Hangman's Curse
Starring: David Keith, Mel Harris
Directed by: Rafal Zielinski

Rating: 0 (out of 5)

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Ah, Every once in a while, a DVD or movie crosses my path that is so bad, it simply defies description. I usually ignore those, because if I can't describe it, then I can't really WRITE about it. Simple logic, really.

Fortunately, with the release of "Hangman's Curse" to DVD, I got a hot little press release that described the movie for me. If you didn't see this in my journal a while back, let me re-print it for you here:

"Rated PG-13, Hangman's Curse forges into new territory in the teen thriller genre boasting no foul language, no excessive violence, sex or nudity, offering a values-friendly alternative for teens and families who enjoy scary movies but have more conservative tastes."

Believe it or not, it's WORSE than this makes it sound.

I should also explain that "Hangman's Curse" started as a novel by a dude named Frank Peretti. He's a Christian novelist with over 6 million copies of his books in print. If that sounds impressive, let me remind you that L. Ron Hubbard has significantly more.

"Dude, you kind of look like a chick, and I kind of like it..."

But I don't want to turn this into an attack on Peretti. I'm sure he's a very sweet, kind man. He's just directly responsible for unleashing a movie that made my eyes and ears hurt. We're not talking "So bad it's good," here...we're talking crimes-against-humanity bad. Spawn-of-Satan bad. Love-child-of-Judas-Iscariot-and-Pontius-Pilate-bad. Mel-Gibson's-ego bad. It's never a good sign when a "Christian" movie makes me pray to Jesus to make it stop. But hey, at least it got me praying, right?

Sadly enough, it starts off fairly promising. Some vaguely creepy music starts playing, and we see text that reads the following:

"Across America, there are select citizens secretly commissioned by the government to investigate strange mysteries, crimes, and unusual occurrences.

Working undercover, they are known as The Veritas Project.

Latin for TRUTH."

Umm...okay, thanks for that 10th grade Latin lesson, guys. But, other than that, it sounds mildly intriguing. Kind of X-Files-esque, or possibly Millennium-esque. Worst case scenario, maybe it would be Psi-Factor-esque.

Hopefully, someone will shoot all existing copies of this movie into space...

So then we're treated to long, drawn-out images of some kid walking through a dark high school. He really doesn't look very happy to be there, but then again, what kid ever looks HAPPY to be in school? Soon, we see that this kid has a noose in his hand. Now keep in mind, we ALREADY KNOW that the movie is called "Hangman's Curse," so it doesn't exactly take a rocket surgeon to figure out what's going to happen next, does it? Ah, but that doesn't matter, my friends, because the filmmakers are content to let little slice of drama draw out for roughly 86 minutes before the kid is finally kind enough to give himself the old stretched-neck treatment. And before you accuse me of being insensitive, let me say this...you'll be ENVYING him by the end of the movie.

Then suddenly, it's ten years later. Personally, I'd thought that about 10 years had passed just waiting for that stupid fucking kid to hang himself, but whatever.

Now we're watching a football game. The team's star quarterback, Jimmy, seems a little woozy. Either that, or he could just suck as a quarterback, but who am I to judge? Meanwhile, these 2 goth kids are in the stands, looking on with interest. Because, as we all know from our high-school days, the goth kids never MISS a football game.

"So, do we go to the game, or the Marilyn Manson concert? I HATE tough decisions..."

Well, whether Jimmy sucks or not, he finally passes out on the field, hallucinating and babbling some shit about someone named "Abel Frye". The coach is beside himself. He screams at the principal, "This makes THREE of my players!" and demands that she do something about it. I guess Coach is just CERTAIN that this has nothing to do with the steroids he's encouraging his players to take.

Now we jump to yet ANOTHER scene. In this one, some freaky chick is bringing some dopey kid in to see some freaky older chick. This appears to be some sort of drug deal in the making. You can tell this by the black leather, body piercings, and crazy hair on display, you see. Older Freaky Chick then asks Younger Freaky Chick if she's sure that the Dopey Kid isn't "Five-oh". Because, as we all know, hardcore drug dealers ALWAYS talk like shitty cop shows. This is simply the FIRST example of horrible dialogue in this pathetic excuse of a movie.

Well, a couple of other freaks burst in, there's some commotion, the Dopey Kid gets busted, and then the reveal...the FREAKS aren't freaks at all! In fact, they're the Springfield family! They're undercover! And YES, they're the Veritas Project!

Okay, try and follow this here...that "secret" government agency hinted at in the title? It turns out that this family of FOUR are part of it, including the two teenage kids. They're like the Spy Kids family, only, you know, horribly, pathetically lame. Spy Kids crossed with the Seavers from "Growing Pains".

"Honey, remember, after we bust that smack ring, it's your turn to drive the kids to soccer practice."

There's dad Nate (David Keith) and mom Sarah (Mel Harris), probably the least convincing secret agents on the planet, prone to giving each other smug, knowing looks whenever one of their kids does something incorrigible...FUCK, it's irritating. After 2 of those looks, you're PRAYING that they get reassigned to prison-guard duty in Iraq. Not to mention that the US government seems to have no problem with their parenting skills, despite the fact that their 2 UNDERAGE KIDS are put into life threatening situations every fucking day.

And let's talk about these little brats, shall we? First, there's Elijah (Douglas Smith), a little wiener who's just BEGGING to be pantsed in gym class. This little knob makes my high school existence look like I was the captain of the football team, and banging cheerleaders left right and center. Then there's Elisha (Leighton Meester), who's hot, and doesn't deserve to be saddled with such a horrible family.

Back to the plot, such that it is. Despite the fact that random drug deals apparently fall under the umbrella of "strange mysteries" that the Vertias Project is supposed to investigate, they're now assigned to high school #1, because all the normal, athletic, popular white kids are dying or getting sick, and they can't HAVE that, dammit! So, once again, they're undercover. Dad's a janitor, Mom's a guidance counselor, Elijah's a nerdy little dork, and Elisha's hot. Their mission: to investigate these strange goings-on that are threatening the popular, white jocks. Yes...MUCH more important than the war on drugs.

Our heroes, ladies and gentlemen.

And, despite the earlier "five-oh" comment, and the ludicrous plot, and terrible acting, THIS is where the movie starts to get HORRIBLY ridiculous. For starters, despite the fact that it's been written for teens, these idiots are so fucking out of touch with reality, it's a joke. This is the most pathetic teen dialogue I've ever heard. Let me give you a few examples here:

TEACHER: No, you CAN'T pray in school! Because then, you'd be imposing your morality on me!
ELISHA: Okay, like, NOW I'm buggin'...

Whoa...hold on...did she just say "Okay, like, NOW I'm buggin'..."??? What is this, 1985??? WHO THE FUCK TALKS LIKE THAT??? Show me a teenager today that talks like that...PLEASE.

Wait...it gets better. Elisha then gets hit on by a classmate named Blake (Edwin Hodge). THIS is the exchange:

BLAKE: That's a nice necklace. You a religious freak or something?
ELISHA: Or something.
BLAKE: Do you believe in the hereafter?
ELISHA: Most definitely.
BLAKE: Good. Then you must know what I'm here after.

You heard it here first, gang. Today's teens talk like 70's LOUNGE LIZARDS.

And if that's not enough, mere moments later the fat, obnoxious jock starts picking on some nerds. He then steals one's lunch money by saying, and I swear to FUCK this is true, "Got any dead presidents?"

How can you write a book/movie and market it to fucking KIDS if you have NO FUCKING CLUE how they speak? Any kid between the ages of 13 and 18, who ISN'T home schooled, is going to watch this turd and piss themselves laughing.

"Oh man...I hope they do 'Freebird' as an encore..."

So, back to the story, such that it is. Apparently, the kid who hung himself at the beginning of the movie was "Abel Frye". As it turns out, he was the biggest nerd in the school back in the day, and he was in love with the most beautiful girl in the school. As "legend" has it, she made an ass out of him, and he killed her, then hung himself...as we spent three days at the beginning of the movie seeing. Now, his spirit haunts the school getting revenge on bullies for whoever calls his name. So obviously, the goth kids are behind this, because they're different and freaky and blah blah blah.

And yet, I STILL have not even touched on the most horrific part of this movie...Frank Peretti himself. I know I said I wasn't going to attack him earlier, but I can't help it. Not only is he responsible for writing this mess, but he's IN IT, too! Yes, my friends, he plays "Algernon", a friend of the "family" and wacky scientist. And, as bad as he is at writing teen dialogue, he's even WORSE as an actor. It's like he watched all the "Doc Brown" scenes in "Back To The Future", and then tried to emulate him. Then, he got drunk, hit himself in the head with a brick, and just decided to act like a retarded rhesus monkey instead. The fact that the spirit of Abel Frye didn't consume Algernon in pillars of flame is the biggest disappointment in the entire movie.

"Nope...the script doesn't look any better through this thing."

There's more to it, but it's just too painful to discuss...such as the scene where one character escapes certain death seemingly through the power of prayer alone. Then there's the "normalizing" of the Goths so that they aren't so freaky-looking any more. Oh, and poisonous spiders. Don't ask. Please, in the name of all that is holy, don't ask.

Although, in the special features of the DVD, we learn WAY more about Frank Peretti than even Frank Peretti wants to know. For example...he LOVES to play banjo! Yup, he's a spastic, bearded, banjo-playing Christian writer...sorry ladies, he's married, too. In the little feature on him, he gets to jam with David Keith and talks about what a highlight that is. When jamming banjo with David Keith is a highlight in your life, you need to set your sights higher, dude. Drinking with the Naked Critic is more ambitious than that.

If you're a fan of horrifically bad dialogue, this is one movie not to be missed. Otherwise, we have an early contender for the worst movie of the year.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to hang an effigy of Frank Peretti. But I promise, after that, I won't pick on him any more.