Paycheck
Starring: Ben Affleck, Uma Thurman
Directed by: John Woo

Rating: 3 (out of 5)

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All right ...let's have a show of hands. If YOU'D been banging Uma Thurman, would you want those memories erased from your head? Hands up if you'd erase them.

That's pretty interesting, actually. All you girls who didn't raise your hand, email me. We need to talk.

The reason I'm asking is, THAT'S one of the major flaws behind "Paycheck", the Ben "Don't call me 'Bennifer' anymore" Affleck sci fi flick. Actually, there are a lot of flaws, and believe it or not, the fact that it stars Ben Affleck isn't one of them. Besides, he's dreamy. (sigh)

It could have been a lot better. For starters, the original story was written by Philip K. Dick, who wrote a LOT of great sci-fi stories. He's the one who wrote the stories that became Blade Runner, Minority Report, and Total Recall. The guy knew his shit. And so far, Hollywood has done well by him.

"Don't worry, honey...they're just angry 'Gigli' viewers...they'll go away soon..."

It starts off promisingly enough. We meet Michael Jennings (Affleck), and, like any good action movie hero, he's shopping. In particular, he's shopping for a 3D computer monitor, which I'm hoping was a lot more impressive in person than it was on screen. Then again, I hope such an innovation gets invented soon...it will give all my porn-surfing an all-new dimension. Then, it could be like the hot, sweaty, excited women are ignoring me in the VERY SAME ROOM... which would be like some relationships I've had, to be frank.

So, brand-new monitor in hand, he starts walking down this backlit hallway. See, rule number one in mysterious sci-fi movies is to use a lot of backlight. Because apparently, we haven't perfected backlight yet, but in the future, it will be rampant and common.

At this point, he makes small talk with some cute, corporate-style girl, and gets locked into some room, where he gets to work. His job, by the way, is to tear this thing to shreds and point at a lot of science-fictiony things, occasionally wearing glasses to let us all know that he's smart. It doesn't seem all that tough...shit, I break stuff all the time, but nobody's paying me to do it. Can you imagine what a cool job that could be?

BOSS: Naked, I've got a job for you.
ME: Okay
BOSS: See this priceless Ming vase? I want you to break it for me.
CRASH!!!!
ME: Ok, can I go to lunch now?
BOSS: Sure!
CRASH!!!!
BOSS: What was that?
ME: Your Steinway piano. Sorry...I slipped.
BOSS: Wow! You're a keener! That was your next assignment! Take the rest of the week off!

Man, that would be sweet.

Anyhoo, back in Affleckville (best known for their 80's hit "Forever Young"), it turns out that Jennings' job has been to actually tear the monitor apart, see how it works, and then build a better one. He's apparently done this by taking the cheesy looking 3D image from the monitor, and creating an equally cheesy looking 3D image WITHOUT the monitor. At this point, he's hailed a genius...which is funny, because he's Ben Affleck. Then the corporate chick has sex with him, which is frustrating, because he's Ben Affleck.

Aha, but then there's the twist. After injecting the corporate chick with his heady Affleck-butter, he straps himself into a bondage chair and has his memory of the entire project erased. We do not know, at this point, if corporate chick has the same procedure done, but you have to hope so. I can't imagine a woman who would want the memory of "Little Bennifer" penetrating her for 45 seconds.

"Any chance you can erase my memories of 'Gigli'?"

So it turns out that this is the extent of Jennings' existence...he works, gets his memory wiped, and then has a boatload of cash to show for it.

An aside: Tell me, folks, this isn't a fucking DREAM come true. I'd LOVE to go to work all day, put up with Bossman's shit, go home, and have the memory of it wiped clean, with only my wages to show for it. Actually, I've got a similar process in place now: I deal with Bossman all day, come home, and drink myself into a coma. Sadly, it doesn't erase the memory altogether, but I figure since I only have a finite number of brain cells, it's only a matter of time.

So, after this 2-month project, Jennings goes home, with his final memory being that the Red Sox made it to the World Series. This proves, once again, that they call it Science FICTION for a reason. And, as it turns out, the Sox LOSE the series, which proves that even Science FICTION needs to be grounded in reality. There was no actual reason for me to add that, other than to piss off Red Sox fans. But, the way I see it, they've been pissed off their entire lives, so my dopey little joke isn't going to make any difference.

Shortly afterwards, Jennings goes to a party and hits on a sexy doctor named Rachel (Thurman). Predictable, she's kind of bemused by him, although she does show some interest. I guess after being married to Ethan Hawke, she's drawn to anyone who showers more than once a month. He also takes a meeting with James Rethrick (Aaron Eckhart), president of some el-huge-o company. He's basically what Bill Gates would be like if he was handsome, charming, and paid more than 8 bucks for a haircut. Rethrick offers Jennings a huge job...three years of work, with an 8-figure payday (based on stock options...obviously, this was written years ago before "stock options" were corporate code for "You're going to wind up in the Bowery") Oh, and once again, his memory will be erased. Now, Jennings ISN'T wearing his glasses, which means he's not in "smart" mode, so he takes the job. But, to be fair, for 8 figures, you could wipe out 30 years of my memory, never mind 3. I'll probably just piss them away anyway.

So Jennings goes, gets set up, agrees to live on this company's "campus" (No...this isn't Microsoft at all!) and gets to work. Three years later, he's free, clear, and rich, and has no idea what he's done in the meantime. This is kind of like the years 1998-2001 for me, except without the money.

"Wow...on the big screen like this, 'Gigli' really DOES suck!"

But then the damndest thing happens. By his calculations, Jennings should be worth about $90 million samolians. This, of course, means he can gas up his SUV at least three times. But when he goes to the bank, they tell him that he apparently forfeited all payment for this project, and instead, he only mailed himself an envelope full of useless crap. For some reason, this seems to agitate him. I mean, after all, he's still got an envelope full of crap, right? I've worked jobs where I didn't even get the envelope full of crap.

And if that isn't bad enough, the FBI shows up and arrests him. This is what we in the "biz" call a "bad day"

As it turns out, Jennings has been a very bad boy, and worked on a project that the Feds aren't very pleased with. And dagnabit, they can't fry his brain to get details, because he's had his memory wiped. Then, using some of the crap he mailed himself, he escapes, only to be pursued by a bunch of ne'er-do-wells that want him dead. If you're keeping score at home, this is worse than being arrested by the FBI, but still not as bad as being a POW in Iraq.

So, in the ensuing mayhem, he figures out what the project is, knows that he has to stop it, realizes he's been doing the mommy-daddy dance with Rachel, and all sorts of other goodies. And, as it turns out, the useless crap he mailed himself is still generally useless crap, but it DOES help him figure out what he's been doing. What follows is a lot of typical John Woo stuff...fights, Mexican standoffs, and the like.

So, generally speaking, the movie isn't really BAD, per se. If you're one of the gajillion people on the planet who doesn't like Ben Affleck, you probably won't care much for the movie. But, for some strange reason, I don't count myself among that number. Maybe it's his cleft chin, or his ability to occasionally turn in strong performances amidst the crap he normally makes, but I generally find the guy harmless. Besides, I LOVED Chasing Amy.

"I swear, Aaron, if that prick makes ONE more 'Gigli' joke..."

Well, Ben is actually pretty decent here. I mean, he's no Matt Damon, but he's about as good as he was in The Sum Of All Fears...passable and harmless.

Actually, none of the cast is bad. The always-entertaining Paul Giamatti provides comic relief as Jennings' best friend "Shorty". Eckhart is his normally slimy self - and if you've ever seen "In The Company Of Men", you know that's a good thing.

I have one major quarrel with the movie, and it's with the deleted scenes. See, "deleted" scenes are SUPPOSED to be unimportant, boring, and easily lost. Not with "Paycheck", my friends. Here, the DELETED scenes provide important character development. And several conversations that are referenced later in the "real" movie were deleted as well. This, of course, results in some conversations later in the "real" movie that don't make sense, and others that feel like they're just full of throw-away dialogue. The deleted scenes total about 8 minutes or so, but it's 8 minutes that would have made the movie BETTER. I expected more from John Woo...but then again, I've been saying that ever since "Hard Target", so I think it's about time to give up on him.

Oh, and then there's the matter of the "alternate" ending. I don't know what Hollywood test-audience LIKED the "real" ending more than the "alternate" ending, but whoever they are should have their movie-viewing privileges revoked. Then, I'd like to see their eyes burned out with cigarettes, their ears lanced with an ice pick, and they're already lobotomized brains ground up for chum. See, the "real" ending is hokey, Hollywood bullshit. The "alternate" ending...actually, it's not all that much better, but at least it's not the typical unbelievable ending movie audiences were saddled with. You'll see the difference.

Overall, it's an okay movie...as long as you have access to the good shit that they cut out of it.

Now, if you'll excuse me, there's a bunch of cars in front of my apartment building that I want to destroy. With any luck, I can clear 6 figures doing it. Then, I can erase all memory of my idiot boss. It should be bliss. So long, suckers!