Envy
Starring: Ben Stiller, Jack Black
Directed by: Barry Levinson
Rating: 1.5 (out of 5)
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Here's a tip for all you movie-studio executives out there: if a movie is so BAD that the release date is pushed back by a YEAR, there's a problem, my friends.
Pushing something back by a week or two can be smart. If you're going up against a sure-fire hit (like, say, The Day After Tomorrow or From Justin To Kelly 2) it's actually probably pretty smart. But if it's almost a FULL YEAR, that's not smart, my friends, that's desperation.
And that's EXACTLY what happened with Envy, the new "comedy" starring Ben Stiller and Jack Black. It was originally supposed to be released in May of 2003. And I don't care WHAT you say...there's no way you can convince me that pushing it back a full 12 months is STRATEGIC, pal. Of course, the proof is in the poop...which Envy is FULL of.
See that release date? 5-30-03. And that's one of their "official" images for this movie. Scary.
If I were feeling less charitable, I'd say that the movie was a 90-minute doodie joke. But that wouldn't be fair to doodie. At least doodie can be funny. It's rare, but it's possible. Actually, I'm lying...I'm just trying to figure out more ways to put the word "doodie" into this paragraph. It's fun to type. Doodie doodie doodie.
That preceding paragraph - whether you laughed or not - was FUNNIER than all of Envy put together. It is, forgive the pun, an absolute bowl-winder of a movie. And everyone involved with it should know better. Especially when they had so MUCH to work with...and all they have to show for it is...well, shit.
So, here's the deal, Stiller plays Tim, and Black plays Nick. They're the best of friends. They work together, socialize together, and live across the street from each other. Now, I'm not one to judge, but that seems like a little too much prolonged exposure to Jack Black to me. There are days that I wonder how Jack Black can handle being so close to Jack Black all the time. I've got to think that there are days when Jack Black looks in the mirror and tells himself "Dude, would you just CALM THE FUCK DOWN? You're giving me a headache, for Christ's sake. Please...take some Ritalin or something."
"Oh, would you just PULL IT? What are you afraid of?"
Despite the fact that they're best friends, they're very different people. Tim is very focused and career-driven, while Nick is Jack Black. Nick dreams a lot...he's one of those guys who's always looking for a way to get rich quick, either by inventing something or through some sort of caper. You all know people like this...and I can pretty much guarantee you that if they're not already into Amway, they will be soon.
Well, one day, Nick comes up with the brilliant idea to make a spray that can make doggie-dirt disappear. That's it...that's the extent of his idea. He has no clue how it would work, what kind of chemical reaction would be involved, no idea how to develop or test the product...basically, he's an idiot. And we know this because he's played by Jack Black. Think about it...it's like some doofus saying "Hey! I've got a great idea! I'll write movie reviews and start a website! But I don't know anything about web design, or marketing, or how to make money off of it..."
Never mind. The point is it's nothing more than an idea.
"Please, please, PLEASE tell me this goes direct-to-video..."
Well, after finding some scientist-type dude who is willing to do all of the actual work, Nick asks Tim if he wants to get in on the project, for the low, low, low price of $2000 dollars. Tim, not being completely and utterly retarded, politely declines.
And, as it turns out, the stuff works. D'oh!
A year and a half later, Nick is SWIMMING in dough. It turns out that the "va-poo-rizer" (Get it? It's got "poo" RIGHT THERE in the name!) is the wonder-invention of the 21st century, despite the fact that it's being sold through infomercials and has apparently never gotten any sort of FDA approval. People are spraying poop away everywhere, oblivious to the fact that fecal matter provides much-needed nutrients to the earth. It's true...poop is part of the majestic "circle of life". If you want proof, just bury a print of "Envy" somewhere...six months later, a mighty oak tree will be growing in the same spot.
But, despite all logic, Nick is now a bazillionaire. He's got more money - and worse hair - than Donald Trump and Bill Gates put together. Yet, he still lives in the same shitty little subdivision...only now, he's got an enormous house, merry-go-round, horse, cars, etc etc. Tim, on the other hand, has to live in his crappy little house (which is still a FUCK of a lot better than the shithole of an apartment I live in, thank you very much) having to witness Nick's success every day. Thus, the ENVY of the title begins.
"Oh man...I was SURE this would never get released!"
Making things worse, Tim's money-worshipping shrew of a wife (Rachel Weiss, who should REALLY know better) keeps reminding him that he could have gotten in on the ground floor of this mighty feces-destroying enterprise. And then his ingrate kids start in, talking about how much better Nick's kids have things. It's enough to drive a man crazy, which I guess is the point.
The jealousy eats at Tim until he finally explodes at work, getting himself va-poo-rized out of a job. To drown his sorrows, he hits a local dive bar, where he meets J-Man (Christopher Walken, in his 85th movie so far this year). They get drunk, and J-Man convinces Tim to "shake things up" a bit. A horse gets killed, there's a cover-up, blah blah blah. And, the whole time, there are still absolutely NO laughs.
I could go on, but it's just too painful.
You know those movies where they put all the funny stuff in the trailer? Funny thing here...I've seen a few trailers for this movie, and I can think of at least 5 bits that aren't in the actual movie. Okay, I can SEE putting the funny parts of a movie in a trailer, but to put funny parts that AREN'T IN THE FINAL CUT? That's just false fucking advertising, my friends. And, making it worse, those funny parts weren't even all that funny...just funnier than anything in the actual MOVIE.
"You are getting sleeeeeeeepy...."
I can't for the life of me figure out how they fucked this up. They have a great theme...envy! It's one of the seven deadly sins, for the love of Pete. A man jealous of his best friend's success could be INTERESTING! A spray that dissolves doodie (wheee!) probably WOULD sell! Stiller and Black are solid comic actors! Barry Levinson is an OSCAR WINNING director! HOW DO YOU FUCK THIS UP???
Well, I don't know for sure, but I'm sure part of it involves casting Ben Stiller as pretty much the same bland dopey character he's played ever since "There's Something About Mary". He doesn't do ANYTHING here that we haven't seen before. In fact, he's even blander, but then again, he could just be depressed about having to be in this movie in the first place. I know I would be.
As far as Black goes, he's entertaining in small doses as the "rude obnoxious guy". But here he's just an idiot. But not only an idiot, a kind, sweet, overly-generous idiot. It's like they told him "Okay, Jack...you know that stuff you do that everyone likes? Don't do ANY of it!"
As for Levinson, he's proof that the Academy should reserve the right to revoke Oscars. What he's assembled here is an ungodly mess of unfunny jokes, ridiculously insane plot twists, and unlikable characters. They should take his Oscar for "Rain Man" back. (Then, while they're at it, they can take back the one that Cuba Gooding Jr. got too.) Seriously...I can't for the life of me see where this movie was DIRECTED...IT HAS NO DIRECTION. It just goes from one lame gag to the next, like one of Sinbad's comedy specials. It's like the worst episode of the worst sitcom you've ever seen.
"I don't see why it's always up to ME to save these shitty movies, Ben. And why do they always star guys named Ben, anyway?"
The only reason this gets any points at all is because of Christopher Walken. He provides the only halfway decent moments in the entire movie, underneath the ridiculous hair extensions they have him wearing. But, between this and "Gigli", I'm starting to get nervous any time I see Walken's name attached to a comedy. Maybe that's the new thing..."Well, the movie sucks the sweat from a dead bear's anus...but let's get Walken in there to do something wacky!"
I've been trying to think of a solid way to end this review. My initial thought was to say that, if you see it, the only people you'll "Envy" are the ones who stayed home and read a book instead.
The crew take a break to watch a decent movie.
But that doesn't quite sum it up. This does:
Since the movie is, more or less, about dog poop, I have an idea. We need to get a print of the movie. Then we need to get Levinson, Stiller, and Black in a room with it. Then we rub their noses in it, scolding them, saying, "Look what you did! LOOK WHAT YOU DID! BAD HOLLYWOOD! BAD!" Then we smack them in the nose with rolled-up copies of Variety.
It
seems harsh, I know, but it's the only way they'll learn.