Man on Fire
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Man On Fire
Starring: Denzel Washington, Dakota Fanning
Directed by: Tony Scott

Rating: 3.5 (out of 5)

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First of all, here's a tip for all you moviegoers out there. When you're suffering from a headache that hasn't gone away for several days, the LAST movie you should see is one that features an explosion on the poster. You'd think that would be a logical decision to make, along with "Don't run with scissors" and "Don't play with marbles on the stairs", but I've never been known for my logic. I've even gone swimming a mere 59 minutes after eating. Yup...I play with danger.

Man On Fire is actually a remake of a movie from 1987 that nobody ever heard of. That version starred Scott Glenn, so naturally the remake stars Denzel Washington. That just makes sense. When you think "Scott Glenn", you just sort of AUTOMATICALLY think "Denzel Washington". They're like chocolate and peanut butter, or Star Jones and peanut M&Ms. You just can't think of one without the other.

"Hi! I'm very unappealing!"

An aside: I've been making fun of Star Jones a lot lately. There are a few reasons for that. For starters...well, she's Star Jones. She really has about as much right to be famous as Melissa Rivers. She's got no discernable talent, as far as I can tell. And yet, that hasn't stopped her from riding the celebrity endorsement bandwagon. On top of hawking plastic shoes for Payless, she now has her own line of BEAUTY PRODUCTS, which includes something I saw on the Jimmy Kimmel show called "Star Jones Body Butter".

Ugh. I don't even WANT to know what this shit is for. Then again, if your goal in life is to look like Star Jones, I have no doubt that a great deal of butter will be necessary.

Anyway, back to the movie. As it opens, we learn that every 60 seconds in Latin America, somebody is kidnapped. And 70% of those victims end up dead. So right away, you know this isn't going to be a lighthearted comedy.

Then we meet Creasy (Washington), who, it turns out, is a bitter, severely alcoholic ex-CIA spook or something. I should point out that his name is CREASY, not GREASY. I made that mistake at first too, and was wondering why - in a movie co-starring Mickey Rourke - someone ELSE would be called Greasy.

"Hello? Yes, I'm looking for my career...have you seen it anywhere? Hello? Hello?"

Creasy is in town visiting his old pal Rayburn (Christopher Walken) for a spell. Apparently, this has something to do with Creasy burning out or something, but it doesn't stop him from knocking back the glug-glug. I'm serious...this guy drinks more in this movie than three Kennedys and 2 unpaid internet movie critics put together. But, this can't last forever, and Rayburn suggests that Creasy pick up some bodyguard work. In fact, he knows a guy named Samuel (Marc Anthony) who's looking for a bodyguard for his young daughter.

Oh, Samuel, you should understand, is a bit of a slimeball. On the advice of his greasy lawyer (Rourke), he's planning on hiring a bodyguard on the cheap. See, he only wants one for a little while, so he can renew his kidnapping insurance (yes, you read that right) and then fire him. Sounds like Samuel and Creasy are a match made in heaven, don't they?

"Hey Denzel, can you wrap this up? I've got another 16 movies to shoot today..."

So Rayburn tells Creasy that - whatever he does - he SHOULDN'T mention the drinking. Naturally, about 10 seconds into his "interview" with Samuel, he mentions it. Then he explains that the reason he's working so cheaply - with his extensive experience - is that "you get what you pay for." Right. So the lesson here, kids, is it's okay to hire a drunk to protect your daughter...just keep him away from the liquor cabinet. At least now I know that, if Day Job ever craps out on me, I can get some bodyguard work in Mexico City.

So, after Samuel WARNS Creasy not to drink around his wife and daughter, the FIRST thing he does when meeting wife Lisa (Radha Mitchell) is ask for a drink, downing it in about 3 gulps. How a guy who takes direction so fucking poorly lasted in the CIA is anyone's guess. But somehow, this lanky, scruffy boozehound immediately endears himself to both Lisa and the daughter, Pita (Fanning). I don't know how he does it...I'm a scruffy, lanky boozehound, and normally, I scare the kids and their mothers pepper-spray me. Then again, Denzel is dreamy, so maybe that has something to do with it.

"Well, I can't imagine WHY you want me to pull your finger, but ok, here goes..."

In fact, Pita is QUITE taken with Creasy. But he won't have none of it...he's not doing this job to make friends, except with Jack Daniels and his cousin, Johnny Walker. But after a while, it seems that the little moppet melts Creasy's hostile exterior, and he takes a real shine to the kid. He coaches her to teach her to swim better, she buys him little trinkets, and before long, they're the BEST of friends! What could POSSIBLY go wrong?

Oh, yeah, right...this whole KIDNAPPING thing!

Yeah, the bad guys nab little Pita, but not before Creasy can take a bunch of them out in a hail of tasty lead death. Unfortunately, he takes about a gazillion hits himself, and they leave him for dead.

"Ok...ow ow OW! DAMN, that hurt!"

So now, remember how I said that Pita's father is a bit of a slimeball? And that his lawyer is greasy? Yeah...it turns out that they can't handle a ransom drop all that well, either. Well, there's that, and the fact that the police force is corrupt. Let's just say that, when all is said and done, a phone call comes in that tells Samuel and Lisa, basically, that they don't have to worry about saving fro Pita's college education any more. Needless to say, they don't take it well.

But they still take it better than Creasy does. Despite the fact that he should be recuperating, he's ever-so-pissed about this particular development, and vows to kill every last person that has anything to do with this plot. And you know he's gonna do it, too, because it's still early in the movie, and he's Denzel Washington. So, Creasy the crusty-but-lovable-drunken-teddy-bear becomes Creasy-the-thinking-man's-Rambo-with-an-admirable-mastery-of-the-Spanish-language.

"I TOLD you I wanted to listen to Howard Stern! Now CHANGE THE DAMN STATION!"

To be honest, the movie is a hell of a lot better than it has any right to be. It's half man-searching-for-redemption drama, and half bloody-revenge-thriller. Not exactly a recipe for a great time at the movie-house. But despite that, and despite the fact that Mickey Rourke is in it, the movie actually works quite well.

Part of this is Denzel. I've said it before...the guy is ALL charisma. Even when his performances are sub-par (Training Day, I'm looking in your direction here...) he's impossible not to watch. And he's in pretty good form here, too. You buy him as the crusty dude who's drinking away the horrors he's witnessed, you buy the fact that he's taken with this cute little girl, and you buy the fact that he is slowly and methodically killing everyone in his path. I mean, he's no Steven Seagal, but he's pretty damn good here.

Actually, a lot of the performances are good. Fanning is like some sort of insane acting prodigy...better at 10 years old than most actors will be ever. And, of course, Walken is his usual cool, quirky self in an otherwise thankless role.

It's not all good. Marc Anthony is putrid, to be blunt. I'd tell him to stick to singing, but I downloaded a couple of his MP3s, and I don't want him to do that, either. I'm tempted to say that Rourke is terrible as well, but he's really just irrelevant. Then again, he hasn't been RELEVANT since Johnny Handsome, so I'm used to it.

"So I'm thinking that, between the 2 of us, we could grind this movie to a halt. Whaddya say?"

An aside: What HAPPENED to this guy? It frustrates the hell out of me. He used to be so fucking COOL! Johnny Handsome, Angel Heart, Year Of The Dragon...this guy made some GREAT movies in the 80s. Now he's like a bloated, greasy caricature. Now, even when he's in GOOD movies, he's still not much more than a puffy punchline. I'm telling you, if it weren't for Kim Basinger, I'd never watch 91/2 Weeks again.

Keeping the whole thing together is veteran action director Tony Scott. This isn't his best movie, but it's one of his most inventive. There's a LOT of grainy, handheld camerawork weaving in and out of the movie, and it adds a sense of cool style to it. But most impressive is his use of subtitles. That doesn't sound all that exciting, I know, but hear me out. There's a lot of Spanish in the movie, so subtitles are necessary, obviously. But Scott ALSO subtitles certain words and phrases spoken in ENGLISH as well. And it's not your standard along-the-bottom-of-the-screen stuff. These pop up all over the frame. You'll have to see it to really understand what I'm getting at, but it adds a LOT of edgy style to the proceedings.

The only other complaint I have is with the ending. I don't want to ruin it, and I haven't seen the first movie, but THIS ending feels like a cop-out. After investing almost 2 and a half hours into a movie, I expect a stronger ending.

So, to sum up, it's good...not perfect, but good nonetheless. Just avoid it if you have a headache, because a LOT of things get blowed up real good.

Now, if you'll excuse me, my dinner is ready. I'm eating light tonight...just some toast with Star Jones Body Butter on it. Soon, I'll look just LIKE her!