.

"Well, look on the bright side, Ms. Ryan...you COULD be making 'Proof Of Life 2'."

It's not all bad…it's just full of clichés, and some good performances can only go so far towards redeeming it. It's a decent rainy-day rental…nothing more…and then only if the local video store is all out of "Return Of The King"

Now, if you'll excuse me…I have to see what I can do about buying a boxer for a dollar. Soon, I'll be on EASY STREET! So long, suckers!