13
Going On 30
Starring: Jennifer Garner, Mark Ruffalo
Directed by: Gary Winick
Rating: 2.5 (out of 5)
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Ah, the old "kid wishes they were an adult and then becomes an adult and realizes that it's not as easy as they think" comedy. God, how long has it been since we've seen one of these? If I recall correctly, it's been at least 2 or 3 months. That's when "Freaky Friday" was foisted upon all of us. And that wasn't even a re-hash of a tired subject...that was a REMAKE.
Well, at least Jamie Lee and company had the smarts to admit that they were re-making an old movie. But the people behind "13 Going On 30" aren't really willing to concede that point. After all, what they've done is remake "Big". And folks, that's all this is, at its core. It's a fucking remake of "Big", only instead of a boy making the wish, it's a girl. And instead of dancing on a big floor-piano, they dance the "Thriller" dance. Seriously, that's the only major difference I can think of, other than the fact that Jennifer Garner looks a LOT better in a dress than Tom Hanks ever did.
"If I don't get back-to-back Oscars soon, I'm FIRING that agent..."
Pretty cool, huh? I managed to squeak a little "Bosom Buddies" reference in there. Yeah. I rock.
But - again, like "Big" - the performance of the star is far better than the material deserves. But I'll get to that in a second. Or, knowing me, about 1500 words from now.
The year: 1987. The acid-wash craze seems to be dying, America hungers every Sunday night for the adventures of Peter DeLuise and company in "21 Jump Street", and in Toronto, Canada, the Naked Critic drinks underage a lot and can't get laid to save his life. So, all is generally right with the world.
But all is not right with young Jenna Rink (Christa B. Allen). The poor girl just isn't as popular as she wants to be. I hear you, sister. She longs to be one of the "cool girls" at the school, but, like in all schools, she more or less gets shat upon unless they need something from her. This, by the way, is EXACTLY what the age of 13 was like to me. Well, with 2 major differences...1) I got shat on, but they never needed anything from me, and 2) it wasn't even the cool kids...it was the chess club.
Funny...but women don't walk around this way in my neighborhood...
In fact, her only real friend is Matty (Jack Salvatore Jr.), a shutterbug with the world's most OBVIOUS crush. The pair are inseparable, unless, of course, the cool kids are around. When that happens, Matty is about as important to her as Diet Coke to Star Jones.
In her spare time, Jenna likes to dance while watching MTV. But, of course, here's the problem: You can tell that this movie has been sitting in development for years now. All the songs Jenna likes are retro-faves like "Thriller" and "Love Is A Battlefield." This makes all her favorite songs 3 or 4 years old in 1987. Folks...if you're not going to update the references, don't bother throwing them in, okay? I mean, just because Laura Branigan's "Self Control" was still MY favorite song 5 years later, there's no reason to expect that other kids were that lame.
"I wish I could make money on this website..."
Jenna has a 13th birthday party, which - as it happens - is the WORST! PARTY! EVER! It starts off okay, with Matty making Jenna this really intricate "dream house", which he then sprinkles with "Wish Dust." Funny story...I was at a party the other night where someone broke out some "wish dust". Let's just say that the only thing I was "wishing" for was that they'd shut the hell up. Why can't they just grow up and binge-drink instead...like me?
Well, the party, as I said, sucks ass. And Jenna winds up locking herself in her closet, wishing she was bigger. Some of the "wish dust" floats down, proving once and for all the intense magical power that can be harnessed by glitter.
Well, before you can say "Zoltan", Jenna wakes up in a strange apartment. She's sleeping in a strange bed, wearing strange clothes, and has a strange naked man wandering around. I have mornings like this. I call them "weekday mornings."
"Hey Jenna...if you're going to try and put that where you tried to put it last night, the answer is still no."
Well gosh and golly, it looks like Jenna's wish came true! She's 30 years old! And the best part is, she's got Jennifer Garner's body! Okay, I've got to admit, that would really be something, wouldn't it? If I woke up in Jennifer Garner's body, let's face it, I'd lock myself in a bathroom, take off all my clothes, and play with myself in front of the mirror for 3 weeks straight. But that's the difference between me and Jenna. It's probably also why I'm not allowed within 1000 yards of Ms. Garner, but I'm dealing with that.
As she pieces together her new "life", she realizes a few juicy tidbits about herself. For starters, she's now a big-shot magazine editor in Manhattan. Then there's the realization that she BECAME one of the cool kids and dumped Matty like a bad habit. Oh, and the other "cool kid" is still her best friend and co-worker Lucy (Judy Greer). The strange naked guy turns out to be her boyfriend...some hockey-playing yutz. Oh, and one other TEENY little detail...she's grown up to be a class-A bitch from hell.
"Do you REALLY think I'm going to do something evil by the end of the movie?"
One of the first things she does is contact Matty, who's now a Greenwich Village artsy photographer dude. He's also shed the baby fat and is, what some people may refer to as, a hunk. Others would say he just looks a lot like Mark Ruffalo. And, surprise surprise, Matty doesn't want a whole lot to do with Jenna. But, oddly enough, he manages to buy the whole "I woke up and it was 17 years later and I don't remember anything" business. I guess being a Boho-Artiste doesn't make you immune to falling for ridiculous stories.
But now Jenna's in a real pickle. She doesn't LIKE who she's become. But at the same time, she's got a job to do (Which she learns by reading a book called - I wish I was making this up - "Magazine Editing For Dummies") So she's got to decide something...she has everything she ever dreamed of, but is it worth the cost?
Every woman I know has dreamt of this moment.
And here's what I want to know...If Matty didn't look like Mark Ruffalo, would she give a rat's ASS about making friends with him again? Let's say he looked like...oh, I dunno...ME. Yeah...that's what I thought.
An aside: I'm not all that surprised that the action takes place in a Magazine office. I hate to generalize, but most people I've met who are involved in the magazine "biz" tend to be...well, unpleasant, to be blunt. Not the talent, you understand...the writers, layout staff, grunts...all great people. No, the people who RUN this industry can be unpleasant...especially the models. My first-ever magazine writing assignment was working the Entertainment pages for a Canadian magazine called "Fresh" (I guess "Sassy" was already taken.) I even got invited to their lavish launch party, which must have cost the publishers 7 figures. All this, before finding out I'd never see a dime out of the magazine for the pieces I wrote for them. Anyway, there I am at the launch party, sipping my watery free cocktails, when a GORGEOUS model slides up to the bar next to me.
"Hi,"
she smiles
"Hello." I smile back, thinking "Don't BLOW this!"
"So, what brings you here?" she asks, batting her eyelashes.
"Well, I'm one of the writers..."
BOOM! Smile gone.
"Sorry," she says, not looking all that sorry. "I thought you were someone important."
Yeah, so bitches working in the magazine industry, eh? I'm shocked.
Garner's screen test for "The Passion Of The Christ" failed to impress Mel...
Oh, as far as the movie goes, the magazine is in trouble, Jenna needs to save it, salvage her friendships and career, make things up to Matty, and all the typical "kid wishes they were an adult and then becomes an adult and realizes that it's not as easy as they think" stuff. Except, you know, not all that funny. If you've seen the trailer, you've seen the best parts of the movie.
The problem here is that, even though it's a tired premise and it's been done before, it's just not all that FUNNY. I mean sure, I smiled a lot and thought "That's cute", I think I actually laughed out loud exactly twice. But more importantly, it's just not BELIEVABLE.
"4 more...3 more...2 more...and take it to the left..."
Fine, laugh all you want. I'm well aware that this is a far-fetched premise, and a fantasy, and blah blah blah. But for Matty to BUY Jenna's stupid story without blinking? Come on. Oh, and I REFUSE to believe that there's a party full of young, hip 30-somethings that remember the ridiculous dance moves from the "Thriller" video step by step. And if YOU remember the "Thriller" dance step-by-step, then what the fuck are you reading this for? Shouldn't you be naked in front of the television watching VH1? MICHAEL JACKSON doesn't remember the "Thriller" dance! Then again, he doesn't remember his first 3 noses, either.
But the movie DOES have 2 things going for it. One is the fairly interesting fact that now Jenna has to undo a lot of the bitchy, evil things that she's done in her "lost years". I do kind of like the fact that Jenna's 13-year-old naiveté is strong enough that she's willing to right her wrongs.
But none of this would mean Jack if the part wasn't played well, and Garner is FANTASTIC in this role. Never for a SECOND does she slip out of her 13-year-old persona. The great things she sees are met with an "Oh GOSH!" wonder that's incredibly endearing. And conversely, her "boys are icky" moments are priceless as well.
"She's gonna make it after all..."
We all know that Garner can be physical...she routinely kicks ass on "Alias" and made my heart skip a beat or 2 her "Daredevil" black leather. But I had no idea she was such a gifted physical comedienne, or so naturally funny. Hands down, Garner is the ONLY reason to see this movie.
In fact, I'll go one better. I say she's better than Tom Hanks in "Big". There, I said it. Sue me. And Hanks had a decent script and competent direction backing him up...Garner isn't afforded this luxury. She carries the entire movie herself. Even Ruffalo looks embarrassed to be there, but not Garner. Give this woman more comedy to do! She saves what could have been one of the WORST comedies of the year, and single-handedly makes it almost watchable.
Almost.
I can't really recommend the movie, but if you do go see it, you'll be treated to one of the best female comic performances in recent years. Just stick a chopstick in your ear to short-circuit the part of your brain that controls logic.
Now,
if you'll excuse me, I have to go stand in front of the mirror and pretend
Jennifer Garner is looking back. Don't wait up.