Spider-Man 2
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Spider Man 2
Starring: Tobey Maguire, Kirsten Dunst
Directed by: Sam Raimi

Rating: 3.5 (out of 5)

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A funny thing happened to me a couple of years ago, before the first Spider Man movie came out.

I was dating a girl named Wendy at the time. It was pretty serious…we wound up living together briefly, but that's a whole other story that involves her saying the most shallow and horrible thing that's ever been said to me. Suffice it to say that, at the time this anecdote took place, we were pretty happy. Well, I was pretty happy, because she was really cute, looked an awful lot like Renee Zellweger, and had fantastic, PHENOMENALLY LARGE breasts.

Oh…this just in…I'm a shallow prick at times.

We went out to see a movie…I can't remember which one right now. After watching the 86 minutes of commercials, and the clever little Trivia Bites before the show (Unscramble the name of this PRETTY WOMAN: JULAI ROBERST) we were then treated to the requisite 28 movie trailers before the main feature. One of these trailers was for a movie called "Spider Man." "Meh", I thought, my comic-book-geek ennui bubbling to the surface, "Spider Man's been DONE, man. Why don't they make a 'Daredevil' movie instead? As long as they don't fuck it up by casting Ben Affleck in it, how bad can it be?"

But then, I saw it…the image that will be burned into my id for the rest of my life…Kirsten Dunst's hard nipples in a wet tank top.

I don't care what you think of me...this is HOT!

Now, Wendy and I hadn't been dating long at the time, so I wasn't one to gawk at other women as of yet. I normally wait at LEAST three months before staring at other women's breasts…it's a comfort-level thing. But, I couldn't help it, and the second I saw those magnificent orbs flashing their glorious high-beams at me, threatening to poke through my ocular cavity into my pea-brain, I was transfixed, and somehow managed to shout out "HOLY SHIT!!!"

"I know," Wendy said. "That movie looks good, doesn't it?" She was so blissfully oblivious…then again, I wasn't dating her for her brain.

Oh no...Spider Man's going to be unmasked! That NEVER happens!

As for the movie itself, it was pretty damned good. The CGI was a little obvious, and the fight scenes between Spider Man and the Green Goblin seemed, to me, to be a lot like an episode of "Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers". But that's what happens when your two fighters have to banter wearing full-face masks. Plus, director Sam Raimi was responsible for "Army Of Darkness" which, in my book, makes him pretty much God.

So, as a result, my expectations for "Spider Man 2" were pretty high. And I liked it…I really, really did. But nowhere near as much as everyone else seems to like it. The critics over at Rotten Tomatoes seem to be ejaculating their own kind of "web fluid" all over it, like Peter North on an 18-year old "model" from Oklahoma. Roger Ebert is calling it "The best superhero movie since the modern genre was launched with Superman." That just goes to show that he doesn't know what he's talking about. He's OBVIOUSLY ignoring the Roger Corman-produced "Fantastic Four", Albert Pyun's masterpiece "Captain America", and the gold-standard for superhero movies, Shaquille O'Neal's brilliant "Steel". Note to Roger…you need to see more movies before you can make a pronouncement like that, okay pal? Thanks.

"One, two, cha-cha-cha...three, four, cha-cha-cha!"

This time out, we start out with a quick comic-book-style montage that more or less sums up everything that happened in the first movie, if you're one of the 8 people alive who didn't see it. Peter Parker (Maguire) gets bitten by genetically-engineered spider, gets spider powers, becomes a wrestler, indirectly causes his uncle's death, and decides to fight crime to make up for it. The end.

Now we catch up with Peter Parker. He's managed to learn the lesson that his late Uncle Ben (Cliff Robertson) taught him…"With great power comes great responsibility." He puts this into practice by using his fantastic, super-human powers to deliver a bunch of pizzas. See, THIS Peter Parker manages to have even more things to juggle in his life than your buddy Naked here. 2 jobs, full-time university studies, and beating the living shit out of crooks. Between day-job and this site, I almost NEVER have time to dish out vigilante justice any more. He must have a day-timer or Spider-PDA to help organize his time. Then again, he's lousy at most of these things, which means we may be more alike than I realized.

In fact, he has almost NO time for a social life, which means he's pretty much ignored his two best friends. Mary Jane (Dunst), if you'll remember, pretty much THREW herself at him, only to be rejected. Meanwhile, his other friend Harry (The mannequin-esque James Franco) loves Peter, but HATES Spider Man…and all because Spidey was cruel enough to kill his super-villain father in the first movie. Dude…get over it.

"Call ME a mannequin, will you? I'll KILL YOU!!!!!"

Meanwhile, Mary Jane seems to have morphed from obscenely hot high school girl in the first movie, to obscenely hot model-actress in this one. This actually presents quite a problem for Dunst. Her character is appearing in a production of "The Importance Of Being Ernest", which means that Dunst has to play her as someone who can actually act. It's not easy for a bad actress to play someone who can act…kudos to the girl!

An aside: Okay, I'm not a Kirsten Dunst fan. But it's just because she's a poor actress and stone-cold idiot. I'm not kidding…a few years ago, she was on Celebrity Jeopardy. One of the questions (or "answers" if you will) asked her to identify the author of "Interview With A Vampire", the book that spawned the movie that gave Dunst her big break. SHE COULDN'T ANSWER THE QUESTION. For my money, she makes Paris Hilton look like Stephen Hawking in the brains department. If she wasn't so hot, I'd never watch a movie of hers again.

"Hey, Kirsten, it's okay...I don't read books either...there's nothing to be embarassed about..."

But back to the movie…so, with all this going on in his life, you've GOT to think that something's gotta give for poor Peter. Fans of the comic book know that the character has historically been more guilt-and-angst-ridden than every episode of "Beverly Hills 90210" and "My So-Called Life" rolled into one, so this is actually a pretty nice touch.

But he's trying. And to avoid flunking out of University, he's writing a paper about a brilliant scientist named Otto Octavius (Alfred Molina, one of the most under-rated actors working today). Fortunately, Otto works for Peter's pal Harry, who manages to set up a meet-and-greet between the two. And, as it turns out, Otto's a genuinely nice guy. Then again, Peter has obviously never seen a super-hero movie. The brilliant scientist ALWAYS becomes a power-mad super-villain, you fool!

In this case, Otto is developing some invention that could harness the power of an artificially-created sun, or some such bullshit. And he does this with the help of 4 mechanical arms that attach to him and are controlled by his mind, or some such bullshit. And the experiment goes wrong, kills his wife, and drives him insane, or some such bullshit. Chaos, and some-such-bullshit, naturally ensue.

The secreT of Alfred Molina's tan REVEALED!

But hey…what's the big deal about a power-mad scientist when you've got a super-hero handy, right? After all, fighting bad guys is what superheroes DO. It's right there in the friggin' JOB DESCRIPTION! But the ad is a little misleading. "Wanted: Super hero to protect city from batshit-crazy scientists and other low-level easily-beaten thugs. Make your own hours! Must not be allergic to Spandex. Apply at 1-800-CLICHES-R-US." What they DON'T tell you is that the pay is utter shit. And, with family obligations, jobs, school, and rent to pay, Peter's pretty much fed up with this whole "superhero" thing.

I can't say as I blame him. I'll let you in on a little secret…and I alluded to it earlier: I'm a superhero. Yes, it's true…I'm Captain Naked. I don't fight crime too much…I find writing caustic movie reviews to be much more satisfying than beating the crap out of bank robbers and their ilk. And, because I'm Captain NAKED, I don't have to wear a costume, which is nice. Basically, my Modus Operandi involves dropping in front of bad guys, pointing my enormous "Belly Of Justice" at them, and then incapacitating them when they double over laughing at the size of my penis. But, you know, it stops crime, so it's all worth it.

"Oh SNAP, if he's got a fifth tentacle in his PANTS, I'm DEAD!"

So, there you have it. Comic-book movies have never really been much on plot. Yet, everybody is LOVING it, and I merely liked it. You may be asking yourself "Why is this?"

I'll be honest, I can SEE why everyone likes it. In a lot of ways, it's better than the first movie. There are no Power-Rangers fight scenes, the CGI is a LOT better, and it's really story-and-character driven. The guilt-and-angst stuff is really nicely done, and makes Spider Man a more sympathetic and believable hero than his cinematic predecessors. Once you can get over the whole "does-whatever-a-spider-can" stuff, Peter's actually a very intriguing guy. So is Octavius, or "Doctor Octopus" as he's later known as. Other than Dunst and Franco, the actors in the movie all do a really good job with a script that is, to put it politely, wordy.

And MAN, can these guys talk. Especially Peter. This movie is more dialogue-heavy than a Kevin Smith movie. It's not bad dialogue, but some of these scenes just DRAG ON AND ON. If Peter ever stops wanting to be Spider Man, he can just be Peter Parker and talk these crooks to death.

"It doesn't take much to see that the problems of a psycho scientist, a redhead with great cans, and a kid in a bug suit don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world..."

Molina, though, is damned good. He's alternately charming and menacing, and pulls them both off well. I liked Willem DaFoe's "Green Goblin" in the last movie, but he was also pretty cartoony. Molina, on the other hand, takes a nice, frequently understated approach which I liked a lot better.

It's not all moping though. The action scenes really are excellent, although too few and far between for my liking. Normally, I'd like the fact that the movie relied on character more so than action, but I just really feel that the scale could have been tipped a little more in the favor of action in this one.

One thing I DID like is the humor. There are some hysterically funny moments in Spider Man 2. An awkward elevator ride cracked me right up (you'll know the scene when you see it.). But the funniest part of the movie is actually a sort-of "in joke" that completely sailed over my head when I first saw it, but then hit me later on. I won't ruin it, but I will remind you of one thing…Tobey Maguire hurt his back when he was making "Seabiscuit" and almost couldn't make this movie. Remember this, and you'll be treated to a VERY funny scene mid-movie. That's all I'm going to say.

Poor Tobey never really got the hang of this whole "flipping people off" thing.

There is one thing that REALLY bothers me about Spider Man 2 though, and that's the whole "Secret Identity" thing. Peter spends so much time in costume, with his mask OFF, that there must be only about 5 people in all of New York who DON'T know who Spider Man really is. Seriously, Spidey's identity is about as "secret" as the identity of the guy who killed Nicole Brown Simpson. It's a little thing, but it bugged the hell out of me.

And for all you guys out there, I have some good news…Kirsten Dunst once again thrusts her breasts out while they're wrapped in wet clothing. Enjoy…I know I did.

Damn.

It's not bad…by ANY stretch of the imagination. I recommend it, especially if you're a fan of the first movie. But I do honestly think it still could have been better.

Well, that's all for the review...now I'm off to gawk at the topless pictures of Wendy that I have that she doesn't know about. Maybe I'll post them in my journal. That'll teach her for saying she can do better than me.