Soul
Plane
Starring: Kevin Hart, Method Man, TOM FUCKING ARNOLD
Directed by: Jessy Terrero
Rating: 0 (out of 5)
Okay, to start with, anyone who didn't KNOW this was gonna suck can stop reading right now. If you see a movie that STARS Tom Arnold, and don't automatically assume that it's going to suck the sweat from a dead bear's balls, you shouldn't be reading this column. Chances are, you'll miss all the subtle wit that I employ when writing a review...you know, dick jokes, fart jokes...the good stuff.
That having been said, I almost made a huge mistake when heading to the screening of this cinematic suppository. To wit, I didn't read the fine print close enough. I had the pass, and all I really knew about it was that it had Snoop Dogg in it. And, since I got a fair number of laughs out of Snoop's appearance on Saturday Night Live a few weeks ago, I figured it couldn't be all bad.
So, I wound up at the theatre about an hour earlier than I needed to. I toyed with the idea of downing a cocktail or 12 at the pub next door first, but then I figured, "No. I do NOT need to drink before seeing a movie. I need to keep my wits about me, to be able to judge it fairly." I thought I'd read a bit while I waited, but since I didn't have a book with me, I opted to read the pass instead. And that's when the 2 most horrific words in the English language stared me in the face.
TOM ARNOLD
2 minutes later, I had 5 empty shot glasses of Jagermeister in front of me. I'm only human. And, believe it or not, that wasn't enough to steel me.
Warning sign number 2 was entering the theatre itself. Normally, promotional screenings like this are overbooked, to ensure capacity. So, if a theatre has, say, 500 seats, they give away at least 550 passes. And usually, the place is packed full about 20 minutes before the start of the movie. Well, I shit you not, the place was BARELY 1/3 full. My friend Butcher said that this was likely because it was the same night that the American Idol finale was on. While this theory has merit, I choose to believe that it was because everyone else KNEW this was a comedy with Tom Arnold, and either stayed home or committed seppuku rather than face this movie head-on.
The sad thing is, it COULD have been pretty funny. Wait, I'm wrong...it couldn't have been. The only way this movie could have been better was if they had a better cast, script, director, and producer. Then, in this fantasy world of mine, the lot of them would have been shipped off to Abu Ghraib for ten years, preventing any of them from committing one frame of this movie to celluloid. Yes, it's THAT BAD.
With Star Jones working the security counter, we can all finally fly in peace.
It's the story of Nashawn Wade (Hart). Nashawn explains to us that he's always loved airplanes, because when he was a kid, they were so poor they lived next to the airport, where landing planes would miss the top of their house by about 4 feet. So, I guess despite hearing loss and structural damage, you can still love something.
Years later, he gets on a plane, where he has to check his dog as luggage. While on the plane, he manages to annoy everyone. This is our hero, folks. Then, after eating some Beef Stroganoff, he has to run to the bathroom with a bad case of the trots. This is funny, you see, because it tells you how bad airline food is.
So the plane hits turbulence or something, and somehow Nashawn winds up with his ass suctioned to the toilet seat. When they try to free him, they accidentally jettison the luggage, and as he watches, his poor, caged dog is sucked into the jet engine. I'll wait for the waves of laughter caused by a violent death of an innocent animal to subside.
When the studio's art department can't even Photoshop properly, you know you're in trouble.
Well, Nashawn sues, and this being America, he's awarded $100 million dollars. It's not really up to me to place a monetary value on a fucking DOG, but $100 million does seem pretty excessive. So anyway, he does what any other unemployed, annoying person would do with $100 million dollars...he buys his own airline.
Of course, "airline" is pushing it. There's only one plane...but despite this, they have an entire terminal to themselves at LAX. Oh, and the name of the airline is Nashawn Wade Arilines, or NWA for short. This is funny, see, because NWA is also the name of one of those rap orchestras that the kids enjoy so much these days.
Snoop's favourite kind of weather? Drizzle..
The good news is that the plane is TRICKED OUT, complete with rims, one of those things that make it bounce up and down, and all the regular amenities that you'd expect from a quality airline. Oh, there's also a dance club on the plane, which is about 10 times the size of the plane itself. Maybe this plane is like the Tardis on Doctor Who...a phone booth on the outside, but huge on the inside. Perhaps Nashawn was able to use the $100 million bucks to circumvent the basic laws of physics, creating something bigger on the inside than on the outside. Or, you know, maybe the filmmakers are just fucking idiots. I haven't decided yet.
Instead of "First Class" and "Coach", NWA has "High Class" and "Low Class". High Class gets lobster and champagne, while Low Class gets Colt 45 and fried chicken. This is funny, see, because it's a stereotype, but this time we're SUPPOSED to laugh. Oh, and in one of the very, very, very mildly amusing sight gags in the movie, "Low Class" also features straps hanging from the ceiling, like on a subway.
"Holy crap! Look! We're on a lame website!"
Ah, but we haven't met our dopey, square white guy yet...and look! It's TOM ARNOLD! He's Elvis Hunkee. This is funny, see, because it sounds like "Honky". Him and his annoying family have just returned from a vacation at a theme park called "Cracker Land". This is funny, see, because both Cracker and Honky are derogatory terms for white people. Other members of his breed include new girlfriend Barbara (Missi Pyle), who seems to be an insufferable, gold-digging bitch. There's young son Billy (Ryan Pinkston), who seems to be down with the urban crowd, and teenage daughter Heather (Arielle Kebbel), who, in typical teenage fashion, is rebelling. She does this by loudly telling her father in public that when she turns 18, she can do whatever she wants, including teabagging. This is funny, see, because young kids shouldn't know about teabagging. In fact, nobody should.
Ah, but the stereotypes aren't done HERE, folks. Let's see, there's Nashawn's no-account cousin Muggsy (Method Man), the stoner ex-con pilot Captain Mack (Snoop Dogg), and the flamboyantly gay, lip-gloss-wearing flight attendant Flame (Gary Anthony Williams). This is funny, see, because you can call someone who is very effeminate "flaming". See? Get it? And the gay guy's name is FLAME!!!! Oh, and if that's not enough homophobia for you, there's a co-pilot named Gaeman (Godfrey). He exists so the rest of the cast can make "Gay Man" jokes.
"Look! He's gay! And faggots are funny! LAUGH! PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, SOMEBODY LAUGH!"
This movie, actually, is loaded to the teeth with negative stereotypical reinforcement. Because it's fun to make fun of others. The toilet seat, for instance, has a "white people" adaptor, which is skinnier and smaller. See, that's funny because - as Def Comedy Jam has taught me - white people have skinny little bootys, while black people have big ol' bootys.
Oh, and don't forget the TWO, count 'em, TWO 9-11 jokes. At one point, everyone freaks out because an Arabic man is on board. Then later, we see a picture of Captain Mack with his "Flight School" buddies who turn out to be the Taliban. Oh, that wacky TERRORIST humour...I can never get enough of that.
And, believe it or not, that's not the most offensive thing in the movie. No, my friends, THAT distinction goes to a scene involving a blind man who also happens to be a "playa". At one point, the blind playa finger-bangs a baked potato, thinking it's a woman's...well, you get the idea. See, it's funny, because he's blind.
"Being blind, ladies, my other senses over-compensate. For instance, I SMELL a horribly offensive character somewhere in this room..."
Now, it's fair to say that I'm not exactly the target audience for this movie. I'm willing to accept that. But I don't think that would explain the roughly 15 members of the "target audience" who walked out in disgust halfway through. Nor would it explain the complete and utter lack of laughter from the rest of the "target audience".
I really think that these people were trying for a new "Airplane!", but they failed. Miserably. "Airplane!" was silly and over the top, whereas this is a bunch of recycled, unfunny jokes, told by a horrific cast. When Tom Fucking Arnold and Snoop Dogg are the two most entertaining characters in your movie, you've got problems, folks. Big problems.
In the end, the simple truth is it's not funny. Not even so-bad-its-funny funny. This audience made less noise than a Mormon couple having sex.
If I see a worse movie this year, I'll be surprised.
