White Chicks
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White Chicks
Starring: Shawn Wayans, Marlon Wayans
Directed by: Keenen Ivory Wayans

Rating: 3 (out of 5)

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There are days when it's really tough being an unpaid internet movie critic.

Sure, there's the free movies, DVDs, and occasional Swag that comes my way. That's all well and good. It makes having to sit through total and utter shit like "Soul Plane" and "Assassination Tango" bearable. But today, my friends, I am risking it all. I'm risking my credibility as a critic, my standing in unpaid-internet-critic society, and losing the respect of my family and friends, by saying what I'm about to say.

I kind of liked "White Chicks".

"Oh, Naked...THANK you! Thanks so much for that RINGING endorsement!"

I'll understand if you want to see other critics.

I can't help it. I'm only human. Granted, I'm a human who truly loves a lot of bad movies, but knows they're bad. I'm a human being…and every once in a while, I slip. And I slipped down in my seat watching "White Chicks" and giggled my fat, pasty-white ass off. Sue me.

(This is a note from the Naked Critic's lawyer. Please do not sue him for liking "White Chicks". It's not like you don't have a case…you absolutely do. But I'm pleading with you as a lawyer…please DON'T. He hasn't got a pot to piss in, and if he can't pay ME for trying to get him out of all those jaywalking tickets, then you'll never see dime one. Just give it up and move on…it will make my life much easier. Thanks. Sincerely, Julius Arthur, Attorney-at-law.)

It's kind of embarrassing, actually. After all, the movie has a lame sitcom plot, features bizarre logic, has an unbelievable premise, and is directly responsible for keeping members of the Wayans family employed. By rights, I should despise this movie with every fiber of my being.

"Shhh! Quiet! Hello, Dominos? This is the Naked Critic calling...yeah, I want to order 25 party size pizzas...extra anchovies..."

The plot of this movie is more or less "Some Like It Hot", with a "White Like Me" twist to it. As the movie opens, we meet Marcus and Kevin Copeland. They're played by Marlon and Shawn Wayans, respectively…otherwise known as the Tito and Randy of the Wayans family. The Copelands are FBI agents, but, in true sitcom-movie fashion, they're not very good at it. In fact, they're bumbling idiots. In the opening scene, they're DEEP undercover, trying to bust a drug ring or something, and sporting disguises that are about one-step above a Groucho-nose-and-glasses. They're posing as ice-cream-store clerks, Spanish ones at that. We know this because one of them (Tito, I think) speaks with an outrageous accent, while Randy speaks only in Latin song lyrics.

"Hey, it was either this or we both wear George Bush masks."

This isn't the funny part.

A couple of Ice Cream Delivery guys come in and start speaking to the pair in "code," saying that they have the shipment of "Vanilla Ice Cream". Get it? Now, you have to wonder, as you always do, how stupid these movie crooks have to be in order to fall for such a Bugs Bunny scheme. Ah, but once Tito and Randy knock the guys out, they realize that they were the REAL ice cream delivery guys, and the drug guys get away scot-free. The lesson here is that Movie Bad Guys aren't always dumb, but Movie Ice Cream Delivery Guys ARE always dumb.

So, the guys get chewed out by the tough-as-nails boss (Frankie Faison), while the smug co-workers (Lochlyn Munro, Eddie Velez) stand by and make smug co-worker comments. Sadly, nobody shoots them.

This isn't the funny part.

Meanwhile, we get a peek into the home life of the happily married Marcus (Tito). As it turns out, his lovely wife Gina (Faune Chambers) is, well, a jealous possessive psycho bitch from hell. She calls him constantly on his mobile phone, and freaks out when it takes him 8 minutes to walk home instead of 6. Now keep in mind, Marcus is an FBI Agent…which means he has a gun. How this guy managed to stay married without turning the gun on himself is anyone's guess.

"Baby, I TOLD you...I wear YOUR robe because it's so soft against my skin!"

Anyhoo, a big assignment comes up. Apparently the feds have intel (love those fancy FBI words) that Brittany and Tiffany Wilson (Maitland Ward and Anne Dudek), a couple of heiresses, are the targets of a kidnapping plot. That's WILSON, by the way, not HILTON, although they're even more annoying than the Hiltons. I'm not kidding…even Iraqi kidnappers would give themselves up after spending 20 minutes with these 2 twinkies. So, it's up to the smug co-workers to head up to the Hamptons and crack the case, and the Copelands get to DRIVE these bimbos from the airport to the hotel. This is a job that's right up there with "Raw Sewage Inspector" and "Star Jones Diet Enforcer" on the list of desirable jobs out there.

"Ugh. ANOTHER Star Jones joke? That is SOOO played out!"

(This is a note from the Naked Critic's lawyer to Star Jones's people. Please do not sue him for making fun of Star Jones. As I stated earlier, the guy's broke. And besides, any money she gets out of him is just going to get blown on Krispy Kremes and Double-Stuf Oreos anyway. Thanks. Sincerely, Julius Arthur, Attorney-at-law.)

But still, they manage to bungle the job, although to be fair, it's not their fault. One of the girls has this annoying little rat of a dog that causes an accident. The result is that the girls are horribly disfigured…with mild cuts and bruises. I cause more injury to myself when I have my weekly shave. So, like the spoiled little bitches that they are, they have a tantrum and refuse to go to the Hamptons, lest they be mocked for their imperfections. But then…the boys come up with a brilliant plan.

IMPERSONATE THE WHITE CHICKS.

Fortunately, the Dr. Frankenstein that set up their hideous disguises earlier is but a phone call away. And he's more than willing to spend hours making the boys up to look like tiny young blonde white girls. Oh, and he's willing to do this without letting their boss know. It's all very convenient. Several hours worth of prosthetics later, and VOILA!

"Come on...pull it! It's just my finger...what's the worst that could happen?"

The guys look like hideous horror-movie versions of white girls.

This is not the funny part.

Now, in true sitcom-movie-fashion, it's up to the guys to seamlessly impersonate the girls in front of all their rich friends. And, in true sitcom-movie-fashion, nobody suspects a thing, despite the fact that they look, sound, and act nothing like the real thing. On the flip side, their FBI co-workers don't seem to suspect anything is out of the ordinary either. If this is the level of FBI agent that's running around today, I'm surprised that the Homeland Security Level isn't at fire-engine-red with the caption "WE'RE ALL FUCKING DOOMED"

And from there, it's your typical fish-out-of-water story, as the guys bond with friends of the girls, teach them lessons about life, go shopping, sing Vanessa Carlton songs, compete with 2 other rich bitches from hell (Jaime King and Brittany Daniel) and learn first hand that it's not always easy to be a girl.

"I can't believe we're on SUCH a lame site...come on, Brittany...let's go hang out at Ain't It Cool News..."

THIS, believe it or not, is the funny part. Now, don't get me wrong…this isn't exactly Woody Allen material here. Hell, it's not even Woody Harrelson. But the situations that these guys find themselves in pretending to be the rich girls are occasionally very, very funny.

Part of it is the disguises…now don't get me wrong…they look kind of ridiculous, and nothing like the girls they're trying to impersonate. But, at the same time, they're fairly impressive in their own right. Tito and Randy are wholly unrecognizable…and looks wise, they're on par with drag queens. But hearing these two girls talk with deep, male voices - although a cheap gag - made me laugh every time…especially when they get all "street".

"I don't believe you...if BJORK couldn't pull it off, what made you think WE could?"

Another big part of it is that a lot of the situations they find themselves in are genuinely funny. These guys are pretty much game for anything, and it results in some pretty good physical comedy at times. A shopping trip goes wrong for both of them, when one of them has to be shoehorned into an outfit while the other is constantly screamed at by a weight-obsessed friend (Jessica Carpenter). Please don't take this as me saying that becoming obsessed with being thin is funny…it's not. Although, to be fair, I had a good laugh today when my friend Milo pointed out to me that it look like Mary Kate Olsen might have had a "Full House", but her kitchen and stomach were empty.

(This is a note from the Naked Critic's lawyer to The Olsen Twins' people. Please do not sue him for quoting his friend's tasteless joke…actually, you know what? Fuck him. I've got better things to do than defend this knob while he offends people. You're on your own, assnozzle. I quit. Sincerely, Julius Arthur, Attorney-at-law.)

"Hey baby...do I still need to wrap it, or will all the latex on your face help protect us?"

Of course, the funniest character in the movie has to be a basketball player named Latrell Spencer (Terry Crews). He's OBSESSED with white women…so much so that he buys a date with "Tiffany" at a charity auction, poor Tito has to spend the better part of the movie fending off his advances. And no matter WHAT he does, Latrell just won't give up. Crews is hysterical here, and literally steals every single scene he's in. It got to the point where the audience in the screening I saw started laughing every time he appeared on stage. He's THAT funny.

Of course, what doesn't help matters is the sheer predictability of the movie. It literally plays out like a weaker episode of Bosom Buddies, with an ending that was so close to Scooby Doo, I was waiting for the Amusement Park Owner to show up and start shaking his fist at those meddling kids.

"Go long...no, longer...keep going...keep going...no, that's too far...hey! Come back! What are you running from?"

And one thing that REALLY bugged me is how quickly these guys could apparently slip in and out of their disguises. By the looks of the quick changes they do, you'd think that it's no more complex than pulling on a T Shirt. Please. With REAL women, hair and makeup is an hours-long ordeal. I once was able to sit through all 3 hours of Magnolia in the time it took a girl to make herself "presentable" enough to go out for subs.

And SUBPLOTS…man, so many subplots. Romance, marriage problems, kidnapping, fraud…and you care about absolutely none of it. I just didn't care about the actual STORY. I cared less about that than Courtney Love cares about sobriety. Oh, wait…my lawyer quit. Ignore that last joke.

It's a good thing White Chicks is funny, because that's pretty much all it has going for it. Decide for yourself if that's enough.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go and find a new lawyer…I'm telling you, I go through lawyers like Larry King goes through wives. Wait, I've got a better one…I go through lawyers like Van Halen goes through lead singers! Like tornados go through trailer parks! Like Matthew Perry goes through Vicodin!

See, the reason I go through them so quickly is because of stunts like that.